Not a fan of Cigars

Adventure tale #10

So, I met Cigar on eHarmony.  He was 4 years older than me, a partner in a cigar bar, tall, tattoos, surfs, seemed cool.  We went through the guided communication process pretty quickly, and got to the email exchange.  After about 3 emails through eHarmony, we moved to using our personal emails.

The first few emails were pretty good.  He wrote mostly complete sentences, and used mostly correct spelling and grammar.  He seemed pretty interesting.  On his email address from his personal account, his full name showed, so I admit, I plugged the email address and his name into Facebook to see what, if anything, was there.  After the Chef debacle, I try to verify the people I potentially might go on a date with.  His email address brought up the page for the bar that he is a partner in.  I perused some of that page and then plugged in his name which brought up his own page.  Interesting person.  Uses a lot of profanity.  I use some too (who doesn't), but usually in a less public manner.  You know, employers and potential employers may do what I do and stalk potential hires on the internet, so I tend to be a little careful about what I post and the words I use.  I digress.  Back to Cigar.

So, he seemed interesting, and I was enjoying our email exchanges so far.  Each time I received and email and responded, it generally took him at least 3 days to respond.  I thought this a little peculiar given that Cigar has an iPhone, a computer, an internet connection.  Why the delays in responding?  OK, I have to admit that sometimes it takes me a few days to respond to emails too when I'm busy, but I guess if you are in a situation where you are trying to go on a date with someone, you might want to be a little more responsive.  That's just my opinion.

For example, Cigar wrote in one of our emails:

...So are you wondering what type of hours I keep as a bar owner, I bet you'd be suprised to know that I don't work nights and have weekends off, maybe you wouldn't but most think that anyone associated with a bar is all nights and weekends. I actually only work 4 days a week, which is still a little disconcerting being a workaholic.

Ok I could go on and on and on, but I want to spare your eyes, ( anybody told you, you have beautiful eyes?), would you like to exchange numbers and take it live? I'd like to but am cool with your timing, so let me know.

I responded and said that it would be nice to chat and gave him my number.  Guess what?  No call.  He responded to my email (you guessed it) 3 days later - it was a Monday.  He wrote a lengthy email (I was somewhat impressed), and answered one of my questions about what he does on his 3 days off every week.  He told me:

No real structure on days off, just me and friends time I guess. I'm off on Tuesdays which I like to spend for the most part doing lunch with friends, of course surfing is always, always on the ready if it's firing... Lately though I'm really trying to do things that I don't normally have an interest in doing, you know, like going to museums or even just walking and looking at things, probably sounds stupid, but I realize I'm getting older and more set in my ways and I'm not sure if I'm satisfied with just those ways...

I forget if you live here in SF and am quite honestly to lazy right now to look it up on evilharmony. I'm carless so the city would be best although I could do BART, like I said I'm off evenings so if you'd like to meet after six for a cocktail and a chat then let's plan something, if you've got time for lunch I'm free this Tuesday.  Let me know what you think.

Because it was Monday, and he was asking me out for the next day, I responded pretty quickly that day.  I told him I was busy for lunch on Tuesday, but that I could meet later that afternoon, and also gave him a few other options of when I was available.  Guess what?  No response.  He emailed me again on Thursday:

I'm forcing myself to take some time to reach out, not because there's some resistance, but I'm letting myself get busy and neglecting myself and friends all at the same time. Seriously, I wish there was like an extra pocket of time I could disappear too where nobody would know I'm gone but where I could operate out of the constraints of my schedule or whatever you want to call it.

Ok, Cigar.  You work 4 days a week, no nights...  What are you so busy with?  Surfing?  Drinking whiskey?  Smoking cigars?  Inquiring minds want to know...

His email continued with:

Ok time to climb out of the pocket and organize my day. It's funny because you live pretty close and it seems like you're a city away, so just thinking about how hectic we both seem right now, it's really easy for me to get over to your neighborhood and could meet you for a coffee before I go into the bar ( my customers can wait, if I'm late). Just trying to be pro-active in setting up a time to meet you, and like I said it seems like we're both crazy busy right now. Let me know what you think.

I responded that same day and and gave him a few days where I had availability to meet up.  Guess what?  He didn't respond for 8 days this time...

Finally time enough for a quick note. Between having a full scale battle with comcast (internet) and my crazy ass bar I have become a total recluse. I'm hoping you haven't given up on me and that maybe just maybe you've been as crazy as me. Would you care to try a redo and a possible meet?

I responded about a week later (2 can play this game, yes dating is a game) with a few more days I was available to meet...  Guess what?  I bet you can guess what...  No response.  For 15 days.  I said sayonara to Cigar.  Closed him out on eHarmony.  Ciao.  Goodbye.

The irony here?  Directly in his eHarmony profile, he answered "the most important thing I am looking for in a person is" question with - this is directly from his profile:

Reliability: You know hard things like following through with what you say you're going to do, that sort of stuff. Integrity is a hard trait to sum up but flakiness is the antithesis of integrity and if you're unreliable then you're flakey and that ain't no good.

Cigar, you need to practice what you preach.  Big time.

Having these adventures with guys and talking with friends who are having similar adventures really makes me wonder.  If a guy really wants to meet you, what's the hold up?  Granted, if a person really isn't interested, they usually cease contact.  But, at least for a time, Cigar kept emailing.  Granted, it was a little sporadic, but he kept coming back for more.  So, why the hesitancy to actually commit to a date and time?  Ding ding ding - commitment-phobe.  When you see it in writing, and can actually look back on it, you see patterns.  Suggest a day to meet, then don't respond.  Somewhat still interested.  Suggest another day, then don't respond.  Still, somewhat interested.  Suggest something vague, then don't respond.

Well, guess what Cigar?  I see your pattern.  If this is your modus operandi BEFORE we even spoke on the phone or met in person, I don't think I want to meet you at all.  Patterns tend not to change much.  I don't want to date a person who can't even make a date.

