Hello, My Name Is... Episode 2

This is eposide 2 of "Hello, my name is..."  Part 1 is here.

So, years ago, I met a guy at a bar.  That's how many dating stories begin, right?  Well - let me tell you about this one.  I was at my local dive bar many years ago having drinks one weekend night with my old roommate.  She and I were enjoying our evening with some beers, conversation, and fun.  In walked a guy I didn't know, and I could see his reflection in the mirror behind the bar and I thought he was good looking, and had a cool tattoo.  Whatever, I wasn't there that night to meet a guy.

Well, the old roommate had to leave, and I stayed behind to hang out with our other friends there.  Later that night, I found myself talking to tattoo guy, and then dancing with tattoo guy, and then making out with tattoo guy.  Kind of an unexpected turn of events.  We had some fun.  Nothing more was going to come of our dance-floor make-out - he knew it, I knew it.  It was a fun night though.  The end.

Or so I thought...  Several months later, I was out with the old roommate at another neighborhood bar and in walked tattoo guy.  He came up and sat next to my roommate, looked right at me and right through me and said hello to my roommate.  He said, "Hello, my name is ..." and gave her a name that wasn't the same name as he gave me.  He was literally clueless that he'd already met me using another name.  I was flabbergasted.  Who was this guy?  What was his name?  Was he really that clueless?  Who knows.  My roommate knew who he was, and blew him off.

Hello, your name is Bye Bye.

A little old-timey dating adventure

So, I was talking with my 91-year-old grandmother the other day (we'll call her Orchid), and I asked her how she met my grandfather - my dad's dad.  Oh, what a dating adventure.  Orchid came to Los Angeles from the East Coast on the open invitation of her uncle.  She took him up on his invitation in the mid 1950s.  She arrived in Los Angeles on one of the hottest summer days in some time.  She ended up liking it in Los Angeles so much that she had her mother send out the rest of her clothes.

Orchid lived on the East Side (i.e. not the Valley), and was seeing a boy.  They broke up around the holidays.  One of Orchid's friends invited her to a holiday dinner to help bring her mood up.  She arrived at the friend's apartment, and met a guy at the party - I'll call him Pillow.  They talked some, and he ended up taking her home that evening.  He asked if he could take her out on a proper date another time.  Orchid agreed, and they went out on a Saturday relatively soon after they met.  Pillow picked her up, they had a drink or 2 at her apartment, and then they went to a Spanish food restaurant.  Orchid was looking to having paella for dinner.  She had been to actual Spain and really liked the dish.  So, they had a drink at the bar and then were seated for dinner.  The menus were quite large, and when you opened them, you couldn't see over them.  The waiter came over to take their order.  Orchid ordered the paella, and then when it was Pillow's turn, she asked what he would eat.  No answer.  She put her menu down, and asked again.  No answer.  Then she pulled away the huge menu and found Pillow passed out cold with his head on the table.  Literally unconscious.  On the first date.

The Maître D' told Orchid that he couldn't have a passed out patron at the restaurant.  So, they helped Orchid get Pillow outside.  They sat him down on the curb and she brought Pillow's car around.  They got Pillow into the car, and she headed to the Valley.  She had never been to the Valley before, so she really hadn't the faintest idea as to where she was going.  She decided to drive on the San Diego Freeway (aka the 405) to the Valley, get off at the first offramp and go to a gas station to ask for directions to Pillow's house.  She got there safely, and by that time Pillow started to come to.  They sat in the car for a few minutes, then Orchid said she'd go in and make him some coffee.  As she was getting out of the car, Pillow let her know he wasn't a coffee drinker.  He got out of the car and accompanied her into his house.  And, proceeded to puke his guts out in the bathroom and pass out on the bathroom floor.  Orchid sat on the couch, watched some TV, read the paper, and then was wracking her brain on how to get home.  She considered taking his car and then bringing it back the next day.  Right before she was ready to leave, Pillow emerged from the bathroom feeling better and ended up driving her home.  The cause of the unconscious, puking Pillow was that he couldn't hold his liquor.  He was a total lightweight.

I imagine the scene of the passed out Pillow at the restaurant like this, but only in reverse.

She apparently wasn't scared away by that and kept on dating him, and some years later, they married.  I was laughing as she recounted this story to me.  You can have adventures in dating at any age in any era.

Dick tricks, dick snacks, big dicks, and dick pics

So, it's raining dicks lately.  Yes, we are surrounded by dicks of all kinds: people named Dick, people who are dicks, and actual dicks - they are everywhere.  Over the last few months I can't seem to escape dicks.

