Going on a Picnic

Adventure tale #4

I met Picnic (again, not his real name) on eHarmony at the end of September 2009.  We went through the whole eHarmony gauntlet of guided communication and finally spoke on the phone.  We arranged to meet at a Starbucks in my neighborhood on a Sunday.  I was impressed that he selected something so close to where I live (he lives outside SF - about 30 minutes south of the City).  I remember that it was a particularly warm day and I was wearing a skirt, tank top, and flip-flops.  I had recently had a pedicure with one of my favorite polish colors.  We sat and talked for about 2 hours over coffee.  Picnic even commented that he liked the polish I had on my toes!  (What guy notices that?)  When I needed to get on my merry way, he walked me to my car and was even so bold as to kiss me when we parted.  I was a little taken aback, but decided to just go with it.  I was traveling to NYC the next week, so couldn't make immediate plans for another date with him.  We texted a few times during my trip, and when I was at the airport on my way home, he texted and asked me out for mid-week when I got back.

He texted me when I got home and the day of our date.  I was having a particularly crappy day at work, but was looking forward to our date.  He picked me up (was right on time) and even brought me flowers!  It was starting out to be a great first-and-a-half date!  He made reservations at Umami Japanese restaurant.  It was delicious!  We had nice conversation over dinner and an overall great time.  After we finished eating, he suggested having a cocktail at the bar before we left.  So, as we were sitting at the bar, he grabbed my hand and held it while we had our drinks.  I thought it was sweet!  We held hands as we walked to the car.  He opened the door for me and as he turned around to help me in, he kissed me!  His car is a manual transmission, and he held my hand in between shifting gears during the ride back to my place, so cute.

He asked me out again for the weekend, and I agreed.  We texted and emailed a few times during the week.  As Saturday approached, he texted me and told me that we were going to have a picnic (hence the nickname) in Half Moon Bay and he would pick me up at 11:30am on Saturday.  I asked him if I could bring anything, and he said, "just your beautiful self."  So sweet!  So, 11:30am arrives, and he's right on time.  We drove (holding hands between shifts) down to Half Moon Bay.  During the drive, he asked if he could ask me a question - my last name.  I gave it to him, and asked his in return.  It was kind of funny actually.  With on-line dating, at least for me, identity is kind of a protected asset.  I have a separate email address I use for communicating with potential matches, and I have it set so my last name doesn't show.  So, until I volunteer the information or am asked for my last name, my matches only know my first name.  Safety first (one of my life mottoes).

I asked about his living situation and he seemed kind of uncomfortable with answering.  He admitted he had a roommate, but didn't talk much more about it.  Having a roommate when living in the bay area is kind of common due to the high housing prices.  I had a roommate too at the time, so didn't really think anything of it.

We finally arrived in Half Moon Bay and found a nice picnic spot on the beach.  We get out of his car, and he pops the trunk to reveal a huge wicker picnic basket, blanket, and table cloth.  

We get to the bench and he sets up - table cloth, actual plates (not paper), actual wine glasses (not plastic) a nice bottle of my favorite kind of wine, meats, cheeses, bread, strawberries, and chocolate for dessert.  We had a lovely lunch and good conversation.  When we finished eating, we put the basket and accoutrements back in the trunk and took a walk on the beach.  We found a nice spot and sat on a tree trunk and talked and kissed a little.  After leaving the beach, he suggested we stop for drinks at the Ritz Carlton!  We pulled up and sat at the bar and had a few drinks.  It was so swanky and kind of romantic!  During the journey back into the City, I probed a little more about his living situation and got out of him that he lives with his ex-girlfriend in a 2-bedroom apartment.  They moved in together and a few months later the relationship ended.  Both of them were on the lease, and neither could afford the apartment without the other, so they decided to keep it together until the lease expired.  We got back into the City around dinner time and extended the date for dinner at a little pizza joint in my neighborhood.  Again, nice conversation an overall good time.  He dropped me at home and we kissed a little in the driveway, and then he left.

Again, we texted and emailed throughout the next weeks, and had several more dates.  We kind of established a pattern of having dinner once during the week, then again once on the weekend.  I planned a few, and he planned a few.  For me, it was starting to become something more than casual dating.  A little more than a month after meeting, he invited me to come down to his apartment to hang out and go to dinner.  I told him I was looking forward to going down there and seeing his place as long as the ex wasn't around.  Turns out she was out of town.  So, over to his place I went.  His place was really great.  Amazing furniture, nicely decorated, very comfortable.  We hung out there for a while, then went to dinner.  We had another lovely meal and good conversation.  I had kind of prepared myself to stay the night, but when it came to it, it felt a little strange, so I opted to drive home.

