So, the hook-up. Do it? No way? Or are you somewhere in between? For a very long time I was on the "no way" train. Hook-up with a random guy? Not for me. I've had countless discussions about this over the years with Sugar Coat (my sister).
I had sex for the first time when I was 20 or 21 - a little bit of a late bloomer. I was with the guy I'll call Pager for a little over a year. I was head over heels for him. He was a lot less so for me. I remember during one heated conversation with him he said something along the lines of "if I feel that you fall in love with me, I'm going to walk away. I don't want a girlfriend, and I don't want to be in love." Delusional, glutton for punishment me took this as a challenge, and I thought to myself "ooohhh - I can make him fall in love with me." WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. I should have walked away. Of course I didn't. I mean, who walks away from a challenge? What I would have done for my sister to have been old and wise enough to say, "He's a loser. He's not in to you. Walk away." Or to be experienced enough to see all of the numerous red flags myself and be strong enough to walk away on my own. Oh well, we all need these "learning" experiences, right?
So, after things ended with Pager (short version - I moved to SF to go to college. He said he'd never come visit me here. So, that pretty much ended it), my sex life was a tad dry. Around 4 years dry. In college, I met a guy I'll call JR. He was amazing - super cute, smart, athletic, and intelligent. We had several classes together and would study, discuss our readings, and go over our papers and exams together. I remember discussing Eric Foner's A Short History of Reconstruction. Good stuff. JR was kind of getting it on with a friend of mine, but that was somewhat short-lived. He and I often had late-night conversations about all kinds of random stuff, and sometimes they would come to the topic of sex. Until then, I had only been with one person. I felt that sex should "mean something" and be with the person you love. Since I had no one at that time who meant anything to me and wasn't in love, I wasn't having sex. He maybe took that as a challenge and didn't walk away. He said a few times that he wanted me to not be afraid of sex, not be afraid to feel good, and to experience it with someone else. In one conversation that I wrote about in my old journal, the topic turned to sex. I finally found the courage to ask him a question that I really had been wondering about for a long while. I wrote this:
... Then he kept on talking to me and telling me to be honest. Eventually I said, "you once asked me that if you didn't have a girlfriend, if you would have a chance and I told you yes. Well, same question to you." He said, "Damn! Yes - I find you very attractive." So that made me feel good...After several such conversations, and who knows how long, one night - it was my birthday in 1997 - he called to wish me happy birthday. It was late at night, close to 2am. It was freezing that night. He asked what I was doing. I told him I was in bed under a lot of blankets shivering my ass off. For some reason, I think I asked him to come over. To my surprise, he did. A brief synopsis directly from my journal:
He came in [my apartment / room] and got in bed with me. We were just laying there. Then we were facing each other and he was rubbing his face on mine and we started kissing and kissing and kissing. It was rad. My shirt and his shirt were off... Then he spent the night.I distinctly remember that night. He rode his motorcycle over. I was so nervous that one of my roommates would wake up. He came in carrying his helmet and wearing this big black leather jacket. Totally hot. No sex that night, but I remember really enjoying myself nonetheless. But also feeling strange that I felt so good doing things with someone whom I wasn't in love with and wasn't in a relationship with.
About a month after our first sexual encounter, we continued our friendship and conversations. Somehow he ended up coming over the day before Thanksgiving. We watched TV, talked, and then eventually kind of went to sleep. I wrote in my journal:
... I turned over to go to bed. Then he spooned me and put his hand under my shirt and on my stomach and I lost it. We started kissing, he pulled my pants off, I pulled his shirt off. Then he pulled his pants off and... My god it was rad. I can't wait for it to happen again!Well, it actually did happen one more time and it was rad that time too. I guess I consider this my first "one night stand" or hook-up. Note here: I was advised by my friend Sparkles that a one night stand is technically a hook-up with someone you met that night and NEVER see again. So, I guess this wasn't really, truly, technically a one night stand. It was more of the beginning of a friend with benefits. Thanks Sparkles for your input!
My next hook-up came many many years later. I was at a Christmas party at a friend's house. I met a guy there who seemed cool, was nice, and we hit it off. For some reason, I ended up leaving the party with him and driving him home. We get to his place, he shows me around, then we started making out. Clothes started coming off, and I remember him saying, "wow, I really like your ink." (I have a few tattoos - apparently he liked them). It seemed very comical to me because he kept saying it. Some people have pet peeves and one of mine is calling tattoos ink. Irks me every time. So, we moved to the couch. It was clear that he wanted to hook-up. I was so nervous, I'm sure I was shaking. I was having an internal debate with myself. I could literally visualize a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. The devil wore the face of my sister (she really isn't a devil - just a lot more free than I was), and the angel was me. My sister-devil was saying - just do it - it feels great - you deserve pleasure - don't over think it - you deserve it. The angel-me was saying - you don't love him - you're not in a relationship with him - does he really want to do it with me or does he just want to do it. Ugh. Well, the sister-devil won. I decided to just go with it. I deserve to feel good and there is nothing wrong with that.
So, clothes came off, kissing ensued, and a relocation to the bedroom was starting to happen. Somehow we fell down onto the ground in the hallway and stayed there. Things happened and we were ready for the sex part. Now, to provide the complete and comical visual - I was naked. His shirt was off. His shoes were still on and his pants were down around his ankles. I ask him to get a condom. He starts shaking his head and saying, "Fuck. Fuck. Fuck." (Yes, guy, that is what we're about to do.) I said "What?" He said, "I don't think I have any condoms." I said, "Well this isn't going to happen without one." He said, "Are you sure? I'm clean." I said, "Doesn't matter - no condom, no go. I don't know you, and you don't even know me - you should want to use one." He said, "If I can scrounge one up will that work?" I said, "Not if it is some crusty, old, expired condom." He said, "Do you really need one?" I said, "Absolutely, yes." He starts rolling and writhing around on the ground, pants around ankles, muttering to himself while shaking his head, "Fuck, fuck, fuck." I took that as my cue to leave. I rolled him off of me, put on my clothes, and pretty much ran out of his apartment laughing to myself. In this (or that) day and age, what single person doesn't have condoms? I was amazed.
Over the years, the concept of the hook-up has become something less scary. I mean, who doesn't like to feel good? If someone is out there who is willing to help you feel good (in a safe way), why not? As long as everyone involved is on the same page, are consenting adults, has equal expectations, just go with it. Feel good. Feel amazing. Just don't feel bad about feeling good. I'll address this some more in future posts, I'm sure. I've got a few comical stories about other brief encounters. And, I know my friends do too - I'll be hitting you up for some of them to share here too!
I'll leave you with this... Feel good. Be safe. Not mutually independent things. Put them together - like ice cream & chocolate sauce, peanut butter & jelly, orange juice & champagne. Sex and condoms. Yes, please, and thank you.
Until next time! Stay classy (and safe)!
No comments:
Post a Comment