A little Irish History

Adventure tale #5

In the spirit of St. Patrick's day, I thought I'd share my Irish history.

I met Irish (obviously not his real name) on eHarmony in February 2010, part-way through the Chef catastrophe (click here to read about Chef if you haven't already).  Chef told me that I could date other people while he was overly busy with his fraudulent restaurant empire, and that he knew he would "win me back."  So, somewhat reluctantly at first, I continued perusing my eHarmony matches, and reached out to several.  One of those matches was Irish.  Irish was about 3 years older than me, lived about 5 minutes away from me, and ran his own financial consulting and investing business.

We went through the eHarmony guided communication process pretty quickly, and once we reached the email stage, we exchanged a few texts while trying to find a time when we could meet.  We had tentative plans a few times but had to reschedule due to flight delays, flus, other plans, etc.  Finally, we found an evening that worked for us both, and we met made plans to meet for drinks (in March).  I was quite nervous to be going out on a date when I was otherwise somewhat delusionally involved with someone else.  My sister, Sugarcoat, hounded me and hounded me not to put all of my eggs in Chef's basket, and to definitely go out with Irish.  My communications with him prior to meeting in person were great.  He seemed funny, interesting, and cool.  He also actually called me, texted me, and reached out to me (completely opposite of Chef who wouldn't call, wouldn't email, and wouldn't make plans with me.)  The night that I was set to meet Irish for a drink, I was talking with my sister and bemoaning the fact that I hadn't heard from Chef in a few days, and was kind of sad about that.  She basically yelled at me (from a place of love though) and told me to forget about Chef for one night at a minimum, and let myself have fun with Irish.  So, off to my date I went.

I met Irish at a bar on West Portal.  He was definitely cuter in person than in his pictures.  He was funny, the conversation flowed really well, and I had a great time.  I even forgot a little about Chef.  Two drinks and 3 hours later, we decided to call it a night - it was a "school" night after all, and we both had to work in the morning.  So, he walked me to my car, gave me a hug and a kiss on my cheek, and said he'd talk to me soon.

About 20 minutes later, I got a text from him.  Here is our exchange:

Irish:  "I really enjoyed meeting you. Would you be up for getting together again soon?"

Me: "Hey Irish - it was great to meet you too!  I would definitely be up for getting together again!"

Irish: "Maybe Sunday night we could grab dinner? Thoughts?"

Me: "Sunday sounds great.  Thoughts on a place / type of food?"

Irish: "Do you like Sushi? Ever been to Koo on Irving?"

Me: "LOVE sushi!  Koo - I've been there once and it didn't disappoint.  Just let me know what time."

Irish: "Thinking 7? Does that work? Btw- Spring forward on Sat night. Love it- the sun will be out later"

Me: "7 works great.  Can't believe we are springing fwd so early... BTW-bummed because my hair appt just got cancelled. Saves me a trip downtown in the rain though."

Irish: "Oh no- I'm to be subjected to the same hair as yesterday? ;)"

Me: "Sorry to disappoint. I will wear different shoes then..."

Irish: "But I love the ruby slippers!"  (note here - I wore red patent leather wedges on our first date - he even remarked about them on the date.  What guy notices shoes?  It made me smile.)

Me: "Me too!  Be honored that you were the first to see them."

The day before our dinner date he asked it I wanted to meet him at the restaurant, or if I would like him to pick me up.  I agreed for him to pick me up, and he was right on time.  We drove down to the restaurant.  He opened the car door for me, opened the restaurant door for me, etc.  He even made a reservation!  So, we have dinner - food was great, conversation was great, the whole evening was great.  He picks up the tab (I offered to pay my part, he declined the offer).  He drove me home.  We talked for a few minutes in the car, then he got out, opened my door, helped me out of the seat, and we hugged, and kissed a little.

After he left, I texted him: "Thanks for a nice evening and a yummy dinner!"

Irish: "You're welcome! I especially liked the kiss goodnight ;)"

We exchanged a few more texts over the next couple of days.  Then he was off to a last-minute trip to Paris.  We agreed that we'd get together when he got back.  We had tentative plans for the Friday after he returned.  I needed it to be an early night because of a stair-climbing race I was doing the next day.  As it turned out he had some friends in town and they were going to go out on the town that night.  So, we rescheduled for lunch after my race on Saturday.  He picked me up, and we went for lunch at Park Chow.  It was a beautiful, sunny, warm day.  So, after lunch, we went down to Ocean Beach, and walked along the beach.  Where we stopped to turn around, he basically grabbed me and kissed me!  It was pretty awesome!  We kissed a little, then turned around and went back to his car.  As he was driving me home, I mentioned that I wanted to see his place.  So, we stopped by there on the way home.  He showed me around (it was really great).  It was funny, because he barely stood near me while we were there.  I was a little curious about that, but let it go.  So, he drops me off at home, and we ended up making out like teenagers in his car in front of my apartment.  It was pretty comical now that I look back on it.  

I texted him a little later that day, "Thanks for the kisses today (and for lunch too). I had a great time." 

Irish responded: "Absolutely! It was everything I could do to not touch you inappropriately but I think I did well ;) see you soon." (guess he didn't think he could resist temptation by being too near me in his own house...)

I was traveling the next week for work, so we agreed to get together again when I got home.  We exchanged a few short texts when I was gone.

