Not a fan of Cigars

Adventure tale #10

So, I met Cigar on eHarmony.  He was 4 years older than me, a partner in a cigar bar, tall, tattoos, surfs, seemed cool.  We went through the guided communication process pretty quickly, and got to the email exchange.  After about 3 emails through eHarmony, we moved to using our personal emails.

The first few emails were pretty good.  He wrote mostly complete sentences, and used mostly correct spelling and grammar.  He seemed pretty interesting.  On his email address from his personal account, his full name showed, so I admit, I plugged the email address and his name into Facebook to see what, if anything, was there.  After the Chef debacle, I try to verify the people I potentially might go on a date with.  His email address brought up the page for the bar that he is a partner in.  I perused some of that page and then plugged in his name which brought up his own page.  Interesting person.  Uses a lot of profanity.  I use some too (who doesn't), but usually in a less public manner.  You know, employers and potential employers may do what I do and stalk potential hires on the internet, so I tend to be a little careful about what I post and the words I use.  I digress.  Back to Cigar.

So, he seemed interesting, and I was enjoying our email exchanges so far.  Each time I received and email and responded, it generally took him at least 3 days to respond.  I thought this a little peculiar given that Cigar has an iPhone, a computer, an internet connection.  Why the delays in responding?  OK, I have to admit that sometimes it takes me a few days to respond to emails too when I'm busy, but I guess if you are in a situation where you are trying to go on a date with someone, you might want to be a little more responsive.  That's just my opinion.

For example, Cigar wrote in one of our emails:

...So are you wondering what type of hours I keep as a bar owner, I bet you'd be suprised to know that I don't work nights and have weekends off, maybe you wouldn't but most think that anyone associated with a bar is all nights and weekends. I actually only work 4 days a week, which is still a little disconcerting being a workaholic.

Ok I could go on and on and on, but I want to spare your eyes, ( anybody told you, you have beautiful eyes?), would you like to exchange numbers and take it live? I'd like to but am cool with your timing, so let me know.

I responded and said that it would be nice to chat and gave him my number.  Guess what?  No call.  He responded to my email (you guessed it) 3 days later - it was a Monday.  He wrote a lengthy email (I was somewhat impressed), and answered one of my questions about what he does on his 3 days off every week.  He told me:

No real structure on days off, just me and friends time I guess. I'm off on Tuesdays which I like to spend for the most part doing lunch with friends, of course surfing is always, always on the ready if it's firing... Lately though I'm really trying to do things that I don't normally have an interest in doing, you know, like going to museums or even just walking and looking at things, probably sounds stupid, but I realize I'm getting older and more set in my ways and I'm not sure if I'm satisfied with just those ways...

I forget if you live here in SF and am quite honestly to lazy right now to look it up on evilharmony. I'm carless so the city would be best although I could do BART, like I said I'm off evenings so if you'd like to meet after six for a cocktail and a chat then let's plan something, if you've got time for lunch I'm free this Tuesday.  Let me know what you think.

Because it was Monday, and he was asking me out for the next day, I responded pretty quickly that day.  I told him I was busy for lunch on Tuesday, but that I could meet later that afternoon, and also gave him a few other options of when I was available.  Guess what?  No response.  He emailed me again on Thursday:

I'm forcing myself to take some time to reach out, not because there's some resistance, but I'm letting myself get busy and neglecting myself and friends all at the same time. Seriously, I wish there was like an extra pocket of time I could disappear too where nobody would know I'm gone but where I could operate out of the constraints of my schedule or whatever you want to call it.

Ok, Cigar.  You work 4 days a week, no nights...  What are you so busy with?  Surfing?  Drinking whiskey?  Smoking cigars?  Inquiring minds want to know...

His email continued with:

Ok time to climb out of the pocket and organize my day. It's funny because you live pretty close and it seems like you're a city away, so just thinking about how hectic we both seem right now, it's really easy for me to get over to your neighborhood and could meet you for a coffee before I go into the bar ( my customers can wait, if I'm late). Just trying to be pro-active in setting up a time to meet you, and like I said it seems like we're both crazy busy right now. Let me know what you think.

I responded that same day and and gave him a few days where I had availability to meet up.  Guess what?  He didn't respond for 8 days this time...

Finally time enough for a quick note. Between having a full scale battle with comcast (internet) and my crazy ass bar I have become a total recluse. I'm hoping you haven't given up on me and that maybe just maybe you've been as crazy as me. Would you care to try a redo and a possible meet?

