I've been thinking about this topic for a few months now and since I talked independently with PM and Panda about their situations. Then, the other night, I was surfing channels on TV and that movie (from 2009) "He's Just Not That Into You" was on. There is a scene in it where the Ginnifer Goodwin character "Gigi" is talking to the Jennifer Aniston and Jennifer Connelly characters. Gigi was explaining a revelation she had from when she talked with the Justin Long character, "Alex", the night before. He explained to Gigi that generally in the dating world, there is the "exception" and the "rule." There will always be someone who you know thrice removed who held out hope for something/someone, who, in the end, gets that something/someone of her/his dreams. That person is the "exception." Normal people are the "rule" where that something/someone of their dreams never becomes something they get. Gigi tries to explain this to the Jennifer characters:
Gigi: I think I've figured it out. Remember when I went out with that notary public and he cheated on me and then Anastasia from upstairs told me about how her boyfriend cheated on her in the beginning then he totally changed and now they're married and crazy in love?
Beth: I thought that guy was a process server.
Gigi: No, notary. Anyway my point is, Anastasia is the exception, not the rule. We have to stop listening to these stories because the rule is most guys who cheat on you up front don't really care about you very much.
Janine: Ok.
Gigi: Ok, Ok. Exhibit A. Chad the drummer who lived in a storage space. He only used me for rides and yet I continued to stalk him for most of 1998. Then oh, um, there was Don, that broke up with me every Friday so that he could have his weekends free. I was delusional about that relationship. I used to refer to him as my husband to random people, like my dental hygienist. Anyway, all my friends used to tell me about how things might work out with these dipsticks because they knew someone, who knew someone, who dated a dipstick just like mine. That girl ended up getting married and living happily ever after. That's the exception and we're not the exception we're the rule.
This concept of the "exception" and the "rule" somewhat go along with my feelings on the blessings and curses of hope and potential.
I am not immune to the blessing and curse of hope and potential. They have bitten me in the ass on more than one occasion and in more than one part of life (not just in dating). I am the eternally hopeful person. I hope with all of the hope that exists that things turn out the way I hope them to. I see potential in places sometimes where there is absolutely zero, nada, zilch potential. But I am too hopeful (and stubborn) to give up on that potential and hope. Because what if I am right in my hope and vision of potential? If I walk away, then I will never know the outcome. But if I stick around and wait, I could be waiting forever and wasting time. It is a vicious circle of hope and potential.
Very soon after I moved to San Francisco and was going to college full-time, I met this guy I will refer to as Cornholio (yes, Cornholio from Beavis and Butthead). Cornholio was one of the things this guy would say at random times, and he actually really loved watching Beavis and Butthead, much to my chagrin. Anyway, from the minute I met Cornholio, I had an instant crush on him. We became friends, and started hanging out outside of school. He would tell me that he was really interested in this other girl from one of his classes and that he wanted to "get" with her. She was short, skinny, and had large boobs. He described her attributes in much more vulgar language which I will save you from, but use your imagination. She would hang out with him and drink with him, and tease him and give him no play. Me, on the other hand, I was willing to give him some play, but he wasn't interested. I could see the potential in this guy: he was smart, funny, easy to talk to, educated, employed, thoughtful, etc., etc. But, and this is kind of huge, he was sexist, offensive, vulgar, childish, rude, mean, and annoying. All things I was willing (and did) overlook because I was hopeful that he would realize his potential to be a great guy (and boyfriend and, just possibly, husband).
A few months after we met, we went out for New Years Eve with a group of his friends. We tried to get into a club (didn't work), so we ended up at a pizza joint eating dinner at midnight. Right when the clock struck 12, he grabbed me at the table (surrounded by his friends) and planted a big kiss on my lips. I was totally taken by surprise. I was not expecting to make out with him at a table surrounded by his friends. I was hoping for kissing - and look, it just came true!, but I was not expecting it to happen that way.