One day recently, a friend of mine was physically unable to put her phone down - texting ALL DAY LONG.  I finally asked her who she was texting and what was so important, and she got a big smile on her face and said she's been texting with a guy she met.  He was texting her dick pics.  Apparently this guy is fairly well endowed and he likes to send girls pics of his dick before they get too hot and heavy because many a girls have ended things with him because his dick is too large.  So, he sent her a pic of his dick covered up by a towel, but he's holding it so you can see the outline.  Then, he sent her a very clear pic of his dick all hard and naked.  It was big.

That got me thinking about dick pics and how ridiculous and hilarious they really are.  Seriously, guys, do you think about whether the girl (or guy) you are sending pic of your dick to ISN'T going to show it to other people, lots of other people?  Maybe you want others to see your dick.  I don't know.  I've never met a person who has received a dick pic who has ended up in a relationship with the owner of the dick.  I've written about dick pics before - here.

Seeing this friend's dick pics maybe made me more in tune to the various dick things around me...

It got me remembering a show I saw YEARS ago (in 2002) in San Francisco called Puppetry of the Penis.  Basically 2 dudes on stage doing origami with their dicks.  It was at the Theater on the Square in San Francisco.  These 2 dudes walked out onto the stage wearing capes and then proceeded to open up their capes to show off their nakedness and their dicks.  And, then proceeded to play with their dicks.  There were big screens on the sides of the stage and cameras that provided the audience with up-close and personal views of what the guys were doing with their dicks.  It was super random.  It was super weird.  It was a tad uncomfortable to watch.  But it was like a car accident or train wreck - you couldn't not watch.  They made such things as turtles, boomerangs, pelicans, baby birds, skateboards, and other everyday things with their dicks.  They really did.  There's even a book with graphic pictures.  And, of course, you can still get the book on Amazon (though as of this writing, it is temporarily out of stock).

I got my booked signed by the dicks themselves.  Dick Pics - left - Emu, right - hamburger

It is gross, awkward, and icky.  But you can't not look!

Then, watching Grey's Anatomy on TV one night recently, one of the story lines in the episode had a girl being brought into the ER and we learn that she is there due to a sex-accident.  She met a guy who was fairly well endowed, and she thought to herself that it was like Mt. Everest - it's there so you have to climb it.  Only, when she was climbing it (figuratively and literally), the guy slipped and landed on top of her and she dislocated her hip and had some other injuries that required surgery.  Needless to say, after surgery she left Mt. Everest behind.  Here's the episode recap.

That episode got me remembering about an episode of Sex and The City where Samantha met Mr. Cocky and he tells her that he's fairly well endowed.  Samantha also thinks of the Mt. Everest comparison and tries to climb the mountain.  Here's a clip.

I also remembered a scene in Magic Mike XXL where the Joe Managaniello character talks about how he hasn't had sex in many months because his dick is too big.  He's looking for his "glass slipper."  He finds it later in the movie.

Then I was remembering the Season 1 episode of Silicon Valley on HBO with the dick to floor ratio and mean jerk time - here's a clip on YouTube.  The Husband and I were almost falling out of our chairs when we watched that one.  It's just so hilarious and ludicrous and random and wrong, and you can't not watch...

And, in a recent episode of Silicon Valley, we've got gigantic horse dick.  Need to see the clip?- it's on YouTube.  It's gross, it's wrong, it's ludicrous, but you can't stop watching.

And, then there's the dick humor that is very prevalent in the show - including the logo - a guy sucking a dick with another dick tucked behind his ear - a snack dick.

As I said earlier, dicks are all around you.  You don't even have to seek them out - they're just there - on TV, in real life, the naked guys on Castro Street in San Francisco, your favorite TV show, in texts, on the road, in your hands, in your pants - they're everywhere, like the song from Izza Kizza.

Video games and girls

So, a friend of mine posted a little blurb on Facebook the other day that made me laugh out loud, quite literally.

So, guys - if the majority of your conversation is about playing video games, tactics for the game, and you're totally serious about it, please wake up - this is probably not conversation that is going to attract and keep around non-video game-playing-girls.  If your goal is to find a like-minded video gaming-girl, keep doing what you're doing and hunt that gamer girl down - she'll be totally awesome, as all girls are.

But if you want a girl (any kind of girl), and I'm guessing you do based on the last sentence my friend overheard, you may want to reevaluate what you are talking about and where you are putting your efforts.  Are you focusing too much on your game?  Or are you getting your head into the game - the dating game - to find the girl of your dreams?