I responded about a week later (2 can play this game, yes dating is a game) with a few more days I was available to meet...  Guess what?  I bet you can guess what...  No response.  For 15 days.  I said sayonara to Cigar.  Closed him out on eHarmony.  Ciao.  Goodbye.

The irony here?  Directly in his eHarmony profile, he answered "the most important thing I am looking for in a person is" question with - this is directly from his profile:

Reliability: You know hard things like following through with what you say you're going to do, that sort of stuff. Integrity is a hard trait to sum up but flakiness is the antithesis of integrity and if you're unreliable then you're flakey and that ain't no good.

Cigar, you need to practice what you preach.  Big time.

Having these adventures with guys and talking with friends who are having similar adventures really makes me wonder.  If a guy really wants to meet you, what's the hold up?  Granted, if a person really isn't interested, they usually cease contact.  But, at least for a time, Cigar kept emailing.  Granted, it was a little sporadic, but he kept coming back for more.  So, why the hesitancy to actually commit to a date and time?  Ding ding ding - commitment-phobe.  When you see it in writing, and can actually look back on it, you see patterns.  Suggest a day to meet, then don't respond.  Somewhat still interested.  Suggest another day, then don't respond.  Still, somewhat interested.  Suggest something vague, then don't respond.

Well, guess what Cigar?  I see your pattern.  If this is your modus operandi BEFORE we even spoke on the phone or met in person, I don't think I want to meet you at all.  Patterns tend not to change much.  I don't want to date a person who can't even make a date.

And, cigars are bad for you.  I like my health.  Audios.

Until next time...

Hook-up - do it, no way, or somewhere in between?

Adventure tale-ish #8 and #9

So, the hook-up.  Do it?  No way?  Or are you somewhere in between?  For a very long time I was on the "no way" train.  Hook-up with a random guy?  Not for me.  I've had countless discussions about this over the years with Sugar Coat (my sister).

I had sex for the first time when I was 20 or 21 - a little bit of a late bloomer.  I was with the guy I'll call Pager for a little over a year.  I was head over heels for him.  He was a lot less so for me.  I remember during one heated conversation with him he said something along the lines of "if I feel that you fall in love with me, I'm going to walk away.  I don't want a girlfriend, and I don't want to be in love."  Delusional, glutton for punishment me took this as a challenge, and I thought to myself "ooohhh - I can make him fall in love with me."  WRONG.  WRONG.  WRONG.  I should have walked away.  Of course I didn't.  I mean, who walks away from a challenge?  What I would have done for my sister to have been old and wise enough to say, "He's a loser.  He's not in to you.  Walk away."  Or to be experienced enough to see all of the numerous red flags myself and be strong enough to walk away on my own.  Oh well, we all need these "learning" experiences, right?

So, after things ended with Pager (short version - I moved to SF to go to college.  He said he'd never come visit me here.  So, that pretty much ended it), my sex life was a tad dry.  Around 4 years dry.  In college, I met a guy I'll call JR.  He was amazing - super cute, smart, athletic, and intelligent.  We had several classes together and would study, discuss our readings, and go over our papers and exams together.  I remember discussing Eric Foner's A Short History of Reconstruction.  Good stuff.  JR was kind of getting it on with a friend of mine, but that was somewhat short-lived.  He and I often had late-night conversations about all kinds of random stuff, and sometimes they would come to the topic of sex.  Until then, I had only been with one person.  I felt that sex should "mean something" and be with the person you love.  Since I had no one at that time who meant anything to me and wasn't in love, I wasn't having sex.  He maybe took that as a challenge and didn't walk away.  He said a few times that he wanted me to not be afraid of sex, not be afraid to feel good, and to experience it with someone else.  In one conversation that I wrote about in my old journal, the topic turned to sex.  I finally found the courage to ask him a question that I really had been wondering about for a long while.  I wrote this:

... Then he kept on talking to me and telling me to be honest.  Eventually I said, "you once asked me that if you didn't have a girlfriend, if you would have a chance and I told you yes.  Well, same question to you."  He said, "Damn!  Yes - I find you very attractive."  So that made me feel good...

After several such conversations, and who knows how long, one night - it was my birthday in 1997 - he called to wish me happy birthday.  It was late at night, close to 2am.  It was freezing that night.  He asked what I was doing.  I told him I was in bed under a lot of blankets shivering my ass off.  For some reason, I think I asked him to come over.  To my surprise, he did.  A brief synopsis directly from my journal:

He came in [my apartment / room] and got in bed with me.  We were just laying there.  Then we were facing each other and he was rubbing his face on mine and we started kissing and kissing and kissing.  It was rad.  My shirt and his shirt were off...  Then he spent the night.