We continued to text and email.  One thing that I started to notice more and more as time passed was that we never actually spoke on the phone.  I think in the 4 months we were together, we talked on the phone only 3 or 4 times.  Everything was done via text or email.  A few times he texted me and I called him back within 1 minute of receiving the text, and it would go to voicemail.  I thought it strange that he would have literally just texted me and 30 seconds later couldn't answer the phone he just used to text.  I theorized that maybe the ex was around and he couldn't talk freely in front of her, but really had no idea what the underlying factor was as to why we never spoke on the phone.

Our mid-week dates usually took place in SF - that's where he works, and where I live - and were usually on Tuesdays - the day that the ex wanted him not to come home before 8pm so she could have the place to herself.  Strange.  Since she imposed that, he imposed a day for himself on Wednesdays, so I next to never saw him on Wednesdays.  Strange again.

Most of our weekend dates were in SF too.  Sometimes they would involve him coming back to my apartment, which was sometimes awkward with my roommate home.  He never spent the night though, even though he was invited.  Even more strange.  I mentioned it to him once as he was getting ready to leave, and he said "we'll see."  It kind of made me second guess things a little - why wouldn't this guy want to stay over?  Never figured that one out.

We continued to have dates during the week and on the weekends leading up to Christmas.  Picnic grew up very close to where I grew up in Southern California.  We were both going to be down there for Christmas.  On our last date before I left for Southern California, I asked if he would want to get together down South.  The conversation went something like this:

Me: "Thanks for dinner, it was lovely.  So, do you think we will have an opportunity to get together when we are both home for Christmas?"

Picnic: "Um, I think I will be pretty busy with my nephews and family."

Me: "OK, I understand.  Maybe we can talk a little."
Picnic: "Well, cell reception isn't the best where my parents live."

Me: "Really?  OK, well, I guess I'll see you when I get home then."
Picnic: "Ok, we can text though."

Me: "OK, well thanks again for dinner.  See you soon."

Picnic: "You're welcome.  See you soon."

Cell reception doesn't work in Southern California - where does he live, Mars?  Whatever.  I walked back inside and was kind of shaking my head in disbelief a little... 

Anyways, I went home for Christmas.  We texted about 3 or 4 times in the 2 weeks I was gone.  Most of those texts were on New Year's day - me asking how he was, he telling me he was hung over.  Me asking him (jokingly) if he reenacted any parts of the movie "The Hangover", and him not responding to 2 additional texts from me.  Nice.  I drove back to SF on Jan 2nd and was looking forward to seeing Picnic.

He never texted me or called me.  I thought it strange.  About 2 weeks into January, I still hadn't heard from him.  So, I crafted an email and sent it off.  

My email said:

"I'm going out on a limb here and assuming that since I haven't heard back from you since Jan 1 that whatever it is we were doing is done.  It would have been nice if you could have been adult about it and had a conversation with me.  Best of luck to you."  

About a week goes by and nada.  A few days in to the 2nd week after I sent the email, I finally got a response that said:

"I apologize for not writing before now.  My father passed away from a heart attack on the 4th, and I have been here in So Cal since dealing with both the practical and emotional issues.  My sister and brother-in-law help, but they also have to maintain an environment of safety and normalacy for my nephews, so I have had to handle most of the arrangements.  Today is the first day I have actual checked my email since it happened.  This doesn't excuse my not writing - I should have let you know what was going on - but may explain it.  Before the holidays it felt like our relationship was fading, but if you would like to get together in a month or so when I've worked through some of the grief (and from the tone of your email, I suspect that you don't), please let me know.  If not, then I truly do wish you well."

My bad.  His father died and that is terrible and tragic.  Having been through the loss of a parent; I don't wish that on anyone.  But, I really had no idea why between the 1st of January and the 4th when his father passed that he never contacted me...  I tried to justify his silence, but really couldn't figure it out.

I responded to his email with something along the lines of - so sorry for your loss, that is horrible.  Hope you and your family are doing as well as can be expected.  Would have been nice if you could have told me sooner what was going on.  Didn't think our relationship was fading.  Regardless, think that we should go our separate ways.  Good luck in your search.

For me, I'd rather someone just be honest with me.  If you don't want to see me, that is your prerogative.  But don't just disappear without a trace or explanation.  Say something, and be honest about it.  Yes, the truth can sting some, but silence or a bullshit excuse are even worse.  If he would have said "I think our relationship is fading and think it would be best if we stopped seeing each other" that would have been much better than not saying anything at all or saying something after too much time passed.  Sure it would have sucked a little, but you lick your wounds, dust yourself off, and get back up on that horse.

Moral of the story - if things seem fishy, they probably are.  Living with an ex and starting a new relationship, probably not the best idea.  Text-only relationships don't work for me.  Communication - get it, use it, keep it honest.

Until next time!