Shacking up!!!

So, I had a BIG day yesterday.  Well, the "bigness" (and not Carrie's Mr. Big), began earlier this year.  Well, actually, in November of last year to be precise.  How does an event in November culminate into BIGNESS yesterday?  I'll tell you, in the most abbreviated, yet still relevant way that I can.

Last November, my job was "eliminated".  It was a huge shock, as I had been with that employer for nearly 13 years.  13 YEARS!  I freaked out for a bit, decided not to officially look for a new job until January, and just went with the funemployment.  About a month before me, Molecule's job was also eliminated after about 11 years with his employer.  He had already been preparing for a career and job-change, and his layoff just accelerated the change for him.  For me, I just needed to find a job.

So, in January, I hit the craigslist pavement.  One of the jobs I was interviewing for was in Palo Alto - about 45 minutes south of San Francisco.  I have no desire to be stuck in my car on the freeway to drive to my job, so after I was called back for a 2nd interview there, I brought up to Molecule the thought of living together if I got this job.  Honestly, that was the next logical "step" for us, and during our funemployments, we were practically living together already, so the cohabitation discussion didn't come up purely out of needing a convenient place to live if I took a job in Palo Alto.  We talked about it (a little awkwardly at first), but we got through the discussions, and Molecule was on board.  I didn't end up getting that job (thankfully), so we didn't need to take the plunge right then and there.

A few months later, Molecule found an amazing job doing something meaningful.  And, about a month after that, I found a job too - in San Francisco.  It was a big shock to me to go from seeing Molecule almost every day & night, to being able to see him pretty much only on the weekends.  I remember one particular Sunday right after I started work.  I was at Molecule's place in Palo Alto, and had to drive home so I could get up in the morning and go to work in San Francisco.  As we were bringing my things down to my car, I started crying.  I felt like an idiot, but couldn't help it.  The main reason was that I felt like we were taking a step backward, and I didn't like not seeing him at all during the week.  Normally Molecule would spend Wednesday nights with me in SF, but with the new job and all, he hadn't really been doing that, and wasn't planning to for a while.  So, basically we could see each other maybe Friday nights, and Saturday nights, and Sunday days.  It sucked, and I was upset about it.  I asked if he would spend Wednesday night at my place that week, and he basically said he couldn't because he had an early meeting on Thursday, and didn't want to have to fight traffic and potentially be late to the meeting.  So, we talked a little and came up with some options that we could both do to help us see each other during the week.  Mainly me taking CalTrain down to his place after work and spending the night there, and then taking CalTrain back to San Francisco in the morning to go to work.  And, when his early Thursday meeting was changed to a later time sometime in July or so, he would start spending Wednesdays at my place again.

That Wednesday night he was going to stop by after his class in San Francisco, but not stay over.  I was looking forward to seeing him, but not looking forward to his not spending the night.  When he arrived that night, he had a bag with him.  I asked him what it was for.  He said he thought about it and decided that he could make more of an an effort too to see me during the week.  That small gesture solidified even more why I love him.  It meant the world to me.

So, fast forward a couple of months.  We are both settling into our new jobs, and our routines.  He is back to spending Wednesdays at my place, and I am staying at his place a night or 2 during the week and taking CalTrain to work.  It it hard, but it works, mostly.  I find it difficult to plan ahead what I will need for a weekend in Palo Alto, and what to wear to work on Mondays to give to Molecule on Thursday mornings to take home with him so I don't have to lug a bag of stuff with me on the train.  I also find it difficult to grocery shop on a regular basis when I'm not really home at my place on a regular basis.  One month, we were at my place for 3 weekends, and Molecule started to complain about the packing, and going back & forth between places.  It was funny - until then he had no idea why I was grumbling about packing bags, planning outfits, etc.

It was about that time that we started looking at places to live together in Palo Alto.  We saw a few places that were nice, but not for us.  The amazing thing about this process was that Molecule was more or less driving it.  He would email me links to places and ask me what I thought about them.  He was taking an active role in looking for apartments.  That's another reason why I love him - he wasn't a passive participant in this, and was, in fact, driving the process.