I distinctly remember that night.  He rode his motorcycle over.  I was so nervous that one of my roommates would wake up.  He came in carrying his helmet and wearing this big black leather jacket.  Totally hot.  No sex that night, but I remember really enjoying myself nonetheless.  But also feeling strange that I felt so good doing things with someone whom I wasn't in love with and wasn't in a relationship with.

About a month after our first sexual encounter, we continued our friendship and conversations.  Somehow he ended up coming over the day before Thanksgiving.  We watched TV, talked, and then eventually kind of went to sleep.  I wrote in my journal:

... I turned over to go to bed.  Then he spooned me and put his hand under my shirt and on my stomach and I lost it.  We started kissing, he pulled my pants off, I pulled his shirt off.  Then he pulled his pants off and...  My god it was rad.  I can't wait for it to happen again!

Well, it actually did happen one more time and it was rad that time too.  I guess I consider this my first "one night stand" or hook-up.  Note here:  I was advised by my friend Sparkles that a one night stand is technically a hook-up with someone you met that night and NEVER see again.  So, I guess this wasn't really, truly, technically a one night stand.  It was more of the beginning of a friend with benefits.  Thanks Sparkles for your input!

My next hook-up came many many years later.  I was at a Christmas party at a friend's house.  I met a guy there who seemed cool, was nice, and we hit it off.  For some reason, I ended up leaving the party with him and driving him home.  We get to his place, he shows me around, then we started making out.  Clothes started coming off, and I remember him saying, "wow, I really like your ink."  (I have a few tattoos - apparently he liked them).  It seemed very comical to me because he kept saying it.  Some people have pet peeves and one of mine is calling tattoos ink.  Irks me every time.  So, we moved to the couch.  It was clear that he wanted to hook-up.  I was so nervous, I'm sure I was shaking.  I was having an internal debate with myself.  I could literally visualize a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other.  The devil wore the face of my sister (she really isn't a devil - just a lot more free than I was), and the angel was me.  My sister-devil was saying - just do it - it feels great - you deserve pleasure - don't over think it - you deserve it.  The angel-me was saying - you don't love him - you're not in a relationship with him - does he really want to do it with me or does he just want to do it.  Ugh.  Well, the sister-devil won.  I decided to just go with it.  I deserve to feel good and there is nothing wrong with that.

So, clothes came off, kissing ensued, and a relocation to the bedroom was starting to happen.  Somehow we fell down onto the ground in the hallway and stayed there.  Things happened and we were ready for the sex part.  Now, to provide the complete and comical visual - I was naked.  His shirt was off.  His shoes were still on and his pants were down around his ankles.  I ask him to get a condom.  He starts shaking his head and saying, "Fuck.  Fuck.  Fuck."  (Yes, guy, that is what we're about to do.)  I said "What?"  He said, "I don't think I have any condoms."  I said, "Well this isn't going to happen without one."  He said, "Are you sure?  I'm clean."  I said, "Doesn't matter - no condom, no go.  I don't know you, and you don't even know me - you should want to use one."  He said, "If I can scrounge one up will that work?"  I said, "Not if it is some crusty, old, expired condom."  He said, "Do you really need one?"  I said, "Absolutely, yes."  He starts rolling and writhing around on the ground, pants around ankles, muttering to himself while shaking his head, "Fuck, fuck, fuck."  I took that as my cue to leave.  I rolled him off of me, put on my clothes, and pretty much ran out of his apartment laughing to myself.  In this (or that) day and age, what single person doesn't have condoms?  I was amazed.

On my drive home, I called my sister and said "Guess what?  I almost had sex!"  I told her what happened, we laughed uncontrollably about it, and she said she was proud of me for allowing myself to be pleasured even though it didn't go all the way!  Thinking about that night still makes me laugh - it was so comical.  I guess this one based on the prior clarified definition thanks to Sparkles is mostly, really a one-night stand - except not 100% because we didn't actually have sex... 