When I returned from my trip, I called him, got his VM, and left a message basically saying I was home, and asked if he would like to get together soon.  He texted me back 2 or 3 days later saying he was out of town, but home the next day and would call me.  He never did.  Ever.

So, I thought that Irish was history.  I was a little miffed at what happened.  We had a great time together, good conversation, good chemistry, etc.  But poof - he disappeared off the face of the planet.  When wondering aloud with some girlfriends what happened to him, my friend Sparkles said that when guys disappear, she likes to imagine that they died.  That way she doesn't have to wonder why they aren't responding - they can't because they are dead.  That gave me quite a laugh...

So, fast forward a few months (from April to July).  I was at the Blackthorn Tavern at the celebration for the new owners with my friend Mix, and in walks Irish.  Mix and I were sitting at the back of the bar, and I saw him immediately when he walked in...  I was kind of freaking out - what do I do, what do I say...  He saw me too, and walked right over to say hi.  We ended up talking for about 2 hours.  I asked him what happened, and why he disappeared.  He told me he got busy, his brother's son had an accident, his mother had double hip or knee replacement or something, and he really really meant to call me but when more and more time passed, he felt he couldn't reach out for fear of looking like an asshole.  I basically told him he already looked like an asshole because he disappeared without a word at all...  Well, we talked a little more, and then he walked me to my car.  He said that he was actually hoping to run into me that night, and that we should get together again soon.  I said that I would like that...  We ended up making out on Judah Street for a few minutes before I drove home.

Well, surprise surprise, I didn't really hear from him again for the plans we made for the next week.  Like the glutton for punishment that I am sometimes (ok, a lot of the time), I texted him the following week when I was in So Cal with my family.  We exchanged a few texts and made plans for when I got back.  Big shocker, he didn't call me or text me with the place or time to meet.  I didn't text him to ask what the issue was.  Poof, Irish was history.  Again.

Fast forward to this January.  Chef is fully out of the picture.  Things with District ended (I have yet to share that adventure), and I was hanging out with friends, back on eHarmony perusing matches.  I kind of kept wondering what happened to Irish.  He was a cool guy, good conversation, great chemistry.  But he kept disappearing.  Well, again the glutton for punishment I am, I decided to text him to say hi and ask how he was doing.  He responded and we had a frenzied text exchange that ended with me calling him so we could end the rapid-fire back and forth texts.  It was a Friday night.  He asked me out for a drink that night.  I agreed to go.  He picked me up, we went to a pub and caught up.  We had a great time.

He drives me home, and big shocker, made out in my driveway (we never had a shortage of chemistry).  We made plans for that Sunday.  So, Sunday arrives, I text him, and he responds back that he isn't feeling well (read - hung over from wine tasting in Napa the day before) and that he wants to get together mid-week.  I say fine and hydrate and rest.  So, I hadn't heard him come Wednesday, and was going to text him that evening.  He beat me to it.

Irish: "Hey- wanted to let you know I'm likely to disappear again. It's not you but I'm just not feeling I have what it takes to be in a relationship. I didn't want to lead you on and have us get too physical if I wasn't going to be there in the end.  I know we could be good friends at some point but I know we are both not really looking for friends at this time. I wish you only the best."

Um, ok.  At least he didn't disappear without a trace again.

Moral of the story - if someone disappears once, that sucks.  If they disappear twice, that sucks more, and is indicative of a pattern of behavior that will most likely be repeated again.  If they disappear three times, I'm the fool for finding them again and should have expected it.  But hey, it makes for a good Irish history lesson, right?

Happy St. Patrick's day.  Enjoy your Guinness, wearing green, and everything Irish.  But, be safe and don't drive drunk!

Until next time...

Bottomless Sundays - wheeeee!

The following adventure doesn't belong to me.  I am writing about it on behalf of a good friend who I will refer to as Project Manager (or PM).  PM is a single 30-something girl living in San Francisco.  She earns this pseudonym because she does project management stuff for work, and within our group of friends, she's the "planner".  One time she project managed an outing from her iPhone during a drive from Southern California back to SF.  She wasn't even in the City, yet she was connecting and coordinating various friends to meet up for Sunday Football Funday bottomless mimosas at the Republic prior to meeting us all a little later for drinks and dinner.  She's had her share of dating adventures, and this is the first of several I hope to have her permission to write about.  This adventure is fitting for today because it is Sunday, and the funniest part of this story happened on a Sunday.

So, for most of us adults, Bottomless Sundays means generally bottomless drinks - bloody marys, mimosas, beers, etc. - something alcoholic and never ending.  In this dating adventure it means something else entirely.

Project Manager was at Momo's last July to see the fireworks at a Giant's game.  She and her friends didn't have tickets to the game, so they hung out at Momo's during the game-day madness.  PM met a guy there and talked with him for a while.  He asked her for her number and she obliged.  Shortly after they parted ways that evening, he texted her to tell her it was a pleasure to meet her and that he was looking forward to going out with her.

Soon after they met at Momo's, they had a date in the East Bay.  PM said it was a great date - they had dinner, great conversation, and an overall wonderful time.  He asked PM if she wanted to do something the following week, and she agreed.  She was pretty busy that week entertaining some co-workers who were in town.  She wasn't able to meet up during the week, but was able to make it work for Sunday.  She let the guy know that she had to tour around the City with the co-workers, but would come out to his place when she was done.  So, once she made it out to his place, the adventure really began.

