A Chefly adventure

So, ready for adventure tale #1?  Note:  Adventure tales aren't necessarily in the order in which they happened.

 

I met Chef on eHarmony in January 2010.  Chef was obviously a chef; hence the nickname.  I called him Chef when we were on the phone once, and he asked if I called him that because he resembled Chef from South Park.  He kind of did, but that's not why I called him that.  It was simply his nickname (as given by me).  

He was a partner-owner in a few restaurants in San Francisco.  Grew up in NYC.  Worked as a broker for a large well-known firm, then quit so he could become a chef - something he was passionate about.  He worked for free in several well-known NYC restaurants, then in some well-known London restaurants.  Spent some leisure time in Spain before coming back to the states and finally landing in San Francisco and opening his restaurants.  His profile was really good - said a lot of good things.  

For example, he wrote, "I'm accustomed to relationships where disagreement is not the end of the world. We are not clones; I want someone who is sassy but sweet, witty and irreverent. I'm extremely loyal and I take care of and make time for the people whom I love."  He also wrote that he thought great communication was a trait he noticed in successful relationships, "My parents have had what I call a life long conversation. It seems as if they talk constantly. Debating, flirting, teasing. As I get older, I find myself being just a tad jealous. But it's great to see. That's what I want, 57 years and still best friends."

We exchanged a few emails, then had a few phone conversations, then went on our first date.  Something about him made me feel very comfortable, and I actually allowed him to pick me up for our date.  I say "allowed him to pick me up" because generally, I don't give strangers my home address - but I felt so comfortable with him, that it seemed natural for him to pick me up.  We went to dinner, and then a movie.  We hit it off instantly.  It was very easy to be myself around him.  The conversation was great and flowed so naturally and easily.  I had a great time.  We started talking and texting pretty much every day after our first date.  The contact was mutual (equal contact initiated by him and by me).  I had to travel shortly after our first date, and we texted the whole time I was away.  As soon as I got back, he was as anxious to see me, as I was to see him. He picked me up the night I got home around 9pm, and we went for a drink at a bar in my neighborhood.  We were out until almost 1am.  It was great.  We continued our courtship and had several more great dates.  I was really excited about him and where I thought things were heading.

Then came April.  He got "busy."  We still talked and texted every day, but we had no dates.  He flat out wouldn't make plans with me.  (Red flag #1).  This was a hard pill to swallow.  He said it was because he was getting ready to open a new restaurant and that things would slow down some in June.  So, I decided to hang on and ride out this busy spell.  May - he was still busy.  June - still busy.  (Red flag #2).  He did start stopping by a few times a week to say hi.  But didn't get out of his car - just talked with me through the window.  But, it was something.  Not really enough, but something.  Then came July.  We actually had an in-person date!  We met for dinner and had a wonderful time.  It was so nice to be able to sit down together, talk and actually see each other in person.  It was a Monday.  For the whole rest of the week, he wouldn't respond to my phone calls or texts.  (Red flag #3).  The next week, I was traveling, and didn't call or text him at all.  Then, the following Monday, he called me after midnight, and basically was mad at me because we didn't speak for a week.  According to him, it was my fault.  And, this wasn't the first time he got mad at me because we didn't talk.  (Red flag #4).  I certainly was and continue to be under the impression that phones work both ways - they can make and receive calls.  Mine certainly does.  Maybe his is some uber-new super phone that doesn't.  For the rest of July, it was more of the same.  I would call.  He wouldn't respond.  All of my friends saw it - whatever I had with Chef was no longer.  I was still a little (ok, a lot) delusional about the whole thing.  But after basically a month of no contact, I slowly came to agree with my friends - I needed to stick a fork in him because Chef was done. 

The icing on the cake was two-fold.  I went to one of his restaurants to have a quick chat (yes, I was "that girl").  He wouldn't come out to talk with me - told me to come back in an hour.  I did.  He wasn't there.  (Red flag #5).  I left.  He said he would call me that night.  He didn't.  (Red flag #6).  That was the last I heard from Chef.  Slowly but surely, I let him go.

In November, I got a call from him.  Hadn't heard from him since August.  He said he misses me and thinks about me all the time.  I told him that he has a very funny way of showing that.  He said he isn't proud of how he handled things.  I told him that he shouldn't be.  He asked to see me.  I agreed.  (Note:  I agreed to see him to ask him what happened, why he disappeared, and to finally get the closure I wanted).  We agreed on a time the next day.  

And....  

Drum roll please.....  

Nothing.  Nada.  Nichego.  Nichts.

No call, no text, no Chef sighting.  I deleted him from my phone that night.

In December, a close friend was on a date and happened upon one of Chef's restaurants and it was closed.  This was random because it was only 11pm, and Chef used to tell me he was so busy because the restaurant was open until 12 or 1am.  So, it was curious that it was closed at only 11pm.  A few weeks later, I was at home with my family for Christmas, and my friend called to say hi and wish me a Merry Christmas.  She also wanted to tell me something about Chef.  She said she looked on Yelp at the restaurant's page, and that it said the place was closed.  As in, no longer in business.  She said she also read an article about Chef that I should read so I was completely informed about him in case he ever contacted me again.