And, cigars are bad for you.  I like my health.  Audios.

Until next time...

Hook-up - do it, no way, or somewhere in between?

Adventure tale-ish #8 and #9

So, the hook-up.  Do it?  No way?  Or are you somewhere in between?  For a very long time I was on the "no way" train.  Hook-up with a random guy?  Not for me.  I've had countless discussions about this over the years with Sugar Coat (my sister).

I had sex for the first time when I was 20 or 21 - a little bit of a late bloomer.  I was with the guy I'll call Pager for a little over a year.  I was head over heels for him.  He was a lot less so for me.  I remember during one heated conversation with him he said something along the lines of "if I feel that you fall in love with me, I'm going to walk away.  I don't want a girlfriend, and I don't want to be in love."  Delusional, glutton for punishment me took this as a challenge, and I thought to myself "ooohhh - I can make him fall in love with me."  WRONG.  WRONG.  WRONG.  I should have walked away.  Of course I didn't.  I mean, who walks away from a challenge?  What I would have done for my sister to have been old and wise enough to say, "He's a loser.  He's not in to you.  Walk away."  Or to be experienced enough to see all of the numerous red flags myself and be strong enough to walk away on my own.  Oh well, we all need these "learning" experiences, right?

So, after things ended with Pager (short version - I moved to SF to go to college.  He said he'd never come visit me here.  So, that pretty much ended it), my sex life was a tad dry.  Around 4 years dry.  In college, I met a guy I'll call JR.  He was amazing - super cute, smart, athletic, and intelligent.  We had several classes together and would study, discuss our readings, and go over our papers and exams together.  I remember discussing Eric Foner's A Short History of Reconstruction.  Good stuff.  JR was kind of getting it on with a friend of mine, but that was somewhat short-lived.  He and I often had late-night conversations about all kinds of random stuff, and sometimes they would come to the topic of sex.  Until then, I had only been with one person.  I felt that sex should "mean something" and be with the person you love.  Since I had no one at that time who meant anything to me and wasn't in love, I wasn't having sex.  He maybe took that as a challenge and didn't walk away.  He said a few times that he wanted me to not be afraid of sex, not be afraid to feel good, and to experience it with someone else.  In one conversation that I wrote about in my old journal, the topic turned to sex.  I finally found the courage to ask him a question that I really had been wondering about for a long while.  I wrote this:

... Then he kept on talking to me and telling me to be honest.  Eventually I said, "you once asked me that if you didn't have a girlfriend, if you would have a chance and I told you yes.  Well, same question to you."  He said, "Damn!  Yes - I find you very attractive."  So that made me feel good...

After several such conversations, and who knows how long, one night - it was my birthday in 1997 - he called to wish me happy birthday.  It was late at night, close to 2am.  It was freezing that night.  He asked what I was doing.  I told him I was in bed under a lot of blankets shivering my ass off.  For some reason, I think I asked him to come over.  To my surprise, he did.  A brief synopsis directly from my journal:

He came in [my apartment / room] and got in bed with me.  We were just laying there.  Then we were facing each other and he was rubbing his face on mine and we started kissing and kissing and kissing.  It was rad.  My shirt and his shirt were off...  Then he spent the night.

I distinctly remember that night.  He rode his motorcycle over.  I was so nervous that one of my roommates would wake up.  He came in carrying his helmet and wearing this big black leather jacket.  Totally hot.  No sex that night, but I remember really enjoying myself nonetheless.  But also feeling strange that I felt so good doing things with someone whom I wasn't in love with and wasn't in a relationship with.

About a month after our first sexual encounter, we continued our friendship and conversations.  Somehow he ended up coming over the day before Thanksgiving.  We watched TV, talked, and then eventually kind of went to sleep.  I wrote in my journal:

... I turned over to go to bed.  Then he spooned me and put his hand under my shirt and on my stomach and I lost it.  We started kissing, he pulled my pants off, I pulled his shirt off.  Then he pulled his pants off and...  My god it was rad.  I can't wait for it to happen again!

Well, it actually did happen one more time and it was rad that time too.  I guess I consider this my first "one night stand" or hook-up.  Note here:  I was advised by my friend Sparkles that a one night stand is technically a hook-up with someone you met that night and NEVER see again.  So, I guess this wasn't really, truly, technically a one night stand.  It was more of the beginning of a friend with benefits.  Thanks Sparkles for your input!

My next hook-up came many many years later.  I was at a Christmas party at a friend's house.  I met a guy there who seemed cool, was nice, and we hit it off.  For some reason, I ended up leaving the party with him and driving him home.  We get to his place, he shows me around, then we started making out.  Clothes started coming off, and I remember him saying, "wow, I really like your ink."  (I have a few tattoos - apparently he liked them).  It seemed very comical to me because he kept saying it.  Some people have pet peeves and one of mine is calling tattoos ink.  Irks me every time.  So, we moved to the couch.  It was clear that he wanted to hook-up.  I was so nervous, I'm sure I was shaking.  I was having an internal debate with myself.  I could literally visualize a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other.  The devil wore the face of my sister (she really isn't a devil - just a lot more free than I was), and the angel was me.  My sister-devil was saying - just do it - it feels great - you deserve pleasure - don't over think it - you deserve it.  The angel-me was saying - you don't love him - you're not in a relationship with him - does he really want to do it with me or does he just want to do it.  Ugh.  Well, the sister-devil won.  I decided to just go with it.  I deserve to feel good and there is nothing wrong with that.

