When is Enough Enough?

So, a friend of mine, PM, is on a self-professed "emotional roller coaster" having to do with, yep you guessed it, a guy.  This roller coaster has been going on for a little over a month, and is driving her insane.  The guy recently broke up with a girl, and isn't dealing well with the break-up.  Enter PM who is trying to be a friend to him, and has found that she has developed feelings that go beyond friendship.  The guy is also feeling these "feelings" but his behavior is saying otherwise.  He clearly is in no place to enter into a new relationship as evidenced by his atrocious behavior.  I don't need to go into all of the gory details, I'll give it to you in a nutshell.  Guy calls PM, begs her to "come over."  She protests, he begs, she relents and goes over.  Finds guy drunk and/or passed out.  He wakes up, they argue.  She leaves.  He calls and apologies.  Begs her to come over, she protests, he begs, she relents.  Rinse and repeat.  A lot.

So, my questions are:

• when is enough enough?
• how do you get your brain and heart to get on the same page?
• why do you keep doing something you know is clearly not good?
• how do you turn off hope of building something with someone?
• how do you look at a person for who they are now versus their potential to be someone/something great?

As I was talking with PM and listening to her describe her emotional roller coaster, I started reliving my own 8-month long emotional roller coaster with Chef.  I felt exactly how she is feeling.  I knew things weren't good with Chef, but I couldn't let go.  I knew I deserved better, but I couldn't let go.  I knew I shouldn't let him take advantage of my emotions, but I did.  I knew I should have walked away 6 months sooner, but I didn't.  I stuck around in a passive-aggressive, emotionally abusive relationship for about 8 months.  That is 8 months too long.

About a month into our "relationship" my head knew it wasn't going to be good, but my heart hoped otherwise.  I couldn't bring my head to overpower my heart and get me out of the situation.  My heart was so full of hope that it overpowered my brain and what my head knew was best.  My heart was full of hope for a boyfriend, for love, for a relationship, for a partner and it completely shattered my brain and common sense that things were not going in the right direction with this person.  But I couldn't bring my head and my heart onto the same page.  So, I stayed in the "relationship" and was sad, mad, hurt, ignored, frustrated, confused, the list goes on and on and doesn't include any happy words.

Every time I thought I was done, a week later he would call or text, and give me back a glimmer of hope and I would be back in it because I had hope again.  The same thing happened every few weeks.  I would be done.  He would finally call.  Hope came back and I couldn't walk away.  Time and again.  For far far far far far too long.  (I call this conundrum the Blessing and Curse of Hope and Potential.)  I tried putting a rubber band on my wrist and snapping it every time I thought about him, or had the urge to call or text him.  I wanted to associate pain with Chef.  It sort of worked, until it didn't.  Finally, FINALLY, I had had enough.  Chef wouldn't return my texts, calls, or emails.  He simply wouldn't respond in any way, shape, or form.  I forced the issue and like a crazy stalker, I went to the restaurant that he "owned."  I called the restaurant phone number and asked to talk to him.  He got on the phone and asked what I wanted.  I told him we needed to talk.  He said he couldn't right then but that if I came back in an hour, we could have a conversation.  So, I left and returned an hour later.  He wasn't there.  He left because of an "emergency" at his other restaurant.  I texted and told him we needed to talk.  He said he'd "call me later."  I never got a call from him.  That was my line in the sand.  Enough was finally enough.  I was done.

I can't say definitively what brought about my done-ness.  It simply came.  Enough was enough.  I guess I had too much tolerance for crap, and my enough came far too late.  PM coached me through many tearful conversations about Chef.  She told me to walk away, to cut him loose, etc., etc.  She knew he was treating me horribly, she knew I deserved better and told me as much on many occasions.  My head knew she was right, but my heart wasn't ready to give up hope. 

So, how is it that we can see this when we look from the outside in, but when we are on the inside looking out we totally ignore our own advice?

I guess we are gluttons for our own punishment and we have to find our own line in the sand.  Some people get to it sooner than others.  I only hope that PM finds that line ASAP.  It is no bueno to be in any relationship where there is only take and no give.  You should never doubt your actions and your worth because another person isn't treating you well.  It is time to slap your heart and get it in line with your head.