We each had our "laundry lists" of what we wanted in a place.  I wanted a 2-bedroom for sure - that was my main thing.  Laundry on-site, parking, a bigger kitchen.  After looking at one particular 2-bedroom place that we liked, but didn't love, that was also available immediately, we talked about timing for us to move in together.  After some discussion, we agreed that by the end of September we'd like to be in a place together.  We agreed that we would keep looking at places to help narrow down neighborhoods we liked, and features that we liked.  And, if we found that "perfect" place that was available sooner, we could accelerate our timeline.

And just like that, POOF!, we basically said that we would be living together by September!  Crazy.  So, we continued to look at places.  And investigate places, and weren't having much luck.  We saw postings on craigslist that were amazing, but then when we called on them, the people never called back.  Molecule was getting frustrated and concerned that we wouldn't find a good place, and questioned whether we could live together at his place.  I agreed that we could, for a short amount of time, but definitely would need more space soon.  So, with the comfort of knowing we could stay in his place if needed, we kept looking.

One day, Molecule emailed me a link to an add from craigslist for a 2-bedroom, 2-bathroom place, with laundry IN THE UNIT!!!, a fireplace, 2 car secured underground parking, and a balcony, and I was interested!  It sounded great, and ironically was in a complex that Molecule mentioned, before we even were thinking of moving in together, that he always wanted to live in.  We emailed the person who posted the add about when the unit was being shown, and asked if we needed to bring anything with us to the showing.  The guy emailed us a link to the application (though he said he would have some available at the showing), and gave us the showing date & time.  We filled out the extensive applications (we wanted to be prepared), and went to the open house.  When we got there, there were about 6 other people looking at the unit and filling out applications.  The place was AMAZING!  We loved it immediately.  We had a little hushed conversation in one of the bedrooms, and both basically said at the same time that we loved it and wanted it.

So, we turned in our applications to the landlord, and had some conversation with him, to learn more about the apartment, and also to build some rapport with him.  Schmoozing is never a bad thing, right?  We left him with the applications, and went on our way, so excited at the prospect of getting that place, but nervous because so many people were there too.  We stopped by the market to get some milk and fruit, and I realized that I put the wrong number down for my monthly income.  I put my per paycheck income down, forgetting to double it because I get paid twice monthly.  We went back so I could update my application, and had the opportunity to talk with the landlord for a few more minutes.

Then, we waited.

On the 4th of July, Molecule suggested we send an email to the landlord saying we were ready to write a check for the security deposit and first three months of rent.  Molecule was really hot for this apartment!  So, we emailed the landlord with that, and to check on the progress he was making with the stack of applications he received for the apartment.  He responded later that evening that he would probably make a decision in the next day or so.  The 5th of July, we got word from the landlord that we won the apartment!!!!!!!  Molecule and I were in a state of excited shock!  This moving in together concept was all of a sudden completely real and imminent.  Here's where it gets crazy.

We were under the impression that the unit wasn't available until August, as the exterior of the building is being redone and won't be finished until August.  But, as it turns out the unit was available right away, and the landlord wanted tenants in ASAP.  So, Molecule and I had a quick decision to make.  We asked for 24 hours so we could talk to our current landlords and make sure we could get out of our existing leases, and then would tell the new landlord.  So, Molecule and I looked into things, and figured out that we could get out of our existing apartments, and decided to do it!  I called the new landlord back the next day and said very enthusiastically that yes, we would like the apartment, and can move in now.  He hesitated for a minute and said that he now had to decide who to give it to, because he called the 2nd runner up because he wasn't sure if Molecule and I would come through.  I said, "Landlord (obviously not his real name), Molecule and I gave our notice to our current apartments yesterday."  Landlord said, "Well, I had to cover my bases because I need a tenant right away."  I said, "Yesterday you agreed to give us 24 hours to make sure we could get out of our current leases."  Landlord said, "I know.  Ok, you & Molecule can have it."  I literally almost had a heart attack.  Literally.  My heart was pounding.