I'm not saying that you still can't play video games, or that you still can't talk about playing video games.  But what I am saying is that if you want a girl (any type of girl), you'll have to expand your horizons some and spend some of your time actually looking for her.  Maybe you can talk about the tactics of meeting girls with your bros.  Here's an idea - think of this as a video game - to win the game you need to meet a girl, IRL.  

Talk about those tactics.

Then, execute.

An Interesting Way to Meet a Wife, part 2

Hello, so quite a while ago I wrote about how a work colleague met his wife when he worked for a firm selling stocks by cold calling people.  One of the people he cold called ended up becoming his wife!

Recently, I learned that a friend of mine, we'll call him Superman, met his wife in another interesting way - on Instagram.  I'm sure he isn't the first person to meet a significant other on social media, but the story is so cute!  Superman used to live in San Francisco, and several years ago, moved down to Southern California.  A little while after he moved down there, I started seeing posts from him on FaceBook with a girl - and I thought, "Good for him!"  He's a great guy, super smart, great job, amazing zest for life.

Then I saw a post with him and his girlfriend, and she had a diamond ring on her finger!  I was super excited for him!  Then, there were subsequent posts about his wedding and all of the festivities.  A few weeks ago, I was having dinner with a San Francisco friend of mine, and she told me how Superman and his now wife met, and sent me a link to the article she (the wife) wrote about it in the LA Times!

Turns out that Mrs. Superman knew Superman from their hometown in Mexico - Superman was friends with Mrs. Superman's sister when she was 10 and he was probably around 18.  Mr. Superman had "liked" one of Mrs. Superman's posts on Instagram, and that set about events that ultimately led to them getting married!

I love a good love story, and this is no exception.  Check it out on the LA Times' website HERE.

Until next time...

Love and Pizza

So, I was driving home the other night after work - February 25 - listening to NPR, and segment on MarketPlace called "The Transaction" came on.  I don't know that I've heard this segment before, but it totally caught (and held) my attention.

This is a story about Marcos Menendez, a Pizza Hut delivery guy in El Paso, TX.  I'll summarize for you:  Marcos was delivering pizzas on a random Friday night, and his last delivery was to a house where a small kid grabbed the pizza from him at the front door, and a magnificently beautiful girl came to the door to pay for the pizza.  Marcos was immediately smitten, but feeling rather self conscious wearing his standard and frightfully unappealing Pizza Hut uniform.  He was speechless.  When he got back into his car he thought, "Man, I wish I had a girlfriend like her."

A few weeks later, Marcos' boss at Pizza Hut was getting married and his fiancé invited Marcos to the wedding.  The fiancé said to Marcos, "There's a friend, her name is Maru, you delivered a pizza to her home and she wants to meet you."

Seriously - this happened to Marcos.

Marcos went to the wedding, formally met Maru, and has now been married to her for 15 years.

This story is so sweet and touching and heart warming - I just loved it.  You never know where you will find love, how you will find it, or if you will find it.  Sometimes it just finds you!

You can read the full story here.  I suggest listening to the segment - hearing Marcos' voice tell his tale is even better.  It is 3 minutes 12 seconds - click the arrow icon at the top of the page.  I bet you'll love it too.

Pay it forward!

I'm on a roll tonight...  A friend of mine, Improv, has embarked on her on-line dating adventures.

She met a guy on Match.com late last year, and dated him for a few months.  She brought him along to my birthday picnic, and our little group of friends got the opportunity to meet him.  I'll call him Quiet-Passive-Aggressive of QPA for short.  He seemed nice enough, but didn't actually say much for the entire picnic.

Improv liked him and he seemed to like her.  He came (alone) to one of her improv shows, which was sweet.  We all liked him, but it was hard to get to know him.  He is super quiet and shy and awkward in social situations.  He would kind of stand off to the side and watch - a little voyeuristic (and border line creepy), in my opinion.

Improv and QPA were going out for several months, but then something changed.  He got more passive aggressive with her - he would only want to do what he wanted to do.  Any time Improv suggested something, and he didn't want to do it, he would say no, and then suggest something he wanted to do - with no attention paid to what Improv wanted to do.  Then he would get mad when Improv didn't want to do what he wanted to do.  Things went around in this little passive-aggressive circle for a while until Improv was over it.

She made dinner plans with him to cut him loose.  The conversation was brief, and when she was done telling QPA she was done with him, he had the balls to ask if Improv could set the stage for him to ask one of Improv's friends out.

Seriously.  QPA wanted Improv to pay him forward.  I'm all for paying things forward, even in the dating arena, but with QPA, ummmmm, No.  Bye bye.