So, clothes came off, kissing ensued, and a relocation to the bedroom was starting to happen.  Somehow we fell down onto the ground in the hallway and stayed there.  Things happened and we were ready for the sex part.  Now, to provide the complete and comical visual - I was naked.  His shirt was off.  His shoes were still on and his pants were down around his ankles.  I ask him to get a condom.  He starts shaking his head and saying, "Fuck.  Fuck.  Fuck."  (Yes, guy, that is what we're about to do.)  I said "What?"  He said, "I don't think I have any condoms."  I said, "Well this isn't going to happen without one."  He said, "Are you sure?  I'm clean."  I said, "Doesn't matter - no condom, no go.  I don't know you, and you don't even know me - you should want to use one."  He said, "If I can scrounge one up will that work?"  I said, "Not if it is some crusty, old, expired condom."  He said, "Do you really need one?"  I said, "Absolutely, yes."  He starts rolling and writhing around on the ground, pants around ankles, muttering to himself while shaking his head, "Fuck, fuck, fuck."  I took that as my cue to leave.  I rolled him off of me, put on my clothes, and pretty much ran out of his apartment laughing to myself.  In this (or that) day and age, what single person doesn't have condoms?  I was amazed.

On my drive home, I called my sister and said "Guess what?  I almost had sex!"  I told her what happened, we laughed uncontrollably about it, and she said she was proud of me for allowing myself to be pleasured even though it didn't go all the way!  Thinking about that night still makes me laugh - it was so comical.  I guess this one based on the prior clarified definition thanks to Sparkles is mostly, really a one-night stand - except not 100% because we didn't actually have sex... 

Over the years, the concept of the hook-up has become something less scary.  I mean, who doesn't like to feel good?  If someone is out there who is willing to help you feel good (in a safe way), why not?  As long as everyone involved is on the same page, are consenting adults, has equal expectations, just go with it.  Feel good.  Feel amazing.  Just don't feel bad about feeling good.  I'll address this some more in future posts, I'm sure.  I've got a few comical stories about other brief encounters.  And, I know my friends do too - I'll be hitting you up for some of them to share here too!

I'll leave you with this...  Feel good.  Be safe.  Not mutually independent things.  Put them together - like ice cream & chocolate sauce, peanut butter & jelly, orange juice & champagne.  Sex and condoms.  Yes, please, and thank you.

 

 Until next time!  Stay classy (and safe)!

Watch out for Red-light runners

Adventure tale #7

I met Red-Light Runner (RLR) on eHarmony in September 2010.  September was somewhat of a tumultuous month for me.  I had to move out of the apartment where I had lived for almost 16 years.  So, on top of a hectic work schedule, having to sort, toss, and pack 16 years worth of my life, and move, I was also still trying to date.

RLR lived just outside SF, but lived in the City for about a year.  We went through the guided eHarmony communication process somewhat quickly, then exchanged personal email addresses.  We had several email exchanges.  On about our 3rd exchange, he asked me out for the weekend to go check out the SF Museum of Modern Art (MOMA).  To add to the tumult of September, I went to Monterey for my brother's birthday, and agreed to meet RLR on a Sunday after I got home from Monterey.  It was one of those hot SF Septembers, and I remember calling RLR on my drive back to SF from Monterey.  I think I called him at around 12pm-ish.  I actually woke him up.  I let him know I'd be back in SF around 2:30 or 3, and could head out to the museum around then.  He asked if I wanted to meet him at the museum or if I would like him to pick me up.  I decided to let him pick me up, so I texted him my address.  He actually asked for directions...  That struck me as a little strange.  I was thinking, "why can't he just look it up on google maps or something?"  I told him that I didn't really know where he was coming from, so it would probably be best if he just googled it.

So, I made it home, changed my clothes (put on a cute black dress, flip flops, grabbed a purple cardigan, and a denim jacked just in case it got cool that night), and waited for RLR to show up.  About 15 mins after he was supposed to pick me up, he texted and said he got a little lost and would be to my place in about 5 mins.  I remember thinking, "he got lost?  Didn't he say he lived near me for a while?  Random."  So, he gets to my place, rings the doorbell.  I go down, he gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, opens the car door for me, and helps me into his car.  He was kind of visibly nervous.  He was also sweating - it was probably around 85 or 90 degrees and he was wearing a long-sleeved shirt, jeans, and dressy-ish shoes.  If it is 85 or 90 in SF, that means it is warmer elsehwhere in the bay area, especially where he lived.  I remember thinking why is he wearing a long-sleeved shirt, it is hot outside.  I also thought he was cute and a little short.  I do prefer dating guys who are taller than me, but height isn't a complete deal breaker.  Whatever.  So, I get in the car and we begin our journey to the SF MOMA.  He didn't really know how to get there, so I directed him.  We parked, walked over to the museum, and began our foray into the world of modern art.  It was actually kind of fun - we walked around, talked about the various pieces of art we saw, and had a nice time.  After about 3 hours or so in the museum, we were both pretty much ready to get out of there, and we were both hungry.

We left the museum and were talking about where to go for dinner.  I suggested several places within walking distance of the museum, but he didn't seem receptive to them.  He said that he had marked some places in his other phone that was in the car.  Yes, RLR had 2 cell phones.  I thought it was a little strange.  Granted, I have 2 cell phones too - 1 is my personal phone, and 1 is my work phone.  But his 2 phones were both personal phones...  He used one primarily for navigation and web-browsing, and the other for phone calls.  In this day and age, isn't one smartphone sufficient?  Who knows.  So, we went to his car, got in, and he took out the 2nd phone whose battery was dead because he forgot to turn off the navigation...  So, he's like a fish out of water, can't remember any of the places he wanted to try for dinner, and was really nervous and flustered about it...  I suggested a few different places in the Mission, and we finally agreed on Luna Park.