But we got it!!!!!!!!  And, had to move in before the end of July.  It was July 6th the day we agreed to take the apartment.

Oh my god!  I was excited and freaking out at the same time.  One can never fully prepare for a move, certainly not me.  I have a lot of crap, and stuff, and crap, and stuff.  Too much.  I don't know how it all fit into my small 1-bedroom apartment, but it did.  The prospect of sorting, packing, and moving it all was completely overwhelming to me.  Thank god for movers & packers.

They came to my apartment in San Francisco at 8:30am yesterday, and finished unloading the truck in Palo Alto at 6:30pm yesterday.  In 10.5 hours 5 guys who kept calling each other "pinche" and didn't think I understood everything else they were saying in Spanish, moved almost all of my stuff 45 minutes south to Palo Alto.

Molecule and I officially live together!!!  Except, Molecule isn't in California at the moment, due to a pre-planned trip.  And, he won't officially move his things to the new apartment until next Saturday, and I won't stay there without him, so I'm staying at his place.  And, I still have a few things in my San Francisco apartment (I don't need to be officially out of there until next Saturday).  Wow, I'm a 3-apartment girl right now (my SF place, Molecule's place, and our new place)!  I guess this is what real estate moguls feel like!



Living in sin?  No way.  Nope.  Not even remotely close.

I get to go to bed and wake up every day next to the person that I love.  We get to make a home and start the next chapter of our lives together, in one place, under one roof.  I don't think it gets any better than this...  Seriously.

The 100th Monkey effect

So, I had an acupuncture appointment last week, and my wonderful and amazing acupuncturist was telling me about a speaker she hosted over the weekend.  This speaker, Oberom, shared his thoughts on the process of breaking limiting belief patterns and living in loving awareness.  I didn't attend his workshops, but heard about them during my treatment.  My acupuncturist, I'll call her Triathlete, told me that Oberom brought her to tears when describing the 100th monkey effect and how it can impact humans.  For more on this, click here, and here, and here.

I have never heard of this 100th monkey effect, so I asked Triathlete to tell me about it.  She said, basically, that some researchers in Japan were observing monkeys eating sweet potatoes.  The researchers would toss sweet potatoes to monkeys on this one specific island.  The monkeys ate the sweet potatoes that were covered in sand from where the researchers tossed them.  Then, one young monkey had the idea to wash the sweet potato before eating it.  This monkey taught this behavior to other monkeys in the group.  Soon, many many monkeys were washing their sweet potatoes before eating them.  Then before the researchers knew it, almost 100 monkeys were observed washing their sweet potatoes.  Then presto! change-o! monkeys on other islands were suddenly washing their food before eating it.  This "100th monkey effect" purports that the idea to wash food before eating it reached a critical mass, and the idea became "energy" or "awareness" that was floating around "out there" and suddenly all of the other monkeys picked up on it.

Triathlete told me that Oberom used this theory in his discussion about a theoretical / fictional homeless person sitting on the street.  What if there was a homeless person sitting on a corner somewhere, struggling with some kind of addiction.  Every day people walk by this person and think negative thoughts about him/her.  But what if one day, one person who walked by thought, "wow, wouldn't it be great if that homeless person got help, and pulled themselves into a better situation."  What if the next day, someone else thought something positive about that homeless person.  Then, the next day someone else thought something positive, and the next day, and the next day, and the next, until almost 100 people thought something nice about this homeless person.  Then, one day, the homeless person got up and was walking toward a treatment center to finally get the help he/she needed.  Then, just as the homeless person was about to get to the center, someone walked by and thought something negative about the homeless person, and that destroyed the motivation he/she had to get help.  Imagine if that last person who walked by thought something positive, and that was the 100th monkey effect propelling this homeless person to get help.

I'm not sure I buy into this 100th anything effect creating a critical mass of idea-energy and others instantaneously picking up on it, but it got me thinking.  How could this "effect" or idea have an impact on dating, on people, on life?

Trying something new, adopting a new behavior or belief, speaking out for or against something, can be greatly influenced by those around us.

