I wrote one post already on some of my thoughts on on-line dating etiquette (click here to read). I'd like to share a few more thoughts...
J from San Francisco sent me something called an "ice breaker" - it is a way to say "hi" without beginning the formal eHarmony communication process. I reviewed his profile, and was somewhat intrigued. When you receive an ice breaker, you can send another one back, or initiate communication. So, I sent him the initial 5 multiple-choice questions to begin the formal process. He answered the questions, and sent me 5 questions. I responded, and then sent my 10 must haves, and 10 can't stands. These are statements about what you are looking for in a match. For example, a few of mine are:
- "I must have a partner who enjoys people and is generous with his or her compassion, attention, sympathies and love."
- "I must have a partner who is honest and strong enough to do the right thing."
- "I can't stand someone who is always late"
- "I can't stand someone who is obnoxiously cocky.
He then sent me his 10 must haves and can't stands. Then we did the dance with the short-answer questions, and then finally got to the email stage.
He sent me the following email:
HI--how are you? I wanted to open up dialogue and take a peek further into who you are. I must say, there is something very intangible about you that I leads me to want to get to know u better. Do you have green eyes? The pictures are difficult to tell... Also, I prefer to always open up the dialogue with an open question, that I can also answer. So here goes, what's your biggest pet peeves about guys? For me, the biggest pet peeves for girls are when a girl creates drama, is overly 'catty', or when she compares what her friends' boyfriends give them to the love she gets from her boyfriend. Thats very annoying. Looking forward to hearing from you.
I responded the next day with:
HI J, Thanks for your note! I'm doing well this non-rainy Sunday. How about you? Your email peaked my interest. What do you think about me is intangible? I have hazel eyes - some days they are more green and some days they are more brown. I've found that it depends a little on my mood, what I'm wearing, and the light I'm in... My biggest pet peeve about guys (or anyone) is non-responsiveness. (I wrote more, but won't bore you with it here).
He responded later that day with "Did you get my previous response? I wrote it while on my phone but have no idea if it showed up--I don't like eharmony's email system btw. I responded with my thoughts on your response,which were very thoughtful."
I let him know his "previous" response didn't come through. Then 5 days go by and nothing. We corresponded 2 more times, he asked for my personal email address, I provided it, and still nada. I can see that he's looked at my profile several times since the last correspondence, but still nada. Guess what J, I've closed you out.
I had a similar experience with another guy, R from San Carlos. He initiated communication with me. We went through the whole guided communication process. Got to the email stage. Exchanged a few notes. He seemed to always take 3-4 days to respond. We exchanged personal email addresses. I sent him a note to his personal email. He responded 4 days later, and asked if I would like to meet in person and asked for my phone number. I said, yes, I'd be up for meeting, and provided my number. About 4 days later he responded and said he'd "try" to give me a ring that night. Two weeks passed, and no call or email. Guess what R, you've been closed out too.
Yet another guy, H from San Ramon, did the same. He sent an ice breaker to me. I looked at his profile, was a little curious. I started the communication process. Half way through, he sent a request asking to go straight to email. I accepted. So, he sent me an email. No joke, this is what he sent "a cup of coffee?" Seriously. I responded with "Hi there H, I don't actually drink coffee or caffeine, but tea works..." He replied with "Hi, tea sounds good." I wrote back with:
you are a man of few words...
Tell me a little more about yourself...
* from the Bay area? If no, where are you from?
* how long have you been here?
* large family?
* pets?
* where did you go to school?
* are you doing what you love?
* what brought you to the bay area?
* hobbies?
* chocolate, vanilla, or mint-n-chip?
* favorite vacation spot?
No response. Nada. Zilch.
Ok, so, am I missing something here? You initiate communication with a person. You ask that person out (or mostly ask that person out), and then nothing? Correct me if I'm wrong here, but on-line dating, or any type of dating for that matter, usually involves a date, right? Especially if you've asked a person out to meet in person.
I get it that sometimes life can get in the way. We get busy. Things come up. You may lose interest. Ok. All normal things that can and do happen to everyone. I guess, going back to my first etiquette post - just be an adult and follow-up and if you don't want to meet and you want to rescind your offer of a date, just say so. It's not that hard or scary. You can do it in email. No actual conversation needs to take place. A simple note that says "I don't think this is a good match, good luck." Or "I've met someone else and want to pursue that. Good luck." Or "Upon further contemplation, I'm not sure I do want to meet in person, good luck." Whatever, just say something. Treat people the way you'd like to be treated. If you like non-responsiveness, the inability to follow-through, or not being dependable, then I don't think I want to know you anyway. Good luck in YOUR search.
Until next time...
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