He doesn't know how to get there, so I directed him.  As we are driving, we were talking about the museum and other stuff.  He was telling me some story about something, and when we were at around Mission Street and 14th or 15th street, he actually ran a red light - hence the nickname Red Light Runner.  THANK GOD there were no cars coming when he did that.  He didn't even notice that he had run the red.  I was kind of freaking out a little, and so thankful that we didn't get hit or hit anything.  It was getting more apparent that he was really nervous.  So, we got to Luna Park, parked in one of the public garages, and walked over to the restaurant.  Dinner was nice.  Conversation was a little strained - several awkward silences.  When the check came, I asked if I could contribute, and he said no, he'd take care of it.  Points for that.  Around 8pm or so, we had finished dinner and I was pretty much ready to go.  So, I remember saying "Are you ready to blow this popsicle stand?"  He said, "What?  I don't get it."  I said, "Are you ready to leave?"  He said, "Oh.  Yes, we can go."  So, we walked to the garage.  I paid for parking.  I direct him on how to get back to my place.  We were driving up Clipper, and he ran the 4-way stop sign at Clipper and Diamond.  Again, he had no clue that he ran a stop.  I was kind of flabbergasted.  He ran 2 stopping apparatus on our first date.  I guess he was just super, uber nervous.  I was at a loss for another alternative explanation...

He dropped me off, helped me out of the car, walked me to my gate, gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.  Said he had a great time and would I like to get together again soon?  I said I had a nice time, and that yes, I'd like to get together again.  He asked me out for the next weekend, but that was the weekend before my move, and I knew I would have a lot of packing to get through.  I asked for a rain-check for after the move, and he agreed.  He then actually asked me out via email which was a little strange.  Problem was, I didn't check email until Sunday evening, and he wanted to do something Sunday -day...  I thought it a little curious that he didn't just call me to ask me out.  Regardless, we were finding it a little difficult to make plans to hang out again.

We continued to exchange a few emails here and there, but nothing really materialized in terms of a 2nd date.  I wasn't too torn up about it because I wasn't really sure I was interested in him romantically.  He seemed to be a nice guy, but his nerves really got the best of him on our date.

A few weeks after my move, I was starting to feel more settled and available for dating again.  I emailed him to say hi and see how he was doing.  He responded about a week later, said he was well, working up a storm and pretty busy.  We continued to stay in touch every week or so via email.  Again, life got in the way of scheduling another date - I got sick, then had a business trip.  Then he was busy, etc.  We eventually fell out of touch mid-October.

Randomly, I got an email from him in January of this year.  This is his email:

Hey there, do you remember me?  It's been like years! :)  Ok, not really but it feels like it.  If you would like to hang out again, I'm up for it.  I get so involved in my work, my personal projects, and my hobbies, that time just flies by - I apologize for not responding, even giving you a call (oh my gosh!).  And I hope you don't think of me as a yuppie, cause I would do what I do for free - as long as I had shelter and food :)  The last month I've been wanting to check out some Karaoke places, but my friends don't really do that (well, maybe if they were plastered).  I think I told you I'm a secret Eagles fan, and people have told me I can sing.  I wouldn't mind doing some Van Halen too :)  Anyway, hope you had a great new year at your new place?  Does it still feel new?
Cheers!

 I couldn't completely tell if it was a spam email or a real email.  The line about me thinking him a yuppie because he'd do what he does for free was random and kind of had me thinking it was spam.  But then he made reference to my new place and how it was feeling.  A spammer wouldn't know I had moved recently (or hopefully they wouldn't know that).  I responded to him with:

Hi,

Happy New Year!  Yes, I remember you.  Technically it has been a year, although not a calendar year...  Thanks for your note!  Do anything fun and/or exciting for New Years and the holidays?  I was with my family for about a week for Christmas, and then spent New Year's up here with friends.  I was also in Monterey with my brother and his wife & kids for Turkey day.  It's been fun.  Today was my first day back at work.  I had the last 2 weeks of the year off for vacation.  Totally didn't want to go back to work today, but alas, I need a paycheck!  Apartment is pretty much "there" though I still have some creative storage solutions to come up with, and some more stuff to donate to Goodwill.  I find that I have 2 VCRs - who even uses them anymore?  I'm keeping one, but need to get rid of the other, and somehow figure out how to transfer the few things I have left on tape to digital and I can get rid of the other VCR altogether!  Yeay!  How is work for you?  Photography?  Karaoke, eh?  I'm not a big singer myself, but would watch you sing!  Ha ha ha.  Let me know what your schedule looks like and we can make some plans!

Ciao!

I never heard back from him...  Very strange.  I guess my lesson learned here - if a guy runs a red light and a stop-sign on a first date, maybe that is fate's way of intervening - telling you to stop?  Who knows.

Moral of this story - don't run red lights or stop signs.  It is illegal and can be very dangerous.

Until next time!

Fun with Science! - Part 2

Adventure tale #6

So, I wrote about my first few dates with Molecule a few weeks ago (Fun with Science - Part 1 - click here).  We have continued to see each other, and are having a lot of fun!

On our second date, he mentioned something about a play called Avenue Q.  I actually saw that play a few years ago and laughed so hard, I almost peed in my pants.  I told him I had heard of it, and was planning to go see it with a few friends.  I asked if he was interested in coming along.  He was.  So, a few days later, I bought tickets for him, me, and a few friends.  Avenue Q is a musical aimed at adults.  There are actual people on stage along with puppets.  There is a Gary Coleman character, as well as puppet monsters.  They sing songs such as "What do you do with a BA in English," "Everyone's a little bit racist," and "The internet is for porn," among many others that are equally hilarious.  Check it out if you have the opportunity, it doesn't disappoint.

So, our 5th date was going to be dinner and Avenue Q.  Molecule came over around 4:45pm, we hung out a bit while I finished getting ready, then headed out for dinner.  As always, he walked on the outside, and held my hand or had his arm around me.  He opened all of the doors for me, and was just such a gentleman.  We took the bus to dinner at Farmer Brown.  I had a spare MUNI ticket for him, and planned the whole evening.  Dinner was super yummy.  I kind of snuck and paid for dinner - the check came while Molecule was in the restroom.  He came back as I was signing the check.  He asked what I was doing, and I said I was paying for dinner.  He kind of gave me a look like I shouldn't be doing that.  I smiled and said, "you can get it next time."  He kind of laughed and shook his head.  After dinner, we headed over to the Orpheum theater for the play.  We were meeting the girls there - Project Manager, Pole, and M.  Molecule and I went in and found our seats and talked a little while waiting for the girls.  They arrived, and as they schooched by Molecule to get to their seats, each introduced themselves.  It was cute.  We all talked a little until the show started.