She arrives, gets out of her car, walks up to his door, rings the bell.  Guy answers the door in nothing but a Raider's jersey.  Literally, nothing else.  BOTTOMLESS SUNDAY!  Really, the twigs and berries were poking out of the bottom of his jersey.  He did forewarn PM that Sundays at his house are always bottomless.  She assumed this meant bottomless alcohol, not a bottomless man.

PM was literally in shock.  She came in and they sat down on his couch.  He asked her if she wanted anything, she declined.  Going through her mind were thoughts such as - his bare ass is on his couch; he's not wearing any pants; what the F am I doing here, etc., etc.  He must of picked up on her discomfort because he asked her if she was uncomfortable or something.  PM told the guy that he should probably go put some pants on.  So, he comes back out with pants on, but shirt off.  At that point PM literally got up and left.

I mean, seriously, does that work?  Do people really answer their doors on the 2nd date with no pants on?  Really?  When PM first told me the story of Bottomless Sundays, I was first in shock, and then couldn't stop laughing.  Really gives a different meaning to the phrase Bottomless Sundays - don't think I will ever not be reminded of this dating adventure when I'm partaking in a bottomless Sunday of mimosas or bellinis.

Note to any guys who are reading this - don't answer the door without pants on.  There is a time and a place for no-pants-ness, but a 2nd date isn't it.  Keep your pants on until a more appropriate time for them to come off.  Thanks!

Project Manager - thanks for your permission to share your story.  It certainly is a good one.

Until next time!

Going on a Picnic

Adventure tale #4

I met Picnic (again, not his real name) on eHarmony at the end of September 2009.  We went through the whole eHarmony gauntlet of guided communication and finally spoke on the phone.  We arranged to meet at a Starbucks in my neighborhood on a Sunday.  I was impressed that he selected something so close to where I live (he lives outside SF - about 30 minutes south of the City).  I remember that it was a particularly warm day and I was wearing a skirt, tank top, and flip-flops.  I had recently had a pedicure with one of my favorite polish colors.  We sat and talked for about 2 hours over coffee.  Picnic even commented that he liked the polish I had on my toes!  (What guy notices that?)  When I needed to get on my merry way, he walked me to my car and was even so bold as to kiss me when we parted.  I was a little taken aback, but decided to just go with it.  I was traveling to NYC the next week, so couldn't make immediate plans for another date with him.  We texted a few times during my trip, and when I was at the airport on my way home, he texted and asked me out for mid-week when I got back.

He texted me when I got home and the day of our date.  I was having a particularly crappy day at work, but was looking forward to our date.  He picked me up (was right on time) and even brought me flowers!  It was starting out to be a great first-and-a-half date!  He made reservations at Umami Japanese restaurant.  It was delicious!  We had nice conversation over dinner and an overall great time.  After we finished eating, he suggested having a cocktail at the bar before we left.  So, as we were sitting at the bar, he grabbed my hand and held it while we had our drinks.  I thought it was sweet!  We held hands as we walked to the car.  He opened the door for me and as he turned around to help me in, he kissed me!  His car is a manual transmission, and he held my hand in between shifting gears during the ride back to my place, so cute.

He asked me out again for the weekend, and I agreed.  We texted and emailed a few times during the week.  As Saturday approached, he texted me and told me that we were going to have a picnic (hence the nickname) in Half Moon Bay and he would pick me up at 11:30am on Saturday.  I asked him if I could bring anything, and he said, "just your beautiful self."  So sweet!  So, 11:30am arrives, and he's right on time.  We drove (holding hands between shifts) down to Half Moon Bay.  During the drive, he asked if he could ask me a question - my last name.  I gave it to him, and asked his in return.  It was kind of funny actually.  With on-line dating, at least for me, identity is kind of a protected asset.  I have a separate email address I use for communicating with potential matches, and I have it set so my last name doesn't show.  So, until I volunteer the information or am asked for my last name, my matches only know my first name.  Safety first (one of my life mottoes).

I asked about his living situation and he seemed kind of uncomfortable with answering.  He admitted he had a roommate, but didn't talk much more about it.  Having a roommate when living in the bay area is kind of common due to the high housing prices.  I had a roommate too at the time, so didn't really think anything of it.

We finally arrived in Half Moon Bay and found a nice picnic spot on the beach.  We get out of his car, and he pops the trunk to reveal a huge wicker picnic basket, blanket, and table cloth.  

We get to the bench and he sets up - table cloth, actual plates (not paper), actual wine glasses (not plastic) a nice bottle of my favorite kind of wine, meats, cheeses, bread, strawberries, and chocolate for dessert.  We had a lovely lunch and good conversation.  When we finished eating, we put the basket and accoutrements back in the trunk and took a walk on the beach.  We found a nice spot and sat on a tree trunk and talked and kissed a little.  After leaving the beach, he suggested we stop for drinks at the Ritz Carlton!  We pulled up and sat at the bar and had a few drinks.  It was so swanky and kind of romantic!  During the journey back into the City, I probed a little more about his living situation and got out of him that he lives with his ex-girlfriend in a 2-bedroom apartment.  They moved in together and a few months later the relationship ended.  Both of them were on the lease, and neither could afford the apartment without the other, so they decided to keep it together until the lease expired.  We got back into the City around dinner time and extended the date for dinner at a little pizza joint in my neighborhood.  Again, nice conversation an overall good time.  He dropped me at home and we kissed a little in the driveway, and then he left.