Imagine a person being bullied.  If one, then another, then another, then another person stuck up for that bullied person, could a critical mass be reached where that person is no longer bullied?

Imagine if a serial dater or a serial hook-up-er picked up on the wishes of the people they serially dated or hooked-up with.  Imagine if the wishes of those people were that the serial dater/hook-up-er would finally commit.  If those wishes reached a critical mass for the serial dater/hook-up-er, maybe their behavior would change, and they would finally be able to commit or have a serious, monogamous, long-term relationship.

Imagine if guys everywhere miraculously stopped observing the 3-day rule before calling a girl for a 2nd date, and started asking them out for a 2nd date on the 1st date?  It might take more than 100 guys doing this to reach critical mass to change behaviors everywhere.  But it could start with just one guy making a change.

Imagine if dating people told the people they dated honestly and openly if they weren't interested in going on another date.  How much heartache would that cure?

I guess, for me, it boils simply down to treating other people the way you want to be treated.  I, personally, like people to be nice to me.  I don't like to be yelled at, given "attitude", disrespected, ignored, bullied, pressured, lied to, etc.  I try, and work hard, to treat people (some of whom aren't as deserving as others) the way I want to be treated.  Sometimes it comes naturally because the person is treating me the way I want to be treated, so it is easy to treat them the same.  Sometimes, it is not nearly as easy.  That person who is tailgating you.  That person who is rude to you.  That person who is disrespectful.  That guy who didn't call.  It would be so very easy to treat them exactly how they are treating you.  But, maybe, just maybe you can be the first monkey to wash that sweet potato before eating it.  It's something new.  It isn't accepted (yet).   People might look at you funny.  People might think you are strange or crazy.  But if you exhibit a behavior, and someone emulates you.  Then another, then another, then another, and another emulate you too, before you know it, you might be the inspiration for a sea change in the world.  Or just maybe a small change.  But change, is change, and it needs to start somewhere. 

All of this reminds me a little of a commercial I see on TV periodically.  It is for an insurance company, and it illustrates people helping people, and inspiring others to do the same - click here.

What can you take away from my ramblings tonight - be nice to people.  Sometimes it might be easier not to be nice.  But, don't take the easy way out.  Just be nice, even if it is hard.

Until next time...  As Ted said, in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, "Be excellent to each other."

Application to date

So, it has been a while since I have posted a dating adventure.  I've had several thoughts about what to post next, but a recent series of events with a few friends of mine have sparked this post.

In February, I wrote about love being in the air , and several of my friends who were beginning healthy and exciting relationships.

Here are a few updates:

1. Molecule and I are still going strong.  In fact, we are starting to talk about (gasp!) moving in together!
2. A is still engaged to B, and I had the pleasure of attending her bridal shower a few weeks ago.  What a lovely luncheon with a lovely group of family and friends.  A was simply radiant and glowing.  I can't wait for the wedding in August.
3. Sparkles & C have broken up.  C seemed to be a good guy in person.  But apparently behind the scenes, there was a totally different version of C who wasn't such a good guy.  Sparkles couldn't take Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde any more, so C had to go.
4. D & A are still going strong.  They are even taking a trip to Europe together in a few weeks!
5. D & MM are still going good.
6. C, who met her guy through It's Just Lunch, has recently ended her relationship with him.  Apparently, he wasn't "ready".
7. M and his girl K are getting ready for their wedding very soon!

A new development concerns a girlfriend, Stiletto, and a guy with whom she was set up with a few weeks back.  A good friend of hers knew she was single and looking for a good guy.  Apparently, her friend knew exactly who to set her up with, and presto - she's been dating the guy for about 5 weeks now.  Our gang of friends had a chance to meet him about a week ago, and he is really great!  I'm so excited for her.

