My girlfriends tend to wonder why guys seem to be clueless, don't call (or wait too long to call), are just interested in hooking up, etc. Some of my guyfriends feel like all women are angry bitches, other of my guyfriends think women are too high maintenance, and yet other of my guyfriends wonder why girls make such a big deal out of everything... Lots of differing viewpoints going on.
A few weekends ago, Molecule and I were reading the Sunday paper over breakfast at his place (things are going amazing with Molecule and I, by the way). He pointed out a column called "Male Call." I had never heard of this column, but this particular Sunday's column was the last one for Male Call. Male Call "answers questions from men and women on dating, relationships, etiquette, men's style and more."
In the penultimate Male Call column (click here), the author offered a few more pieces of wisdom and also recounted some things he learned from readers.
Be straightforward. It sounds obvious, but women aren't too keen on trying to guess why you haven't called, texted or stalked them after a whirlwind period of intense interpersonal connectivity... This was the single, most repeated issue. "Why did he disappear?" So guys, just go ahead and tell them, "I'm a shallow person. I used you for my own gratification, and now I want to move on to take advantage of someone else." You'll feel better for it, just as soon as you've been released from the hospital.
So true. One of the things that irks me to no end is people who aren't honest. Yes, the truth can hurt, but I am the type of person who will wonder and wonder and wonder and drive myself somewhat insane if what I've been told doesn't make any sense, is so obviously untruthful, or if I haven't been told anything. For me, and this may not be for everyone, I prefer to hear the truth. If a guy didn't / doesn't want to see me anymore, I would prefer him to say, "it was nice getting to know you, but I don't think we are a good match. Good luck in your search." I don't need to know if he thinks I'm ugly, fat, stupid, lame, etc. (that type of truth hurts). But disappearing without saying anything, that really hurts because it leaves you wondering, theorizing, over-analyzing, and none of those things is fun or productive.
Shortly after reading this Male Call column, a friend of mine shared a profile on Match.com of a guy she was corresponding with. Here it is. It follows suit with Male Calls call for honesty, but does this go too far? Is this type of honesty productive?
Wow. He's got some good and valid points though. I'm just not sure his profile is the best avenue for his advice. Yes, we do need to remember the audience / readers we are trying to attract with our dating profiles. What you put in them should be relevant and interesting to the people we want to meet. I agree that too long emails aren't good, but one liners aren't either. I have actually received several "first" emails from guys that literally say "What's up? How are you?" Granted, that's the polar opposite to War & Peace, but there's got to be a happy medium, right?
I am looking for someone fun, smart, (no drama), is active, and can have fun no matter what. I am pretty easy going and can have fun no matter what. I would like to give the ladies some advice on their profiles......I am a straight shooter so please don't take this the wrong way....I just want to be honest with you so you find what you are looking for. So here it goes: 1. If you have a quote from Coco Chanel, Marilyn Monroe, or someone else no guy cares about we aren't going to be interested. 2. Your headline should be something short that catches the attention of a guy.....not some philosophical statement. 2. Curvy means just that.....not just overweight and not willing to admit it. 3. If you write back to a guy and it's close to being longer than War and Peace we are not interested. 4. If you mention an ex in the first three email...or at all when writing...adios! 5. Realize guys are visual so make sure your pictures show off the best of you.....the pic of being cross eyed will drinking a beer might be funny to your friends but to someone seeing you for the first time that is visual; we might not find it appealing. 6. If a guy doesn't respond to your email don't keep writing to him, he will definitely not go out with you....heard the term stage 5 clinger? 7. If your profile headline is Live, Love, Laugh please change it, not original at all. I will add more as I think of them.....don't mean to offend anyone with this at all......just want to be straightforward and brutally honest.......:)
I also agree with this guy's thoughts on profile pics (I also have written about the importance of profile pics a few times on this blog - click here for the most recent). You want to put your best foot (face) forward. Note to this guy, too many shirtless pics of you while flexing might reinforce your prowess, but sometimes we think it's creepy, a little egotistic, and slightly douche-y. The lesson here - EDIT, EDIT, EDIT. Pick good pics, pick recent pics, pick pics that really look like YOU now - not 15 years ago. And for guys - we like to see what you look like without a shirt, but we also want to see what you look like on a normal day (in clothing).
I also completely agree with his thoughts about guys not responding and to not keep hounding them. I've done this, and many of you probably have too. But, as excruciatingly difficult as it is, DO NOT KEEP REACHING OUT TO SOMEONE if they don't respond, or don't respond in a way that is obvious that they want to see you. One text / call / email is good. Two is mildly acceptable, but three? No way. If there is no sign of interest after one or two, move on. He / She knows you are interested. If they are too, they will respond. I know it is hard. I know this advice is slightly hypocritical because I've been the person that texts / calls / emails too much. But I've learned (for now), thanks to my sister (she's a smart cookie).
I used to think that when people told me that dating should be easy and happen naturally that they were full of shit. I mean, it wasn't easy with any of the guys I had dated. I always seemed to put in more effort than they did. But now that I've been with Molecule for 7 months, I honestly understand now what I was told - that dating should be easy and happen naturally. Please don't misinterpret this. Dating literally isn't easy. It is work. But the work shouldn't (and doesn't) seem like work. It is work that is enjoyable, that you look forward to doing, and reaping the benefits of. And, it is mutual. Both people like the company of the other, like spending time with the other, and therefore take steps to be able to do those things.
If you are stuck in the dating juggernaut, keep at it. It is work, and often challenging, demoralizing, frustrating, excruciating. But, each date is a stepping stone towards meeting someone really great. Every date is a learning experience. Look at the silver lining - each person you go out with who isn't a good match for you is one more person you can cross off of your dating to-do list, and the closer you'll get to meeting someone who is a good match. Process of elimination.
Keep your head up. Have fun. Make the most of the date. Stay optimistic. Stay hopeful. But, read the writing on the wall. Don't be afraid to walk away. Don't be afraid to take a chance. It just might be your lucky day (or date!)
Until next time, be honest, be nice, treat others how you would like to be treated.
Good advice, Jen. Back in the day, I'd ask a woman out a maximum of twice. If I got "No, but . . ." the first time, I'd ask again. After the second conditional rejection, I figured she knew I was interested and could initiate something without fear of my turning her down. As for effort, when one person is putting in much more than 50% of the effort more than 50% of the time, things are out of balance and won't last or end well.
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