Again, we texted and emailed throughout the next weeks, and had several more dates.  We kind of established a pattern of having dinner once during the week, then again once on the weekend.  I planned a few, and he planned a few.  For me, it was starting to become something more than casual dating.  A little more than a month after meeting, he invited me to come down to his apartment to hang out and go to dinner.  I told him I was looking forward to going down there and seeing his place as long as the ex wasn't around.  Turns out she was out of town.  So, over to his place I went.  His place was really great.  Amazing furniture, nicely decorated, very comfortable.  We hung out there for a while, then went to dinner.  We had another lovely meal and good conversation.  I had kind of prepared myself to stay the night, but when it came to it, it felt a little strange, so I opted to drive home.

We continued to text and email.  One thing that I started to notice more and more as time passed was that we never actually spoke on the phone.  I think in the 4 months we were together, we talked on the phone only 3 or 4 times.  Everything was done via text or email.  A few times he texted me and I called him back within 1 minute of receiving the text, and it would go to voicemail.  I thought it strange that he would have literally just texted me and 30 seconds later couldn't answer the phone he just used to text.  I theorized that maybe the ex was around and he couldn't talk freely in front of her, but really had no idea what the underlying factor was as to why we never spoke on the phone.

Our mid-week dates usually took place in SF - that's where he works, and where I live - and were usually on Tuesdays - the day that the ex wanted him not to come home before 8pm so she could have the place to herself.  Strange.  Since she imposed that, he imposed a day for himself on Wednesdays, so I next to never saw him on Wednesdays.  Strange again.

Most of our weekend dates were in SF too.  Sometimes they would involve him coming back to my apartment, which was sometimes awkward with my roommate home.  He never spent the night though, even though he was invited.  Even more strange.  I mentioned it to him once as he was getting ready to leave, and he said "we'll see."  It kind of made me second guess things a little - why wouldn't this guy want to stay over?  Never figured that one out.

We continued to have dates during the week and on the weekends leading up to Christmas.  Picnic grew up very close to where I grew up in Southern California.  We were both going to be down there for Christmas.  On our last date before I left for Southern California, I asked if he would want to get together down South.  The conversation went something like this:

Me: "Thanks for dinner, it was lovely.  So, do you think we will have an opportunity to get together when we are both home for Christmas?"

Picnic: "Um, I think I will be pretty busy with my nephews and family."

Me: "OK, I understand.  Maybe we can talk a little."
Picnic: "Well, cell reception isn't the best where my parents live."

Me: "Really?  OK, well, I guess I'll see you when I get home then."
Picnic: "Ok, we can text though."

Me: "OK, well thanks again for dinner.  See you soon."

Picnic: "You're welcome.  See you soon."

Cell reception doesn't work in Southern California - where does he live, Mars?  Whatever.  I walked back inside and was kind of shaking my head in disbelief a little... 

Anyways, I went home for Christmas.  We texted about 3 or 4 times in the 2 weeks I was gone.  Most of those texts were on New Year's day - me asking how he was, he telling me he was hung over.  Me asking him (jokingly) if he reenacted any parts of the movie "The Hangover", and him not responding to 2 additional texts from me.  Nice.  I drove back to SF on Jan 2nd and was looking forward to seeing Picnic.

He never texted me or called me.  I thought it strange.  About 2 weeks into January, I still hadn't heard from him.  So, I crafted an email and sent it off.  

My email said:

"I'm going out on a limb here and assuming that since I haven't heard back from you since Jan 1 that whatever it is we were doing is done.  It would have been nice if you could have been adult about it and had a conversation with me.  Best of luck to you."  

About a week goes by and nada.  A few days in to the 2nd week after I sent the email, I finally got a response that said:

"I apologize for not writing before now.  My father passed away from a heart attack on the 4th, and I have been here in So Cal since dealing with both the practical and emotional issues.  My sister and brother-in-law help, but they also have to maintain an environment of safety and normalacy for my nephews, so I have had to handle most of the arrangements.  Today is the first day I have actual checked my email since it happened.  This doesn't excuse my not writing - I should have let you know what was going on - but may explain it.  Before the holidays it felt like our relationship was fading, but if you would like to get together in a month or so when I've worked through some of the grief (and from the tone of your email, I suspect that you don't), please let me know.  If not, then I truly do wish you well."

My bad.  His father died and that is terrible and tragic.  Having been through the loss of a parent; I don't wish that on anyone.  But, I really had no idea why between the 1st of January and the 4th when his father passed that he never contacted me...  I tried to justify his silence, but really couldn't figure it out.

I responded to his email with something along the lines of - so sorry for your loss, that is horrible.  Hope you and your family are doing as well as can be expected.  Would have been nice if you could have told me sooner what was going on.  Didn't think our relationship was fading.  Regardless, think that we should go our separate ways.  Good luck in your search.

For me, I'd rather someone just be honest with me.  If you don't want to see me, that is your prerogative.  But don't just disappear without a trace or explanation.  Say something, and be honest about it.  Yes, the truth can sting some, but silence or a bullshit excuse are even worse.  If he would have said "I think our relationship is fading and think it would be best if we stopped seeing each other" that would have been much better than not saying anything at all or saying something after too much time passed.  Sure it would have sucked a little, but you lick your wounds, dust yourself off, and get back up on that horse.