Another new development concerns a very good friend of mine, Panda.  Panda and I met in a ceramics class many years ago.  She's an amazing person with a huge heart and lots of love to give.  She's spent a good amount of time getting her dream job, purchasing a house all on her own, planting and cultivating a gigantic garden full of vegetables and fruit trees, and really getting herself established at her job.  I've been trying to get her to come out of her shell and date and let someone else in on how amazing she is.  Well, a few weeks ago, she called me and told me that she went out on a date!  I was so excited.  The guy, J, asked her out, and she agreed.  They then kept seeing each other, texting each other, and calling each other, and all seemed great.  Except for the fact that he wasn't 100% over his ex-girlfriend (of 2 years) yet.  So, Panda and J took it kind of slow.  They spent a lot of time getting to know each other, and left the physical stuff for later.  A few weeks into their courtship, J told Panda that he was thinking about moving somewhere new.  Then he said he didn't really know what he wanted.  But, he continued calling, texting, and seeing Panda.  She was rightfully frustrated - J didn't know if he was coming or going or what he wanted.  But it was clear that he still wanted to spend time with Panda.  Still, the physical stuff waited.  But, we all know how hard it is to contain yourself in certain situations.  They found themselves in a situation in which they couldn't contain themselves.  Then things changed.  J was distant.  J stopped calling & texting as much.  Then he started calling & texting again.  On and off.  Off and on.  So confusing for Panda.  She still doesn't really know what is going on inside J's head.

It is with Panda's, Sparkle's, and C's predicaments (and of course my past dating adventures, and the adventures of those of most of my other friends) that I thought about creating some sort of "dating application" we could hand out to potential suitors.  Of course this is moot if the suitor is full of shit.  But if they are even only partially full of shit, some of the answers might provide some insight into their dating state of mind, right?

1. Do you really want to date?
• If yes, are you sure?
• Are you really really sure?
• If no, are you looking for just a fuck?
• Are you looking for a friend with benefits or a one-night kind of thing?
2. If you do really want to date, what kind of baggage are you toting?
• carry on? 
• carry on that goes in the overhead
• carry on that goes under your seat
• carry on that fits in your pocket
• checked?
• 1 bag
• 2 bags
• 3 bags or more
• oversize?
• over 50 lbs
• over 100 lbs
• too heavy for any scale
3. After a first date, do you observe the 3-day rule before calling again?
4. What is your housing situation?
• live alone
• have roommates
• Have roommates and have own room
• Have roommates and share room
• live on a couch
• live with parents
• live with other family member?  (list which one(s)).
5. What is your transportation situation?
• have own car
• have zip car or some other type of rental situation
• motorcycle or scooter
• skate board
• bus / public transportation
• bike
• foot
6. What is your job situation?
• gainfully employed
• Do you like what you do?
• Do you aspire to do something different?
• unemployed
• trust fund
• moocher
7. What is your mental situation?
• stable
• slightly unstable
• basket case
• certifiable
8. What is your communication situation?
• can communicate openly and honestly, even if it is not what you want to hear
• will tell you what I think you want to hear
• will outright lie
• communication... what is that?
9. What is your kid situation?
• have none
• have some  (fill in # _____)
• If have one or multiple, how much time do you spend with your kid(s)?
• sole custody
• shared custody
• If multiple, are they all with the same person?
• want one or some? (yes or no)
• want none
10. What do you like to do for fun?  (Short answer).
11. If heaven exists, what would you like God (or whomever is there to greet you) to say when you arrive at the pearly gates?

What would you want to ask?

Dating is hard.  Dating sometimes leads to disaster.  But it also sometimes leads to something really wonderful.  It is a crazy, scary, pleasurable, uncomfortable, fun, awe-inspiring, educational, amazing, emotional ride.  It is a ride, and you have to get on the train to take the ride.  That ride may or may not be where you want to go.  But if you don't take it, you will never know.  If, however, the ride turns out to be going where you don't want to go, you HAVE TO GET OFF THE TRAIN.  Trust your gut.  Trust your friends.  Trust yourself to decide what is right for you at that point in time.  Each ride will help you define and clarify where it is you think you want to go.  (At least they did for me).

Happy riding!

Until next time...

Love is in the air

So, February.  Valentine's day.  Chocolates.  Cards.  Flowers.  Love.  Nightmare?  Could be and has been.