Once it started, Molecule reached over and held my hand.  So cute and felt so great!  I really liked it!  During the intermission, Molecule and I went out to the lobby and chatted for a few minutes, stole a few little kisses, then went back to our seats and talked with the girls a little more until the show started again.  During the 2nd part of the show, Molecule was holding my hand again!  After it ended, he stepped out into the aisle, and let all of us out of the seats, and then followed us out of the theater.  We chatted a few minutes, then he and I went back to my place.  We had a great evening and sleep over (not too much funny business though, but just enough).  When we woke up in the morning (not early), we talked a little, snuggled a little, napped a little, then finally woke up and had breakfast in bed while watching the Laker's game.  A little while later, he had to get home, and I had an Oscar's party to get to.  So, somewhat reluctantly, we got up, got dressed, and he was on his way.

The next week, his parents were in town, so we weren't able to get together.  We talked a few times on the phone, and texted a little too.  The following week, he stopped by after school and we hung out for a few hours.  We made plans to hang out that Saturday afternoon / evening after I was finished with my volunteering commitment (I'm a mentor for at-risk youth living in SF).  We had planned to see the BodyWorks exhibit at a local museum (check it out).  Honestly, I was a little creeped out by the thought of seeing those preserved bodies, but thought that it could actually be quite interesting, and hopefully not at all smelly.  I'll try almost anything once, but not stinky things...  Molecule texted me Friday afternoon and asked me to call him.  I did, and he told me he wasn't feeling well and he wasn't sure about going to the museum on Saturday.  I suggested perhaps a mellow evening in - take-out dinner & a movie at his place (since he was sick, and we had planned on hanging out down there anyway)...  He thought he could handle that.  So, I went over there Saturday evening.  We talked, cuddled a little, got some dinner, and watched Middle Men (super funny movie if you haven't already seen it - Luke Wilson and Giovani Ribisi, among others.)  It was very challenging not to actually kiss - he was sick, and didn't want me to get sick.

As he walked me to my car that night, I suggested getting together for dinner the next Wednesday (he was going to be out of town that weekend.)  He suggested Thursday instead, and that worked for me.  He asked me to text him when I got home, which I did.  We talked once or twice during the week, and then met for dinner on St. Patty's day "in the middle."  We had tapas at this great place in Burlingame - super YUM food, and of course, great company.  He walked me to my car, and we kissed a little (ok, a lot - after all it had been about 2 weeks since we really kissed) in the parking lot before deciding to go back to his place for a little more private time.  A few shenanigans ensued, and I unexpectedly ended up staying there.  I got up early on Friday morning and drove home with a very large smile on my face (but not for the reasons you might be thinking...)  He called me Friday evening right before he left town.  Then, he called to say Hi on Tuesday, and to check in about our plans for that Friday.

So, a little background about our Friday plans he was checking on... About 2 weeks prior to this, I invited him to join me and my cousin at the San Francisco Ballet.  Me, my cousin, and a great friend get season tickets each year.  Sometimes one of us can't make a performance, so we then ask another friend to join us.  Molecule mentioned that he'd never been to the ballet, so I asked him if he'd like to check it out.  I think I said something like, "so, it is totally ok to say no, and no pressure at all, but I have an extra ticket to the ballet on the 25th and wanted to know if you were interested in coming with us."  He said that, yes, he'd like to check it out, and would pencil it in.  I took this to mean that he would let me know if he was a confirmed yes.  The following week he asked, "so, do I have to wear a suit to the ballet?"  I replied, "Oh, so you are coming?"  He said, "I thought I said yes."  I said, "I thought you were a tentative, because you said you'd pencil it in."  He said, "Oh, well, I do want to go."  I said, "Great!  I'm excited that you are coming.  And, no you don't need to wear a suit."  So, he was coming with me to the ballet!!!

So, fast forward to March 25th.  My cousin and I met for dinner, then walked over to the theater.  Molecule was invited to join us for dinner, but wasn't able to get up to SF in time, so elected just to meet us at the ballet.  My cousin went into the theater through the side door, and I walked around to the Van Ness entrance where Molecule was waiting.  He gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, grabbed my hand, and then we walked into the theater.  Of course, he held the door for me, and let me walk in first.  We got our programs, and went to our seats.  He was looking around at all of the amazing details in the theater - it really is beautiful.  We go to our seats, took off our coats.  I commented that I thought he looked nice, and he said that I looked great too.  We sat down, I introduced him to my cousin, and we chatted for a few minutes until the performance started.  When it began, I leaned over for a little kiss, then he grabbed my hand and held it for the entire performance!  So sweet!  He hadn't noticed earlier that I was wearing fishnet stockings...  When he grabbed my hand, he was resting his hand on my knee.  He must have felt the stockings, because he let go of my hand, ran his hand down my leg, re-grabbed my hand, then whispered in my ear that he really liked my outfit (black silk tank top, black pencil skirt, black fishnets, black & silver mary-jane heels, a fitted gray cardigan, and a sparkly necklace)!  We chatted during each of the intermissions, stole a few little kisses, and it seemed like he was having a really nice time, as was I.

After the performance, he drove me home, and we hung out and made out for a while at my place.  Around 1:30am, he tucked me in and drove home...  Man, I wanted him to stay over.  He wanted me to get some "real sleep" because I had a stair-climbing race the following day (Saturday).  He didn't want me to be slow because of a lack of sleep.  So, Molecule tucked me in, turned off the light, gave me a kiss good night, went to the hall to put his shoes on, came back into my room, kissed me again, wished me luck for my race, told me to call him when I finished, and let himself out!  He texted when he got home, and wished me luck again, and said thanks for a great night!!!