Moral of the story - if things seem fishy, they probably are.  Living with an ex and starting a new relationship, probably not the best idea.  Text-only relationships don't work for me.  Communication - get it, use it, keep it honest.

Until next time!

Capitals, punctuation, and spelling, oh my...

So, I was poking around on eHarmony this evening looking at my new matches.  This is often an adventure in and of itself.  Sometimes there is a shocking lack of words and information in profiles, and other times there is an overabundance of information - sometimes too much information.  Sometimes profiles are quite comedic, and sometimes I'm left scratching my head thinking "did that person really just write that?"

Here are some doozies from tonight.  These are directly from profiles with no editing from me.

When describing what one thing he is most passionate about, S, a plumber, wrote, "writing poetry ,i haven't wrote in awhile ,for some reason i cant seem 2 write unless im in love! havent been they way in a long time or if im in a lot of pain. I need 2 write again =]"  He also wrote this about how he he spends his leisure time, "i really lik playing xbox,spin classes, im ready 2 do more fun things just dont have someone 2 do it with."  Oh, and he didn't post a picture of himself.

M, an insurance underwriter, wrote that the one thing he is most passionate about is "sports."  Come on - this is an opportunity to let a girl know about the things you like.  All you can come up with is "sports"?  And, he didn't post a picture either.

B, a shipping clerk, wrote that he is most passionate about "instrumental music."  Does that mean elevator music?  Not sure about that.  And, oh, he didn't post a picture either.

M, who is in the Navy, wrote this about how he likes to spend his leisure time, "i love camping and fishing love to breath the fresh air."  Yep, no picture posted.

M, an accountant, wrote that he is most passionate about "friendships."  Come on M, this is a dating site - you're just passionate about friendships?  And, you guessed it - no picture.

H, self employed, wrote this about what he is most passionate about, "I am passionate alot..."  Hmmmmmmmm...  really?  A lot?

I think one of the biggest head scratching moments I've had over information in a profile came a while back.  A little background.  I'm not religious.  I wasn't born into or with a religion and I don't follow a religion.  I think something is "out there", but I don't feel I need a building, a book, or a person in order to have spirituality.  I have nothing against people who follow a religion, but it isn't for me.  So, that cleared up, here is what a man put in his profile.

When describing the most influential person in his life, he wrote, "Not to sound super spiritual or anything, but I would say Jesus Christ, because he died for my sins, and I would like to make Him happy by serving Him in all aspects of my life."  He also wrote that one of the things in life he is most thankful for is "Having accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior."  WOW - that's a lot of Jesus in his life.  Again, nothing against Jesus and people who think he's the man, but that is a bit much, in my opinion, for a dating profile.

Ok.  So, a recap of lessons learned:

1. Have someone proof-read your profile.  Please.
2. Proper capitalization, punctuation, and spelling are important.
3. This is a profile, not a text.  Abbreviations don't cut it - spell words out, please.
4. The more words you use, the better (within reason, of course).  Telling me you are passionate about sports is fine, but what else are you passionate about?  Tell me something more about you that will make me want to know even more about you.  "Sports" doesn't fit the bill.
5. POST A PICTURE or 2 or 3 or 4 - current, clear pictures, please.

Until next time...

Fun with Science! - Part 1

Adventure tale #3

I recently met and went out with another boy from my eHarmony adventure - I'll call him Molecule.  Molecule is a scientist.  We went through the guided communication process pretty quickly.  He seemed interesting in his profile, and had several good, and seemingly current pictures as well.  When we got to the open communication stage, we each tended to write rather lengthy emails that were chock full of good information and questions for each other.  He was always very witty and cute in his responses.  After about the 3rd email exchange, he wrote "It seems that with our rambling emails we might have graduated to a phone call. Are you up for that? No pressure."  I responded to his email and let him know I'd be up for a chat any time and gave him my phone number.

I think the next day he sent me a text and said he'd call me later that day.  And, then he actually did!  (Major points).  I was in my car when he called and couldn't answer, but I called him back shortly thereafter and left him a message to call me any time the following day.  And he did (more points).  I was quite sick at the time - some flu / bug attacked me - so we only talked for a short time.  But he asked me out on a date for the following Friday.  Of course I accepted.  He said he would think about where to go and call me in a few days to solidify plans.  (Way more points here for taking charge, and for planning our date!).  So, like he said he would, he called me a few days later and asked if 7:30pm worked for me (it did), and asked if I like Mexican food (I do), and then said he would make a reservation at Tres Agaves for 7:30pm that Friday and would text me to confirm once the reservation was made.  We spoke for a few more minutes.  He was really funny and had a great sense of humor.  I was getting more excited to meet Molecule in person.  Sure enough, a few minutes after we got off the phone, he texted me to confirm our plans for Friday.