Over the years, the concept of the hook-up has become something less scary.  I mean, who doesn't like to feel good?  If someone is out there who is willing to help you feel good (in a safe way), why not?  As long as everyone involved is on the same page, are consenting adults, has equal expectations, just go with it.  Feel good.  Feel amazing.  Just don't feel bad about feeling good.  I'll address this some more in future posts, I'm sure.  I've got a few comical stories about other brief encounters.  And, I know my friends do too - I'll be hitting you up for some of them to share here too!

I'll leave you with this...  Feel good.  Be safe.  Not mutually independent things.  Put them together - like ice cream & chocolate sauce, peanut butter & jelly, orange juice & champagne.  Sex and condoms.  Yes, please, and thank you.

 

 Until next time!  Stay classy (and safe)!

Watch out for Red-light runners

Adventure tale #7

I met Red-Light Runner (RLR) on eHarmony in September 2010.  September was somewhat of a tumultuous month for me.  I had to move out of the apartment where I had lived for almost 16 years.  So, on top of a hectic work schedule, having to sort, toss, and pack 16 years worth of my life, and move, I was also still trying to date.

RLR lived just outside SF, but lived in the City for about a year.  We went through the guided eHarmony communication process somewhat quickly, then exchanged personal email addresses.  We had several email exchanges.  On about our 3rd exchange, he asked me out for the weekend to go check out the SF Museum of Modern Art (MOMA).  To add to the tumult of September, I went to Monterey for my brother's birthday, and agreed to meet RLR on a Sunday after I got home from Monterey.  It was one of those hot SF Septembers, and I remember calling RLR on my drive back to SF from Monterey.  I think I called him at around 12pm-ish.  I actually woke him up.  I let him know I'd be back in SF around 2:30 or 3, and could head out to the museum around then.  He asked if I wanted to meet him at the museum or if I would like him to pick me up.  I decided to let him pick me up, so I texted him my address.  He actually asked for directions...  That struck me as a little strange.  I was thinking, "why can't he just look it up on google maps or something?"  I told him that I didn't really know where he was coming from, so it would probably be best if he just googled it.

So, I made it home, changed my clothes (put on a cute black dress, flip flops, grabbed a purple cardigan, and a denim jacked just in case it got cool that night), and waited for RLR to show up.  About 15 mins after he was supposed to pick me up, he texted and said he got a little lost and would be to my place in about 5 mins.  I remember thinking, "he got lost?  Didn't he say he lived near me for a while?  Random."  So, he gets to my place, rings the doorbell.  I go down, he gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, opens the car door for me, and helps me into his car.  He was kind of visibly nervous.  He was also sweating - it was probably around 85 or 90 degrees and he was wearing a long-sleeved shirt, jeans, and dressy-ish shoes.  If it is 85 or 90 in SF, that means it is warmer elsehwhere in the bay area, especially where he lived.  I remember thinking why is he wearing a long-sleeved shirt, it is hot outside.  I also thought he was cute and a little short.  I do prefer dating guys who are taller than me, but height isn't a complete deal breaker.  Whatever.  So, I get in the car and we begin our journey to the SF MOMA.  He didn't really know how to get there, so I directed him.  We parked, walked over to the museum, and began our foray into the world of modern art.  It was actually kind of fun - we walked around, talked about the various pieces of art we saw, and had a nice time.  After about 3 hours or so in the museum, we were both pretty much ready to get out of there, and we were both hungry.

We left the museum and were talking about where to go for dinner.  I suggested several places within walking distance of the museum, but he didn't seem receptive to them.  He said that he had marked some places in his other phone that was in the car.  Yes, RLR had 2 cell phones.  I thought it was a little strange.  Granted, I have 2 cell phones too - 1 is my personal phone, and 1 is my work phone.  But his 2 phones were both personal phones...  He used one primarily for navigation and web-browsing, and the other for phone calls.  In this day and age, isn't one smartphone sufficient?  Who knows.  So, we went to his car, got in, and he took out the 2nd phone whose battery was dead because he forgot to turn off the navigation...  So, he's like a fish out of water, can't remember any of the places he wanted to try for dinner, and was really nervous and flustered about it...  I suggested a few different places in the Mission, and we finally agreed on Luna Park.