A few weeks later, we went out for a dinner date. He had just had his wisdom teeth out, so his mouth was quite sore. After dinner, we were walking around my neighborhood looking in the shop windows. He was holding my hand, and it felt very romantic at the time. Near the end of our date, he remarked that he really wanted to kiss me right then, but he couldn't because his mouth was too sore. I replied that he knew what he was missing, and that it was his loss. It was fun flirty banter. But it went nowhere. He didn't kiss me that night. When we both got home, he called me. In a nutshell he said that he knew I liked him. And that he was pretty certain that I knew he liked me. But that he didn't want a relationship with me because he liked me too much. He said that he didn't want to date me because we would inevitably break up and then he would have to hate me and he didn't want to hate me because he liked me too much.
Yes. Seriously. He admitted that he liked me, but he didn't want to date me because he liked me too much. What kind of illogical logic is that? So, I took some time to reflect, and somehow was able to turn off my romantic feelings for him and stay friends with him (while still being secretly hopeful that maybe things would change). Throughout our friendship there was always a casual flirtation. We hung out a lot - went to movies, went out to dinner, went to parties, had weekend breakfasts, etc. When we hung out just he and I, he always had some reason to touch me - he would put his arm around me when we were waiting in line, he would put his hand on my foot when we were on the couch watching TV. A few of my girlfriends suggested that I was like a girlfriend for him, but without of any of the sexual benefits. I was still holding onto a little bit of hope that he would recognize his potential and turn into a good (and actual) boyfriend (with benefits). That never happened.
We made out on another occasion about 5 years after the New Years kiss. It was a Thursday night and I was leaving town for the weekend the following day. When I got back into town, we talked on the phone. I asked what he thought about what happened on Thursday night. He asked what I was talking about. I told him I was talking about the fact that we made out and he asked if we could have sex. He was like, "Oh, that..." I said, "Yes, that. So what do you think about that?" He said, "We would never work." I said, "Why not?" He said, "Because you don't like my brother." I said, "I don't dislike your brother, and what does that have to do with us being together?" He said, "Well, you don't like my friends." I said, "I don't dislike your friends. I happen to think some of them are lazy, but I don't dislike them." He said, "We just would never work." I said, "Well, remember this conversation, because you aren't going to get another opportunity with me." He didn't.
About 5 years after that, our friendship ended. That potential I was hopeful he would recognize - yeah, that went to shit. We were having breakfast one Saturday morning and when the bill came (which we always would split), he told me he was a few dollars short. I asked him to tell me how much to put down to cover me and what he was short. So he told me $25. I put down $25. Then he proceeded to tell me I was cheap and was the cheapest person he knew. This hurt me greatly, and I asked him to take me home. That was the last time we spoke. I was hopeful that Cornholio would come into the potential I saw in him for close to 11 years. He never recognized it.
Panda is still talking/interacting with J (this is going on 2 years now). J currently has a girlfriend (who is several years younger than him), but still texts Panda on and off. He asks her to go running with him, and to hang out. Then disappears again. Then texts again. Then disappears again. This is all on the down-low - I seriously doubt his girlfriend has any idea he is still interacting with Panda. Panda remains hopeful that J will see the light of day and kick the girlfriend to the curb and realize that Panda is the one for him.
I know exactly how she feels. When you meet that person who makes you tingle, and whom you can't stop thinking about, and who makes it so easy to visualize a future with, you can't help but hope and hope and hope that your hope comes true. That you are the exception, not the rule. How can you give up hope for something you want? I am the worst person to advise on this, because I hold on to hope all too long (duh, can't you tell by some of the dating adventures I've written about?).
But, as an outside observer, we all can see when a friend should, perhaps, reassess their hope. When the thing/person they are hopeful for has lost all of their potential and is now being an asshole and being detrimental to the happiness of our friend, we see it before they do. Panda and PM, and countless others knew LONG before I did that it was time to cut my losses with Chef, Radio, Cornholio, and others. It took far too long before I knew it myself.
I don't know exactly what the line in the sand was for each of the times I cut my losses. But for me, there is always that last thing that is the last straw. With Cornholio, it was calling me cheap. With Chef, it was him asking to talk with me and then not calling when he said he was going to. With Radio, it was me telling him what I felt in order to create the closure I needed (and him not responding). I think it is different for every person and every situation. We can only cut our losses when our line in the sand has been crossed. And, sadly, we probably define and draw and set that line way too far out than it should ever be. But how do you stop listening to your heart, your hope, and the potential you see in someone? I don't know, but I have my friends' backs whenever and however they need it.
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