Friday came around, and I found myself a little nervous for our date.  I got ready, put on a cute outfit (for you fashionistas out there - I wore a pair of True Religion "Becky" jeans, a purple / lavender silk tank top from J. Crew, a navy velvet blazer, and a pair of gold Manolo sling-backs), hoped for a good hair day, and was on my merry way to meet Molecule.  I parked my car and walked over to the restaurant.  He was waiting outside.  When I approached, he said "hi" and gave me a little hug.  We walked into the restaurant (he held the door for me - more points), and checked in with the host.  We were seated at a great little booth.  It was kind of loud in the restaurant, so rather than sit across from him, I scooched further into the booth and he did too.  He commented that he was lucky to get to sit closer to a cute girl on the first date.  It was cute.  So, we talked a little, ordered food, and shared a nice meal.  We talked almost the whole time about all kinds of stuff.  Hobbies, family, background, how we made it to the Bay Area, what I do for a living, what he does for a living, what he's studying in grad school, etc.  We also talked about tattoos - he has 1, and I have a few.  He was quite intrigued about mine.  I described to him what I have, and pointed out where they are, and actually showed him my newest tattoo.  He seemed to like it too.  We also talked about some taboo first date subjects - other dates and our experiences with eHarmony.  I told him about Chef, and he told me about a few not so great dates he's had.  It was kind of funny.  When the check came, he grabbed for it, and I asked if I could contribute.  He flat out said no, and that maybe he'd let me pay next time.  (More points.)

After dinner, we went to District for a glass of wine.  As we were leaving the restaurant, he opened the door for me (yet more points), and then when we were on the street, he put his hands on my shoulders and moved me to the inside, because he said he always walks on the outside (again, more points).  It was sweet, and I liked it.  So, we get to District, find a seat in the back and sit down.  He put his arm around me (I liked that too), and we continued our conversation and witty banter.  We enjoyed a glass of wine and getting to know each other a little more.  On the surface, Molecule seems like a smart, nice, normal person.  But as you get to know him a little more, there is much much more than meets the eye.  I like a person with a little mystery and many facets to their personality.  Around 11:30pm, we both remarked that maybe we should call it a night.  The check came and I tried to grab it, after all it was "next time" and he said no way.  He said "I know I said you could pay next time, but this isn't next time yet."  (More points.)  He walked me to my car, and then I drove him to his car a few blocks away.  We chatted in my car for a few minutes.  He said, "So, I feel I don't need to sugarcoat anything with you."  I said, "No, you don't."  He said, "I had a great time with you tonight and I think we should hang out again, and since you said you don't have plans for Sunday, I think we should do something then."  I said, "That would be great."  He said, "I will call you tomorrow and let you know what time to meet me and where."  I said, "Look forward to it."  Then he gave me a hug and a kiss on my cheek, and then went to his car.  He texted me when he got home and thanked me for a nice evening, and said good night.  I responded with the same.  I went to sleep with a smile on my face after a great first date.  It was an almost exact repeat of my first date with District a few months ago, but I'll save that adventure for another posting.  Don't want to spoil this one.

Sure enough, Molecule called the next day, and left a voicemail to tell me he'd made a reservation for 6pm on Sunday.  He picked 6pm because he knew I had to work the next day, and that I would have to drive home after dinner and didn't want me to get home too late.  Molecule lives about 40 minutes south of San Francisco.  I thought that was quite thoughtful of him...  (more points).  I called him back Sunday morning to say hi, let him know I got his message, and to confirm that the time & location worked for me.

So, I met him at the appointed place at the appointed time 40 minutes south of San Francisco.  We had another nice meal, and some more fun conversation.  We talked more about family, hobbies, life, travel, and all sorts of things.  The conversation flowed great, and we had a lot of fun.  The check came, and I tried to grab it, because after all, this was technically "next time".  He wouldn't let me have the check, and said "this isn't next time yet.  I'll let you know when it is." (More points).  After dinner, we walked to my car to put my left overs down.  As I closed the car door, he kissed me!  He remarked that he had been waiting to do that all night!  It was very sweet and put a big smile on my face.  We decided to take a little stroll in the neighborhood around the restaurant.  It was great - more good conversation about some more serious topics as well as lighter things too.  We found our way back to my car and talked a little, kissed a little, and agreed on a time to meet the next week for our 3rd date.  He helped me into my car, and asked me to let him know that I made it home safely.

I drove home with a big smile on my face - what a great 2nd date!  I called Molecule when I got home and we talked for a few minutes, and then I got ready for my hectic Monday work day.  He called me Monday evening to ask how my work event went (more points).  As we were ending the conversation he suggested that maybe we could get together on Wednesday.  I said it could be a possibility and to call me Wednesday afternoon.  He did, and we made plans for him to stop by later that night.  It was a nice visit - kind of strange to have him over to my place, but it worked out quite nicely.  We spoke on Thursday, and had our 3rd official date on Friday.  We met half-way between our home locales and had a very nice dinner and more great conversation.  Again I drove home from our date with a big smile on my face, and am looking forward to our next date.

So far, it has been a GREAT adventure!  Looking forward to seeing what happens with this molecular adventure tale...

A Pokey tale...

Adventure tale #2.  

I met Pokey (not his real name), on Match.com in February 2009.  His profile, from what I remember of it, was nice.  He seemed interesting, and he seemed like a "real" person.  We moved pretty quickly to emailing each other from our personal emails, outside the "big brother" of Match.com watching our every move.  Our email exchanges were very robust and interesting.  Pokey could definitely write well, using proper grammar and complete sentences (lots of points for him for that).  He answered my questions, asked me new questions, and was just generally interesting.  We even both commented on our collective astonishment at how people lie about themselves on-line all the time.  It was cool that we both seemed to be on the same wave-length.