I finished my race, not quite faster than last year's time...  This was kind of a unique race - climbing 1197 stairs (52 floors) and fundraising for the American Lung Association.  My goal was to finish in under 15 minutes - I didn't quite make it, but managed a 15 min and 54 second ascent!  I called him when I got home, he congratulated me, and then we talked for a few minutes.

As with each prior date, each subsequent date gives me a happy smile afterward, and Molecule continues to earn those valuable date points for gentlemanly behavior, following through, and genuinely being a pretty great and multi-faceted person.  He still always makes me laugh, always asks how I am, and I always have a fantastic time when we are together.  I also make him laugh, ask how he is, and hopefully he is having as good a time with me as I am having with him.  Conversation flows, there is good chemistry, and we always have a wonderful time together (I hope he feels the same way).

So, here's to more fabulous dates, big smiles, and good times on this Molecular adventure!!!

Until next time...

Some more on-line dating etiquette: part 2

I wrote one post already on some of my thoughts on on-line dating etiquette (click here to read).  I'd like to share a few more thoughts...

J from San Francisco sent me something called an "ice breaker" - it is a way to say "hi" without beginning the formal eHarmony communication process.  I reviewed his profile, and was somewhat intrigued.  When you receive an ice breaker, you can send another one back, or initiate communication.  So, I sent him the initial 5 multiple-choice questions to begin the formal process.  He answered the questions, and sent me 5 questions.  I responded, and then sent my 10 must haves, and 10 can't stands.  These are statements about what you are looking for in a match.  For example, a few of mine are:

• "I must have a partner who enjoys people and is generous with his or her compassion, attention, sympathies and love."
• "I must have a partner who is honest and strong enough to do the right thing."
• "I can't stand someone who is always late"
• "I can't stand someone who is obnoxiously cocky.

He then sent me his 10 must haves and can't stands.  Then we did the dance with the short-answer questions, and then finally got to the email stage.

He sent me the following email:

HI--how are you? I wanted to open up dialogue and take a peek further into who you are. I must say, there is something very intangible about you that I leads me to want to get to know u better. Do you have green eyes? The pictures are difficult to tell...  Also, I prefer to always open up the dialogue with an open question, that I can also answer. So here goes, what's your biggest pet peeves about guys?  For me, the biggest pet peeves for girls are when a girl creates drama, is overly 'catty', or when she compares what her friends' boyfriends give them to the love she gets from her boyfriend. Thats very annoying.  Looking forward to hearing from you. 

I responded the next day with:

HI J,  Thanks for your note! I'm doing well this non-rainy Sunday. How about you?  Your email peaked my interest. What do you think about me is intangible? I have hazel eyes - some days they are more green and some days they are more brown. I've found that it depends a little on my mood, what I'm wearing, and the light I'm in...  My biggest pet peeve about guys (or anyone) is non-responsiveness. (I wrote more, but won't bore you with it here).

He responded later that day with "Did you get my previous response? I wrote it while on my phone but have no idea if it showed up--I don't like eharmony's email system btw. I responded with my thoughts on your response,which were very thoughtful."

I let him know his "previous" response didn't come through.  Then 5 days go by and nothing.  We corresponded 2 more times, he asked for my personal email address, I provided it, and still nada.  I can see that he's looked at my profile several times since the last correspondence, but still nada.  Guess what J, I've closed you out.

I had a similar experience with another guy, R from San Carlos.  He initiated communication with me.  We went through the whole guided communication process.  Got to the email stage.  Exchanged a few notes.  He seemed to always take 3-4 days to respond.  We exchanged personal email addresses.  I sent him a note to his personal email.  He responded 4 days later, and asked if I would like to meet in person and asked for my phone number.  I said, yes, I'd be up for meeting, and provided my number.  About 4 days later he responded and said he'd "try" to give me a ring that night.  Two weeks passed, and no call or email.  Guess what R, you've been closed out too.

Yet another guy, H from San Ramon, did the same.  He sent an ice breaker to me.  I looked at his profile, was a little curious.  I started the communication process. Half way through, he sent a request asking to go straight to email.  I accepted.  So, he sent me an email.  No joke, this is what he sent "a cup of coffee?"  Seriously.  I responded with "Hi there H, I don't actually drink coffee or caffeine, but tea works..."  He replied with "Hi, tea sounds good."  I wrote back with:

you are a man of few words...

Tell me a little more about yourself...
* from the Bay area? If no, where are you from?
* how long have you been here?
* large family?
* pets?
* where did you go to school?
* are you doing what you love?
* what brought you to the bay area?
* hobbies?
* chocolate, vanilla, or mint-n-chip?
* favorite vacation spot?

No response.  Nada.  Zilch.

Ok, so, am I missing something here?  You initiate communication with a person.  You ask that person out (or mostly ask that person out), and then nothing?  Correct me if I'm wrong here, but on-line dating, or any type of dating for that matter, usually involves a date, right?  Especially if you've asked a person out to meet in person.

I get it that sometimes life can get in the way.  We get busy.  Things come up.  You may lose interest.  Ok.  All normal things that can and do happen to everyone.  I guess, going back to my first etiquette post - just be an adult and follow-up and if you don't want to meet and you want to rescind your offer of a date, just say so.  It's not that hard or scary.  You can do it in email.  No actual conversation needs to take place.  A simple note that says "I don't think this is a good match, good luck."  Or "I've met someone else and want to pursue that.  Good luck."  Or "Upon further contemplation, I'm not sure I do want to meet in person, good luck."  Whatever, just say something.  Treat people the way you'd like to be treated.  If you like non-responsiveness, the inability to follow-through, or not being dependable, then I don't think I want to know you anyway.  Good luck in YOUR search.

Until next time...

A little Irish History

Adventure tale #5

In the spirit of St. Patrick's day, I thought I'd share my Irish history.