He doesn't know how to get there, so I directed him.  As we are driving, we were talking about the museum and other stuff.  He was telling me some story about something, and when we were at around Mission Street and 14th or 15th street, he actually ran a red light - hence the nickname Red Light Runner.  THANK GOD there were no cars coming when he did that.  He didn't even notice that he had run the red.  I was kind of freaking out a little, and so thankful that we didn't get hit or hit anything.  It was getting more apparent that he was really nervous.  So, we got to Luna Park, parked in one of the public garages, and walked over to the restaurant.  Dinner was nice.  Conversation was a little strained - several awkward silences.  When the check came, I asked if I could contribute, and he said no, he'd take care of it.  Points for that.  Around 8pm or so, we had finished dinner and I was pretty much ready to go.  So, I remember saying "Are you ready to blow this popsicle stand?"  He said, "What?  I don't get it."  I said, "Are you ready to leave?"  He said, "Oh.  Yes, we can go."  So, we walked to the garage.  I paid for parking.  I direct him on how to get back to my place.  We were driving up Clipper, and he ran the 4-way stop sign at Clipper and Diamond.  Again, he had no clue that he ran a stop.  I was kind of flabbergasted.  He ran 2 stopping apparatus on our first date.  I guess he was just super, uber nervous.  I was at a loss for another alternative explanation...

He dropped me off, helped me out of the car, walked me to my gate, gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.  Said he had a great time and would I like to get together again soon?  I said I had a nice time, and that yes, I'd like to get together again.  He asked me out for the next weekend, but that was the weekend before my move, and I knew I would have a lot of packing to get through.  I asked for a rain-check for after the move, and he agreed.  He then actually asked me out via email which was a little strange.  Problem was, I didn't check email until Sunday evening, and he wanted to do something Sunday -day...  I thought it a little curious that he didn't just call me to ask me out.  Regardless, we were finding it a little difficult to make plans to hang out again.

We continued to exchange a few emails here and there, but nothing really materialized in terms of a 2nd date.  I wasn't too torn up about it because I wasn't really sure I was interested in him romantically.  He seemed to be a nice guy, but his nerves really got the best of him on our date.

A few weeks after my move, I was starting to feel more settled and available for dating again.  I emailed him to say hi and see how he was doing.  He responded about a week later, said he was well, working up a storm and pretty busy.  We continued to stay in touch every week or so via email.  Again, life got in the way of scheduling another date - I got sick, then had a business trip.  Then he was busy, etc.  We eventually fell out of touch mid-October.

Randomly, I got an email from him in January of this year.  This is his email:

Hey there, do you remember me?  It's been like years! :)  Ok, not really but it feels like it.  If you would like to hang out again, I'm up for it.  I get so involved in my work, my personal projects, and my hobbies, that time just flies by - I apologize for not responding, even giving you a call (oh my gosh!).  And I hope you don't think of me as a yuppie, cause I would do what I do for free - as long as I had shelter and food :)  The last month I've been wanting to check out some Karaoke places, but my friends don't really do that (well, maybe if they were plastered).  I think I told you I'm a secret Eagles fan, and people have told me I can sing.  I wouldn't mind doing some Van Halen too :)  Anyway, hope you had a great new year at your new place?  Does it still feel new?
Cheers!

 I couldn't completely tell if it was a spam email or a real email.  The line about me thinking him a yuppie because he'd do what he does for free was random and kind of had me thinking it was spam.  But then he made reference to my new place and how it was feeling.  A spammer wouldn't know I had moved recently (or hopefully they wouldn't know that).  I responded to him with:

Hi,

Happy New Year!  Yes, I remember you.  Technically it has been a year, although not a calendar year...  Thanks for your note!  Do anything fun and/or exciting for New Years and the holidays?  I was with my family for about a week for Christmas, and then spent New Year's up here with friends.  I was also in Monterey with my brother and his wife & kids for Turkey day.  It's been fun.  Today was my first day back at work.  I had the last 2 weeks of the year off for vacation.  Totally didn't want to go back to work today, but alas, I need a paycheck!  Apartment is pretty much "there" though I still have some creative storage solutions to come up with, and some more stuff to donate to Goodwill.  I find that I have 2 VCRs - who even uses them anymore?  I'm keeping one, but need to get rid of the other, and somehow figure out how to transfer the few things I have left on tape to digital and I can get rid of the other VCR altogether!  Yeay!  How is work for you?  Photography?  Karaoke, eh?  I'm not a big singer myself, but would watch you sing!  Ha ha ha.  Let me know what your schedule looks like and we can make some plans!

Ciao!

I never heard back from him...  Very strange.  I guess my lesson learned here - if a guy runs a red light and a stop-sign on a first date, maybe that is fate's way of intervening - telling you to stop?  Who knows.

Moral of this story - don't run red lights or stop signs.  It is illegal and can be very dangerous.

Until next time!