Pokey had done some traveling when he was a little younger, and was eager to do more of that.  He was employed doing something he really enjoyed doing, and had several hobbies and interests outside of work.  We met for the first time for breakfast on a rainy Sunday afternoon.  Conversation flowed pretty well, and we had a good time.  After breakfast, we ended going back to his place to talk some more.  Pokey is a HUGE fan of jazz music.  I am not.  It was difficult to find something in his sea of jazz LPs that wasn't jazz and that was remotely interesting for me to listen to.  We did, and settled on a listening to Men at Work (yes, a random choice).  But, hey, admit it - "Down Under" and "Be Good Johnny" are catchy little diddies...

We talked for about 2 more hours, then I called it a day and headed home to play with my brand new Mac laptop!  We went out to dinner the next week at a little French bistro near his apartment.  Dinner was yummy.  When the check came, he asked if I could cover the tip - which I did.  Then we went to a place for dessert, which I paid for.  Then picked up some bubbly and went back to his place to talk some more.  Again, found it challenging to find some non-jazz music to listen to.  Here's where my indecision became more indecisive.  I had 2 glasses of bubbly, and didn't really want any more.  Yet, Pokey insisted on pouring me more.  When I said I didn't want it, he was kind of offended, and peer pressured me into drinking it.  After I did, I decided to call it a night.  He walked me to the train, and I was on my merry way.

We started talking on the phone most days, and emailing too.  Still great conversation and emails, but I wasn't really feeling the chemistry with him yet.  I was still really on the fence.  Nice guy, worth a 3rd date.  So, we go out again for dinner.  He orders a beer (at the time I wasn't really into beer).  He asked if I wanted a taste of it, I politely declined.  He peer pressured me again into tasting it.  So, I took a sip, it was not to my liking, and I gave it back to him.  I was getting kind of annoyed with this peer pressure stuff, but willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.  For our subsequent dates, we kind of took turns paying.

We go out for a 4th date - dinner again.  Then we met up with a friend of mine for some jazz music at a club on Haight Street.  I very strongly dislike jazz music.  I suggested it because I thought he would enjoy it, and I can put up with just about anything for a few hours.  He had a good time, and I did too.  When my friend arrived, he bought us both a drink (points for him), and made an effort to get to know my friend and talk with her.  At the end of the show, we shared a cab to his place to drop him off.  I got out of the cab with him and gave him a hug, and we shared a peck on the mouth.  I was starting to think that I might like him, but still wasn't really feeling chemistry, but thought it might be coming...

We go out for a 5th date - dinner again, and then pub trivia at a local bar.  Dinner was nice, got peer pressured again into trying his icky beer.  Trivia was ok.  My 2 guy friends didn't give him too much crap, and we had an enjoyable time.  Still no chemistry though.

We go out for a 6th date - dinner again (just the 2 of us), then drinks with a few of my friends.  Dinner was interesting - he suggested sushi (though he doesn't like it).  I LOVE sushi, so won't refuse.  But, I know Pokey didn't like sushi, and suggested somewhere else.  He said nope, we would go to sushi, and he would get something non-sushi on the menu...  Ok.  So, we go to sushi.  It was a very warm May evening.  The entire time at dinner, he kept tickling my knee.  I'm quite ticklish and don't really love being tickled.  I told him as much in a serious way, and asked him to please stop doing that.  He must have had a large build-up of wax in his ear because he kept tickling me.  One time, ok.  Two times, ok.  But three, four, five times - not so ok with me.  As we walked out of the restaurant and over to the bar, he graduated from tickling my knee to poking my side (hence the nickname, Pokey).  The first time he did it, I asked him to cut it out.  The second time he did it, I hit his arm with my elbow.  We get to the bar and meet my friends.  He buys me a drink.  I finish my drink.  He asks if I want another one, I declined and said I wanted water.  He made fun of me for drinking water in a bar.  He ordered a scotch or something and peer pressured me (again) into trying it.  And kept poking me.  Repeatedly.  He also kept asking me if I was having a good time (I was).  The 4th time he asked me that, I asked him the same question.  Turns out he wasn't feeling that particular bar, so we went somewhere else.  We sit down at a table at the new location and he starts tickling my knee again.  Seriously.  I was thinking this guy is either seriously deaf, has major short-term memory loss, ear wax build-up, or really is delusional that tickling me will turn me on and that I will attack him in a fit of horny-ness.

My friend noticed the tension when he kept tickling me and decided to give us a few minutes alone.  He proceeded to peer pressure me into having more of his icky beer.  At that point, I said, "Pokey, what part of 'no' don't you understand?"  He seemed a bit taken aback by my question and stopped asking me to drink his drink.  But, he kept poking and tickling me.  Maybe he thought that when I told him to stop that I was just kidding and my "STOP please" was really "I love that, and please please keep doing it."

Around midnight, I'd had enough of this poking and tickling.  Pokey had to to go.  My friend and I walked out with him, walked him to the train-stop and said good bye.  After that pokey evening, I was done.  The chemistry wasn't going to come, and at that point, I was completely irritated.  I needed to call on my good friend Gumby to take his pony pal Pokey into a book and put him to pasture.

