Some friendly advice...

So, I have been thinking a bit about why guys (and girls) do the things they do when dating...  I'm no perfectionist or expert when it comes to dating, but I've been around the block a bit, as have my girlfriends, and guyfriends.  So, I have my own experiences to draw upon as well of the experiences of my friends.

My girlfriends tend to wonder why guys seem to be clueless, don't call (or wait too long to call), are just interested in hooking up, etc.  Some of my guyfriends feel like all women are angry bitches, other of my guyfriends think women are too high maintenance, and yet other of my guyfriends wonder why girls make such a big deal out of everything...  Lots of differing viewpoints going on.

A few weekends ago, Molecule and I were reading the Sunday paper over breakfast at his place (things are going amazing with Molecule and I, by the way).  He pointed out a column called "Male Call."  I had never heard of this column, but this particular Sunday's column was the last one for Male Call.  Male Call "answers questions from men and women on dating, relationships, etiquette, men's style and more." 

In the penultimate Male Call column (click here), the author offered a few more pieces of wisdom and also recounted some things he learned from readers.

Be straightforward.  It sounds obvious, but women aren't too keen on trying to guess why you haven't called, texted or stalked them after a whirlwind period of intense interpersonal connectivity...  This was the single, most repeated issue.  "Why did he disappear?"  So guys, just go ahead and tell them, "I'm a shallow person.  I used you for my own gratification, and now I want to move on to take advantage of someone else."  You'll feel better for it, just as soon as you've been released from the hospital.

So true.  One of the things that irks me to no end is people who aren't honest.  Yes, the truth can hurt, but I am the type of person who will wonder and wonder and wonder and drive myself somewhat insane if what I've been told doesn't make any sense, is so obviously untruthful, or if I haven't been told anything.  For me, and this may not be for everyone, I prefer to hear the truth.  If a guy didn't / doesn't want to see me anymore, I would prefer him to say, "it was nice getting to know you, but I don't think we are a good match.  Good luck in your search."  I don't need to know if he thinks I'm ugly, fat, stupid, lame, etc. (that type of truth hurts).  But disappearing without saying anything, that really hurts because it leaves you wondering, theorizing, over-analyzing, and none of those things is fun or productive.

Shortly after reading this Male Call column, a friend of mine shared a profile on Match.com of a guy she was corresponding with.  Here it is.  It follows suit with Male Calls call for honesty, but does this go too far?  Is this type of honesty productive?

I am looking for someone fun, smart, (no drama), is active, and can have fun no matter what. I am pretty easy going and can have fun no matter what. I would like to give the ladies some advice on their profiles......I am a straight shooter so please don't take this the wrong way....I just want to be honest with you so you find what you are looking for. So here it goes: 1. If you have a quote from Coco Chanel, Marilyn Monroe, or someone else no guy cares about we aren't going to be interested. 2. Your headline should be something short that catches the attention of a guy.....not some philosophical statement. 2. Curvy means just that.....not just overweight and not willing to admit it. 3. If you write back to a guy and it's close to being longer than War and Peace we are not interested. 4. If you mention an ex in the first three email...or at all when writing...adios! 5. Realize guys are visual so make sure your pictures show off the best of you.....the pic of being cross eyed will drinking a beer might be funny to your friends but to someone seeing you for the first time that is visual; we might not find it appealing. 6. If a guy doesn't respond to your email don't keep writing to him, he will definitely not go out with you....heard the term stage 5 clinger? 7. If your profile headline is Live, Love, Laugh please change it, not original at all. I will add more as I think of them.....don't mean to offend anyone with this at all......just want to be straightforward and brutally honest.......:)

Wow.  He's got some good and valid points though.  I'm just not sure his profile is the best avenue for his advice.  Yes, we do need to remember the audience / readers we are trying to attract with our dating profiles.  What you put in them should be relevant and interesting to the people we want to meet.  I agree that too long emails aren't good, but one liners aren't either.  I have actually received several "first" emails from guys that literally say "What's up?  How are you?"  Granted, that's the polar opposite to War & Peace, but there's got to be a happy medium, right? 

I also agree with this guy's thoughts on profile pics (I also have written about the importance of profile pics a few times on this blog - click here for the most recent).  You want to put your best foot (face) forward.  Note to this guy, too many shirtless pics of you while flexing might reinforce your prowess, but sometimes we think it's creepy, a little egotistic, and slightly douche-y.  The lesson here - EDIT, EDIT, EDIT.  Pick good pics, pick recent pics, pick pics that really look like YOU now - not 15 years ago.  And for guys - we like to see what you look like without a shirt, but we also want to see what you look like on a normal day (in clothing).

I also completely agree with his thoughts about guys not responding and to not keep hounding them.  I've done this, and many of you probably have too.  But, as excruciatingly difficult as it is, DO NOT KEEP REACHING OUT TO SOMEONE if they don't respond, or don't respond in a way that is obvious that they want to see you.  One text / call / email is good.  Two is mildly acceptable, but three?  No way.  If there is no sign of interest after one or two, move on.  He / She knows you are interested.  If they are too, they will respond.  I know it is hard.  I know this advice is slightly hypocritical because I've been the person that texts / calls / emails too much.  But I've learned (for now), thanks to my sister (she's a smart cookie).