I googled and found several articles from reputable main-stream websites that basically said that he isn't who he said he is.  His name isn't what he told me it was.  He was not an owner nor a partner in any of the restaurants.  He did cook there, but was never in an ownership role.  And, he stopped working at them in August.  He probably didn't grow up in NYC.  Probably didn't go to an expensive prep-school.  Didn't cook at any of the fancy NYC restaurants.  Probably didn't go to the college he said he went to.  Probably didn't work for the brokerage house he said he worked at.  He was a complete fraud.  One mentioned that there was no police report filed by the real owner of the restaurants, and that Chef's whereabouts are currently unknown.  I wonder why the press who interviewed Chef several times, and wrote several articles about him do not seem to have done any due diligence on this guy.  And, I wonder why the real owner of the restaurants didn't clue into this deception sooner - did he check a resume, call any references, or read any of the blatantly false interviews in the food blogs?  Maybe now they wish they had...

Seriously.

A con man.  A fraud.

The morals / lessons from this adventure in dating:

1. If a person is too good to be true, they probably are.  Several friends and family members felt that something was off with him.  I didn't see it.  I guess we should trust our trusted advisers.  
2. Try to get a positive ID.  A good friend told me that when she was doing on-line dating that if there was anyone she wanted to go on more than 1 date with, she would do one of the quickie $20 internet background checks on them to ensure they are who they say they are.  
3. Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.
4. If a person says one thing and does something completely opposite, RUN.

Food for thought.

Until next time!

Ciao!

You can get anything on-line - even a date!

For the past month or 2, I percolated a lot about writing a blog about my adventures in dating. 

Why? 

I have had a lot of adventures in dating during the past few years.  The experiences and stories I have are quite comical (or so me and my friends think), and not at all unique to me.  In sharing dating adventure stories with my peeps (girls and guys alike), I've come to realize that we've all had some very similar experiences - some funny, some scary, some unexpected, some nightmarish, and some that are unmentionable.  We think we've seen it all, but very quickly realize that we've really only experienced the tip of the iceberg.

San Francisco is a city with a population of approximately 809,000 people (or so the internet tells me).  I can't find a statistic on how many of us are single, but I know it is a lot.  Just look at how many people are on any of the plethora of on-line dating sites - eHarmony, Match, Chemistry, OK Cupid, Plenty of Fish, not to mention Craigslist, Yahoo! personals, etc., etc., etc.  Now, I know not all of the people on these sites who say they are single are actually single, but I think we can all agree that there are lots and lots of unattached people out there looking to become attached in one way or another.

For those of us who are looking to meet a special someone, we sometimes and more regularly turn to our computers, smart phones, or other such devices.  You can order groceries, shoes, clothes, furniture, electronics, and basically anything you want on-line, why not a companion?  I have taken a few plunges into into the on-line dating scene over the years.  I have perused and answered some Craigslist personals, tried speed dating (not really on-line dating, but adventuresome nonetheless), joined & left Match.com and Chemistry.com, and most recently joined eHarmony.  (Man, I seem like an on-line dating junkie).  I don't think these sites are the end-all be-all way to meet people.  But I do believe that these sites give you exposure to a much larger pool of people than you might get through hitting up friends or co-workers for introductions to their single friends (hence why I've tried so many of them).  And, because money is involved to join or use some of these sites, hopefully the people who pay to be on them might be more solid individuals than the random person you meet at a bar or other spot for socializing.  More on that later.

Much like ordering groceries, clothes, shoes, electronics, etc., on-line, looking for a special someone on-line takes a lot of work - maybe even more than searching out that perfect pair of shoes.  You need to write a profile, decide on pictures & upload them.  On eHarmony, in addition to creating your profile and selecting pictures to upload, you have to take a detailed personality profile assessment before you can get started.  On Match.com, you have to search, filter, and peruse lots and lots of profiles, and then decide whom you want to wink at or email and also decide whom you want to respond to - it's a 2-way street.  With eHarmony, you get matches delivered to you - no searching needed.  But, when you get your matches, you need to look at them and decide whom you want to initiate communication with, or respond to.  Then comes the waiting - waiting for them to respond with a wink or an email, or politely say "no, thanks."  Yet more on that later. 

That's probably plenty about how these popular sites work.  I thought it important to lay a foundation to build on because so many of the experiences I intend to write about will begin on an on-line dating site.  The sites themselves can be an adventure - some of the things I see make me literally laugh out loud or cringe or just ask myself "really?".  And, the adventures just take off from there.  I will explore some of the communication exchanges, some of the comedy of on-line profiles, and, of course, the adventures of meeting someone you don't know and who doesn't know anyone you know for an actual in-person, in-the-flesh date.  Yikes!

So, that's it.  That's what you'll find here - Single in SF: Adventures in Dating.  Hope it brings some comedy to your day!