Pokey called me for another date the next week.  I broke one of my etiquette rules and didn't call him back for the date (my bad).  He was out of town the following week, and never called me when he got back.  About a month later, he sent me an email asking what was up.  I responded the same day and said that I didn't think we were right for a romantic relationship and that I wished him good luck in his search.

Pokey, pokey, pokey.  When someone says no, respect that.  When someone asks you to stop poking them, just stop it, ok?  This isn't the most adventurous dating tale I have, but it resonates with me a little.  When I was younger, I used to poke my sister ALL THE TIME.  She hated it.  Intensely.  I couldn't understand why she hated it so much until I had to endure just one little one evening of it.  I called her after that date and apologized profusely and told her I would not poke her again.  I might have had one or 2 more pokes in me, but I can completely appreciate how annoying it is and solemnly vow not to poke her again.  Sorry Sugarcoat for poking you so much when we were younger.  Lesson learned.

Until the next adventure!

A little on-line dating etiquette: part 1

So, in my humble opinion, with any activity comes some amount of etiquette.  For example, if someone invites you over for a meal, you probably wouldn't show up empty handed.  Or, you might behave differently in a business setting than you would with your friends.  My point is that most things / activities come with an inherent set of rules, expectations, manners - etiquette.

When joining an on-line dating web-site, one of the actions you need to take is to build your profile.  This involves answering some questions about yourself and posting some pictures.  The questions vary between the sites, but the general idea is to provide some information about yourself with the express purpose of catching someone's eye.

Here are some of my thoughts on on-line dating etiquette.  They are pertinent to both girls and guys.

1. Fill out your profile.  You've likely paid money to join the site, so take a few minutes and fill out your profile.  Please provide answers that are more than one word. Please use proper capitalization, grammar, and punctuation.  If in doubt, have a trusted friend review it before you make it active.
2. Please honest in your profile.  People can make themselves into anyone they want to be on-line.  If you fabricate who you are or what you like, when you meet someone in person, it will become apparent rather quickly that who you are in reality does not match who you are on-line.
3. If you have kids, say so.
4. Include a current, clear, decent picture.  Seriously, this is on-line dating.  No one is going to buy merchandise without seeing what it looks like first.  When you are shopping on-line for clothes, electronics, shoes, tools, etc., would you buy something you couldn't see?
• Note here - pictures should be clear, and CURRENT.  That picture from high school or from 20 years ago when you had hair are obviously old.  It will become apparent when you meet in person that you don't look like your profile picture.  See #2 above.
5. If someone "winks" at you, sends you an email, or initiates communication, respond in some way.  It takes only 2 seconds to click the link to send a polite "no thank you", or to click the link to archive the person.
• Think about it - do you like it when you leave a message, text, or email for someone and they never respond?  I didn't think so.  So, take 2 seconds to say no thank you if you aren't interested.
6. If you are communicating with a match and then decide you aren't interested or don't want to communicate any longer - be the adult that you are, and say so.  It takes only a minute to write a polite email saying thank you, but I don't think we are a match, and good luck with your search.
• A good example of this is from a recent match I'll call S.  S and I exchanged a few emails and seemed to have a lot in common.  After the 3rd or 4th email, I hadn't heard back from him in a few days.  A few days later, I received an email that said, "This a very difficult email to send because I really liked your responses, but I don't think it's fair to just hang out and not respond ... I actually met someone I'd like to pursue further. I don't know if it will work out, and I guess another course of action would be to not tell you this, keep pursuing, and find out who I liked more ... but that's really not my style. I'm simple, can't multi-task for shit, and don't think it's a fair or responsible way to go through life anyway. ... not a judgment, it's just the way I am. Like I said, I don't know if it will work out, but I didn't want you thinking that I just stopped responding because I didn't care.  Anyway, like I said, it's just not in my nature to leave things unspoken, or to try dating more than one person at a time. I hope you understand."
• It sucked a little (for me) that he met someone else and wanted to pursue it further, but that was remedied by the fact that he took a few minutes to let me know what was going on.
7. If you make plans to meet up, show up on time.  If you aren't interested or don't want to stay, or see that person again, just say so politely and then take your leave.
• I'll use one example from this past weekend that happened to a friend I will call Sparkles.  Sparkles had been texting and talking daily with this great guy.  They decided to meet up on Saturday night.  Guy was 3 hours late with no explanation.  Met Sparkles for 5 minutes, and then disappeared.  She texted him to ask if he had left and he responded that he had because of a "911 call from his brother."  They exchanged a few more texts, he said he'd call her later & that they would have coffee the next day & nada.  Sparkles was very upset.  He could have softened the blow some by telling her he had to leave, and then actually following through when he said he'd call her later.  If he wasn't interested, he could have just said so instead of behaving like an imbecile.
• An example from my adventures happened a few years ago.  After several emails and 2 phone conversations, I met this guy at the Academy of Science for one of their Thursday night events.  He was 20 mins late.  When he finally arrived, we had a drink and talked a little.  About 35 mins later, he stood right in my face, said that he didn't think there was any chemistry between us and that he was leaving.  He did an about face and literally walked right out of the Academy.  I was standing there a little dumbfounded.  I completely agree that there was no chemistry or interest there for me either, but come on - do you need to be that rude and abrupt in your departure?

I guess to sum it all up, be a decent human being.  Be true to yourself.  Be respectful of others.  Treat others how you want to be treated.

What do you think?