Regardless of your feeling for this somewhat manufactured holiday, love is definitely in the air.  I don't know, but I kind of feel that love happens in fits and starts.  It ebbs and flows.  It gushes.

Last year at this time, my gang of friends and I were pretty much all single.  I was just beginning my adventure with Molecule and most of my friends were riding the dating roller coaster.

This year - total sea change.  I didn't dread February 14th like I have in the past.  I didn't cringe at all of the red and pink heart stuff.

Molecule and I just celebrated our 1 year anniversary.  I really can't fathom that we've been together for 1 year.  It's been an amazing year - I'll be writing an update about our year of adventures in another post.  However, let me say this.  Our anniversary celebration was AH-MAY-ZING.  I planned a weekend getaway. 

We stayed one night at the Madonna Inn in San Luis Obispo.  I have ALWAYS wanted to stay at this place since I was a little kid and we stopped there for hot fudge sundaes after a week of camping in Morrow Bay.  Well, IT ROCKED!  You have to be prepared for the over-the-top-ness of the place, and the kitschy-ness.  We stayed in the "Lucky Rock" room complete with tiger-striped carpet, a leopard-print couch, kelly green walls, gold lame wallpaper, and a rock bathroom.  Yes, the bathroom had rock walls, rock floors, rock sink, and a rock shower.  I loved it.

The second night, we stayed at the Sycamore Mineral Springs Resort.  We had a room with a private outdoor hot tub.  AH-MAY-ZING yet again.  I definitely will stay at this place again.  Loved it.

Getting on with the sea change of love in the air...

1. I met Molecule on eHarmony - we've been together for a year now...
2. One friend, A, met a guy, B, on eHarmony sometime around May / June.  They were quickly inseparable.  A lives in San Francisco but works down near San Jose.  B lives in Palo Alto.  Around October they made plans to move in together this March, once A's lease was up.  Well, sometime right after Christmas, B popped the question, and they are now engaged!  They are getting married in August!!!!!
3. Another friend, Sparkles, met a guy on Match a few months ago, and they going strong.  Her guy, C, is pretty awesome.
4. A guy friend, D, met his girlfriend on Match about 6 months ago.  His girl, A, is super cute and super nice.  She fits right in with the gang.
5. Another guy friend, who was bah-humbug on dating after having some dating adventures (and mis-adventures) of his own, has met a great girl, MM, and so far so good.  MM is super spunky and fun.
6. Another girlfriend, C, met her current beau through It's Just Lunch.  They've been dating for almost two months now, and though the whole gang hasn't met him yet, we've heard a lot (all great) about him, and hope to meet him soon.
7. Another guy friend, M, met his girl in October 2010, and proposed mid-year in 2011.  They're in full-on wedding planning mode.

So, I have to say this on-line dating thing works if you work it.  And, it is work.  It takes persistence.  You have to put in the time to look at people, communicate with people, go out with people, get to know people, and decide if you want to continue to get to know them.  You can't just snap your fingers and miraculously find "the one" or at least "the one for right now."  Like the cliche goes, you have to kiss a lot of frogs.  It is true, you do.  But maybe the next frog you kiss could fit the bill!  Who knows.  You just have to take a chance.

I was flipping channels the other evening, and came across this documentary on CNBC - "Online dating: the secret science of love at first byte" (click here).  The program airs again on Monday, 2/20/2012 at 8pm ET on CNBC.  Check it out.  It was really fascinating.  It delves into the world of on-line dating, the volumes of niche sites out there, some success stories, some not so successful stories, but the fact that on-line dating gives you access to a sea of people you wouldn't normally have exposure to.  One of those people in the on-line sea just might be the one!

Maybe Cupid has come off of hiatus and sunk his love arrows in us all at once.  Who knows, but love certainly seems to be in the air, or at least, in the air our gang is breathing...

No matter what it is, I like it.  Actually I love it!  I hope he sinks his arrows in the rest of the gang!  In the words of Lenny Kravitz, "Let Love Rule!"

Until next time... xoxoxoxo