I met Irish (obviously not his real name) on eHarmony in February 2010, part-way through the Chef catastrophe (click here to read about Chef if you haven't already).  Chef told me that I could date other people while he was overly busy with his fraudulent restaurant empire, and that he knew he would "win me back."  So, somewhat reluctantly at first, I continued perusing my eHarmony matches, and reached out to several.  One of those matches was Irish.  Irish was about 3 years older than me, lived about 5 minutes away from me, and ran his own financial consulting and investing business.

We went through the eHarmony guided communication process pretty quickly, and once we reached the email stage, we exchanged a few texts while trying to find a time when we could meet.  We had tentative plans a few times but had to reschedule due to flight delays, flus, other plans, etc.  Finally, we found an evening that worked for us both, and we met made plans to meet for drinks (in March).  I was quite nervous to be going out on a date when I was otherwise somewhat delusionally involved with someone else.  My sister, Sugarcoat, hounded me and hounded me not to put all of my eggs in Chef's basket, and to definitely go out with Irish.  My communications with him prior to meeting in person were great.  He seemed funny, interesting, and cool.  He also actually called me, texted me, and reached out to me (completely opposite of Chef who wouldn't call, wouldn't email, and wouldn't make plans with me.)  The night that I was set to meet Irish for a drink, I was talking with my sister and bemoaning the fact that I hadn't heard from Chef in a few days, and was kind of sad about that.  She basically yelled at me (from a place of love though) and told me to forget about Chef for one night at a minimum, and let myself have fun with Irish.  So, off to my date I went.

I met Irish at a bar on West Portal.  He was definitely cuter in person than in his pictures.  He was funny, the conversation flowed really well, and I had a great time.  I even forgot a little about Chef.  Two drinks and 3 hours later, we decided to call it a night - it was a "school" night after all, and we both had to work in the morning.  So, he walked me to my car, gave me a hug and a kiss on my cheek, and said he'd talk to me soon.

About 20 minutes later, I got a text from him.  Here is our exchange:

Irish:  "I really enjoyed meeting you. Would you be up for getting together again soon?"

Me: "Hey Irish - it was great to meet you too!  I would definitely be up for getting together again!"

Irish: "Maybe Sunday night we could grab dinner? Thoughts?"

Me: "Sunday sounds great.  Thoughts on a place / type of food?"

Irish: "Do you like Sushi? Ever been to Koo on Irving?"

Me: "LOVE sushi!  Koo - I've been there once and it didn't disappoint.  Just let me know what time."

Irish: "Thinking 7? Does that work? Btw- Spring forward on Sat night. Love it- the sun will be out later"

Me: "7 works great.  Can't believe we are springing fwd so early... BTW-bummed because my hair appt just got cancelled. Saves me a trip downtown in the rain though."

Irish: "Oh no- I'm to be subjected to the same hair as yesterday? ;)"

Me: "Sorry to disappoint. I will wear different shoes then..."

Irish: "But I love the ruby slippers!"  (note here - I wore red patent leather wedges on our first date - he even remarked about them on the date.  What guy notices shoes?  It made me smile.)

Me: "Me too!  Be honored that you were the first to see them."

The day before our dinner date he asked it I wanted to meet him at the restaurant, or if I would like him to pick me up.  I agreed for him to pick me up, and he was right on time.  We drove down to the restaurant.  He opened the car door for me, opened the restaurant door for me, etc.  He even made a reservation!  So, we have dinner - food was great, conversation was great, the whole evening was great.  He picks up the tab (I offered to pay my part, he declined the offer).  He drove me home.  We talked for a few minutes in the car, then he got out, opened my door, helped me out of the seat, and we hugged, and kissed a little.

After he left, I texted him: "Thanks for a nice evening and a yummy dinner!"

Irish: "You're welcome! I especially liked the kiss goodnight ;)"

We exchanged a few more texts over the next couple of days.  Then he was off to a last-minute trip to Paris.  We agreed that we'd get together when he got back.  We had tentative plans for the Friday after he returned.  I needed it to be an early night because of a stair-climbing race I was doing the next day.  As it turned out he had some friends in town and they were going to go out on the town that night.  So, we rescheduled for lunch after my race on Saturday.  He picked me up, and we went for lunch at Park Chow.  It was a beautiful, sunny, warm day.  So, after lunch, we went down to Ocean Beach, and walked along the beach.  Where we stopped to turn around, he basically grabbed me and kissed me!  It was pretty awesome!  We kissed a little, then turned around and went back to his car.  As he was driving me home, I mentioned that I wanted to see his place.  So, we stopped by there on the way home.  He showed me around (it was really great).  It was funny, because he barely stood near me while we were there.  I was a little curious about that, but let it go.  So, he drops me off at home, and we ended up making out like teenagers in his car in front of my apartment.  It was pretty comical now that I look back on it.  

I texted him a little later that day, "Thanks for the kisses today (and for lunch too). I had a great time." 

Irish responded: "Absolutely! It was everything I could do to not touch you inappropriately but I think I did well ;) see you soon." (guess he didn't think he could resist temptation by being too near me in his own house...)

I was traveling the next week for work, so we agreed to get together again when I got home.  We exchanged a few short texts when I was gone.

When I returned from my trip, I called him, got his VM, and left a message basically saying I was home, and asked if he would like to get together soon.  He texted me back 2 or 3 days later saying he was out of town, but home the next day and would call me.  He never did.  Ever.

So, I thought that Irish was history.  I was a little miffed at what happened.  We had a great time together, good conversation, good chemistry, etc.  But poof - he disappeared off the face of the planet.  When wondering aloud with some girlfriends what happened to him, my friend Sparkles said that when guys disappear, she likes to imagine that they died.  That way she doesn't have to wonder why they aren't responding - they can't because they are dead.  That gave me quite a laugh...

