Not a fan of Cigars

Adventure tale #10

So, I met Cigar on eHarmony.  He was 4 years older than me, a partner in a cigar bar, tall, tattoos, surfs, seemed cool.  We went through the guided communication process pretty quickly, and got to the email exchange.  After about 3 emails through eHarmony, we moved to using our personal emails.

The first few emails were pretty good.  He wrote mostly complete sentences, and used mostly correct spelling and grammar.  He seemed pretty interesting.  On his email address from his personal account, his full name showed, so I admit, I plugged the email address and his name into Facebook to see what, if anything, was there.  After the Chef debacle, I try to verify the people I potentially might go on a date with.  His email address brought up the page for the bar that he is a partner in.  I perused some of that page and then plugged in his name which brought up his own page.  Interesting person.  Uses a lot of profanity.  I use some too (who doesn't), but usually in a less public manner.  You know, employers and potential employers may do what I do and stalk potential hires on the internet, so I tend to be a little careful about what I post and the words I use.  I digress.  Back to Cigar.

So, he seemed interesting, and I was enjoying our email exchanges so far.  Each time I received and email and responded, it generally took him at least 3 days to respond.  I thought this a little peculiar given that Cigar has an iPhone, a computer, an internet connection.  Why the delays in responding?  OK, I have to admit that sometimes it takes me a few days to respond to emails too when I'm busy, but I guess if you are in a situation where you are trying to go on a date with someone, you might want to be a little more responsive.  That's just my opinion.

For example, Cigar wrote in one of our emails:

...So are you wondering what type of hours I keep as a bar owner, I bet you'd be suprised to know that I don't work nights and have weekends off, maybe you wouldn't but most think that anyone associated with a bar is all nights and weekends. I actually only work 4 days a week, which is still a little disconcerting being a workaholic.

Ok I could go on and on and on, but I want to spare your eyes, ( anybody told you, you have beautiful eyes?), would you like to exchange numbers and take it live? I'd like to but am cool with your timing, so let me know.

I responded and said that it would be nice to chat and gave him my number.  Guess what?  No call.  He responded to my email (you guessed it) 3 days later - it was a Monday.  He wrote a lengthy email (I was somewhat impressed), and answered one of my questions about what he does on his 3 days off every week.  He told me:

No real structure on days off, just me and friends time I guess. I'm off on Tuesdays which I like to spend for the most part doing lunch with friends, of course surfing is always, always on the ready if it's firing... Lately though I'm really trying to do things that I don't normally have an interest in doing, you know, like going to museums or even just walking and looking at things, probably sounds stupid, but I realize I'm getting older and more set in my ways and I'm not sure if I'm satisfied with just those ways...

I forget if you live here in SF and am quite honestly to lazy right now to look it up on evilharmony. I'm carless so the city would be best although I could do BART, like I said I'm off evenings so if you'd like to meet after six for a cocktail and a chat then let's plan something, if you've got time for lunch I'm free this Tuesday.  Let me know what you think.

Because it was Monday, and he was asking me out for the next day, I responded pretty quickly that day.  I told him I was busy for lunch on Tuesday, but that I could meet later that afternoon, and also gave him a few other options of when I was available.  Guess what?  No response.  He emailed me again on Thursday:

I'm forcing myself to take some time to reach out, not because there's some resistance, but I'm letting myself get busy and neglecting myself and friends all at the same time. Seriously, I wish there was like an extra pocket of time I could disappear too where nobody would know I'm gone but where I could operate out of the constraints of my schedule or whatever you want to call it.

Ok, Cigar.  You work 4 days a week, no nights...  What are you so busy with?  Surfing?  Drinking whiskey?  Smoking cigars?  Inquiring minds want to know...

His email continued with:

Ok time to climb out of the pocket and organize my day. It's funny because you live pretty close and it seems like you're a city away, so just thinking about how hectic we both seem right now, it's really easy for me to get over to your neighborhood and could meet you for a coffee before I go into the bar ( my customers can wait, if I'm late). Just trying to be pro-active in setting up a time to meet you, and like I said it seems like we're both crazy busy right now. Let me know what you think.

I responded that same day and and gave him a few days where I had availability to meet up.  Guess what?  He didn't respond for 8 days this time...

Finally time enough for a quick note. Between having a full scale battle with comcast (internet) and my crazy ass bar I have become a total recluse. I'm hoping you haven't given up on me and that maybe just maybe you've been as crazy as me. Would you care to try a redo and a possible meet?

I responded about a week later (2 can play this game, yes dating is a game) with a few more days I was available to meet...  Guess what?  I bet you can guess what...  No response.  For 15 days.  I said sayonara to Cigar.  Closed him out on eHarmony.  Ciao.  Goodbye.

The irony here?  Directly in his eHarmony profile, he answered "the most important thing I am looking for in a person is" question with - this is directly from his profile:

Reliability: You know hard things like following through with what you say you're going to do, that sort of stuff. Integrity is a hard trait to sum up but flakiness is the antithesis of integrity and if you're unreliable then you're flakey and that ain't no good.

Cigar, you need to practice what you preach.  Big time.

Having these adventures with guys and talking with friends who are having similar adventures really makes me wonder.  If a guy really wants to meet you, what's the hold up?  Granted, if a person really isn't interested, they usually cease contact.  But, at least for a time, Cigar kept emailing.  Granted, it was a little sporadic, but he kept coming back for more.  So, why the hesitancy to actually commit to a date and time?  Ding ding ding - commitment-phobe.  When you see it in writing, and can actually look back on it, you see patterns.  Suggest a day to meet, then don't respond.  Somewhat still interested.  Suggest another day, then don't respond.  Still, somewhat interested.  Suggest something vague, then don't respond.

Well, guess what Cigar?  I see your pattern.  If this is your modus operandi BEFORE we even spoke on the phone or met in person, I don't think I want to meet you at all.  Patterns tend not to change much.  I don't want to date a person who can't even make a date.

And, cigars are bad for you.  I like my health.  Audios.

Until next time...