I used to think that when people told me that dating should be easy and happen naturally that they were full of shit.  I mean, it wasn't easy with any of the guys I had dated.  I always seemed to put in more effort than they did.  But now that I've been with Molecule for 7 months, I honestly understand now what I was told - that dating should be easy and happen naturally.  Please don't misinterpret this.  Dating literally isn't easy.  It is work.  But the work shouldn't (and doesn't) seem like work.  It is work that is enjoyable, that you look forward to doing, and reaping the benefits of.  And, it is mutual.  Both people like the company of the other, like spending time with the other, and therefore take steps to be able to do those things.

If you are stuck in the dating juggernaut, keep at it.  It is work, and often challenging, demoralizing, frustrating, excruciating.  But, each date is a stepping stone towards meeting someone really great.  Every date is a learning experience.  Look at the silver lining - each person you go out with who isn't a good match for you is one more person you can cross off of your dating to-do list, and the closer you'll get to meeting someone who is a good match.  Process of elimination.

Keep your head up.  Have fun.  Make the most of the date.  Stay optimistic.  Stay hopeful.  But, read the writing on the wall.  Don't be afraid to walk away.  Don't be afraid to take a chance.  It just might be your lucky day (or date!)

Until next time, be honest, be nice, treat others how you would like to be treated.

An interesting way to meet a wife...

So, I've been a little bit of a slacker recently.  Life, work, and other stuff have gotten a little bit in the way of my blogging.  But I have several items to post, so there shouldn't be such a lag in posts for the foreseeable future.

I was at a work training event last week, and the participants had to introduce one another to the class.  During their introductions, they had to include 2 truths and 1 lie about the person.  There were lots of interesting truths and lies told, but one stuck out for me.  After class as people were milling about, I approached the person and asked him to tell me the story in more detail.

I don't remember what his other truth or his lie was, but the truth that caught my attention was, "I met my wife while cold-calling to sell PG&E stock."  True story.  And, I got the details.

So, here goes - here is the story about how Mr. DJ met his wife.

In the mid-1990s, Mr. DJ was working for a firm selling stocks.  He was cold-calling people to try to sell them stock in PG&E.  One day, he called Ms. B.  She did not speak English as a first language, but had a strong enough grasp of it to politely tell Mr. DJ, "No thank you.  I'm not interested in buying cable." and promptly hung up on him.  Not one to take no for an answer, Mr. DJ called Ms. B right back to correct her and let her know he wasn't selling cable, but that he was selling stock in PG&E.  As it turns out, Ms. B wasn't a qualified investor.  But during the course of finding this out, the conversation turned a little more personal.  Ms. B had just broken up with her boyfriend, and was kind of sad.  She was from Brazil, and was living here temporarily.  Because of the break-up, she was planning to head back to Brazil.

Mr. DJ and Ms. B spent the next two weeks talking on the phone and getting to know one another.  They finally agreed to meet shortly thereafter to go to church together on a Sunday morning - it was December 24.  After church, they went to breakfast together.  The next day, Christmas, Ms. B met Mr. DJ's mother.

Mr. DJ and Ms. B dated for the next 2 years, and ended up getting married in Las Vegas.  Ms. B was walked down the aisle by an Elvis impersonator.

After they were married, Ms. B had to go back to Brazil to help care for her ailing mother.  Unfortunately, she had been in the U.S. without the proper papers, so once she left, she wasn't going to be able to return.  But, of course she had to go.

So, she went back to Brazil and cared for her mother.  Mr. DJ worked tirelessly for an entire year to get the appropriate paperwork approved with immigration to help Ms. B get back to him.  During that time, he quit his regular job to tend to Ms. B's business, and focused on his DJ business as well.  He met with a lawyer to find out the best way to get his wife back into the country.  He didn't end up hiring that lawyer, but used what he learned to "work" the system.

On February 15th (one day after Valentine's day), he got the call from Immigration telling him that she was all set and could come home to the U.S.  One day later she was back in the arms of Mr. DJ.

Talk about an unlikely way to meet your spouse.  They are still very happily married.

I absolutely love this story.  I love how people can meet in such unexpected ways.  I love how people can support one another and make one another a priority in life.  And, I love how happy people can be when they meet their one.

I was saddened this weekend when I learned that someone close to me had their spouse walk out on them completely unexpectedly.  I'll call this person M-n-M.  M-n-M is pretty devastated and distraught, and was taken completely off guard.  I talked for a bit with M-n-M, and despite the crappy situation, the advice I was given seems very relevant to me.  M-n-M's advice:  to be in a place where you can be open to love and a relationship, first you need to be happy with yourself.  Only then can you really be happy with someone else.  If you are lucky enough to be happy with yourself, being with the one you love just makes your already great life even better.

I sincerely hope M-n-M can make it through the tough times to come.

After hearing about this crappy turn of events, I was lucky enough to be on my way to Molecule's house.  It was so comforting to walk in and have him give me a great big warm hug and kiss.  Thinking about some of the shitty things people do to one another, or just general shitty stuff that happens in life, I feel so lucky to be in an amazing place in my own life, and even more lucky to be able to have Molecule in my life.  I can truly say that having someone you love and who loves you back does make my great life even better.

Here's to better times to come for M-n-M, and for meeting people in unexpected places.

Until next time...