So, fast forward a few months (from April to July).  I was at the Blackthorn Tavern at the celebration for the new owners with my friend Mix, and in walks Irish.  Mix and I were sitting at the back of the bar, and I saw him immediately when he walked in...  I was kind of freaking out - what do I do, what do I say...  He saw me too, and walked right over to say hi.  We ended up talking for about 2 hours.  I asked him what happened, and why he disappeared.  He told me he got busy, his brother's son had an accident, his mother had double hip or knee replacement or something, and he really really meant to call me but when more and more time passed, he felt he couldn't reach out for fear of looking like an asshole.  I basically told him he already looked like an asshole because he disappeared without a word at all...  Well, we talked a little more, and then he walked me to my car.  He said that he was actually hoping to run into me that night, and that we should get together again soon.  I said that I would like that...  We ended up making out on Judah Street for a few minutes before I drove home.

Well, surprise surprise, I didn't really hear from him again for the plans we made for the next week.  Like the glutton for punishment that I am sometimes (ok, a lot of the time), I texted him the following week when I was in So Cal with my family.  We exchanged a few texts and made plans for when I got back.  Big shocker, he didn't call me or text me with the place or time to meet.  I didn't text him to ask what the issue was.  Poof, Irish was history.  Again.

Fast forward to this January.  Chef is fully out of the picture.  Things with District ended (I have yet to share that adventure), and I was hanging out with friends, back on eHarmony perusing matches.  I kind of kept wondering what happened to Irish.  He was a cool guy, good conversation, great chemistry.  But he kept disappearing.  Well, again the glutton for punishment I am, I decided to text him to say hi and ask how he was doing.  He responded and we had a frenzied text exchange that ended with me calling him so we could end the rapid-fire back and forth texts.  It was a Friday night.  He asked me out for a drink that night.  I agreed to go.  He picked me up, we went to a pub and caught up.  We had a great time.

He drives me home, and big shocker, made out in my driveway (we never had a shortage of chemistry).  We made plans for that Sunday.  So, Sunday arrives, I text him, and he responds back that he isn't feeling well (read - hung over from wine tasting in Napa the day before) and that he wants to get together mid-week.  I say fine and hydrate and rest.  So, I hadn't heard him come Wednesday, and was going to text him that evening.  He beat me to it.

Irish: "Hey- wanted to let you know I'm likely to disappear again. It's not you but I'm just not feeling I have what it takes to be in a relationship. I didn't want to lead you on and have us get too physical if I wasn't going to be there in the end.  I know we could be good friends at some point but I know we are both not really looking for friends at this time. I wish you only the best."

Um, ok.  At least he didn't disappear without a trace again.

Moral of the story - if someone disappears once, that sucks.  If they disappear twice, that sucks more, and is indicative of a pattern of behavior that will most likely be repeated again.  If they disappear three times, I'm the fool for finding them again and should have expected it.  But hey, it makes for a good Irish history lesson, right?

Happy St. Patrick's day.  Enjoy your Guinness, wearing green, and everything Irish.  But, be safe and don't drive drunk!

Until next time...

Bottomless Sundays - wheeeee!

The following adventure doesn't belong to me.  I am writing about it on behalf of a good friend who I will refer to as Project Manager (or PM).  PM is a single 30-something girl living in San Francisco.  She earns this pseudonym because she does project management stuff for work, and within our group of friends, she's the "planner".  One time she project managed an outing from her iPhone during a drive from Southern California back to SF.  She wasn't even in the City, yet she was connecting and coordinating various friends to meet up for Sunday Football Funday bottomless mimosas at the Republic prior to meeting us all a little later for drinks and dinner.  She's had her share of dating adventures, and this is the first of several I hope to have her permission to write about.  This adventure is fitting for today because it is Sunday, and the funniest part of this story happened on a Sunday.

So, for most of us adults, Bottomless Sundays means generally bottomless drinks - bloody marys, mimosas, beers, etc. - something alcoholic and never ending.  In this dating adventure it means something else entirely.

Project Manager was at Momo's last July to see the fireworks at a Giant's game.  She and her friends didn't have tickets to the game, so they hung out at Momo's during the game-day madness.  PM met a guy there and talked with him for a while.  He asked her for her number and she obliged.  Shortly after they parted ways that evening, he texted her to tell her it was a pleasure to meet her and that he was looking forward to going out with her.

Soon after they met at Momo's, they had a date in the East Bay.  PM said it was a great date - they had dinner, great conversation, and an overall wonderful time.  He asked PM if she wanted to do something the following week, and she agreed.  She was pretty busy that week entertaining some co-workers who were in town.  She wasn't able to meet up during the week, but was able to make it work for Sunday.  She let the guy know that she had to tour around the City with the co-workers, but would come out to his place when she was done.  So, once she made it out to his place, the adventure really began.

She arrives, gets out of her car, walks up to his door, rings the bell.  Guy answers the door in nothing but a Raider's jersey.  Literally, nothing else.  BOTTOMLESS SUNDAY!  Really, the twigs and berries were poking out of the bottom of his jersey.  He did forewarn PM that Sundays at his house are always bottomless.  She assumed this meant bottomless alcohol, not a bottomless man.

PM was literally in shock.  She came in and they sat down on his couch.  He asked her if she wanted anything, she declined.  Going through her mind were thoughts such as - his bare ass is on his couch; he's not wearing any pants; what the F am I doing here, etc., etc.  He must of picked up on her discomfort because he asked her if she was uncomfortable or something.  PM told the guy that he should probably go put some pants on.  So, he comes back out with pants on, but shirt off.  At that point PM literally got up and left.

I mean, seriously, does that work?  Do people really answer their doors on the 2nd date with no pants on?  Really?  When PM first told me the story of Bottomless Sundays, I was first in shock, and then couldn't stop laughing.  Really gives a different meaning to the phrase Bottomless Sundays - don't think I will ever not be reminded of this dating adventure when I'm partaking in a bottomless Sunday of mimosas or bellinis.

Note to any guys who are reading this - don't answer the door without pants on.  There is a time and a place for no-pants-ness, but a 2nd date isn't it.  Keep your pants on until a more appropriate time for them to come off.  Thanks!

Project Manager - thanks for your permission to share your story.  It certainly is a good one.

Until next time!