A little old-timey dating adventure

So, I was talking with my 91-year-old grandmother the other day (we'll call her Orchid), and I asked her how she met my grandfather - my dad's dad.  Oh, what a dating adventure.  Orchid came to Los Angeles from the East Coast on the open invitation of her uncle.  She took him up on his invitation in the mid 1950s.  She arrived in Los Angeles on one of the hottest summer days in some time.  She ended up liking it in Los Angeles so much that she had her mother send out the rest of her clothes.

Orchid lived on the East Side (i.e. not the Valley), and was seeing a boy.  They broke up around the holidays.  One of Orchid's friends invited her to a holiday dinner to help bring her mood up.  She arrived at the friend's apartment, and met a guy at the party - I'll call him Pillow.  They talked some, and he ended up taking her home that evening.  He asked if he could take her out on a proper date another time.  Orchid agreed, and they went out on a Saturday relatively soon after they met.  Pillow picked her up, they had a drink or 2 at her apartment, and then they went to a Spanish food restaurant.  Orchid was looking to having paella for dinner.  She had been to actual Spain and really liked the dish.  So, they had a drink at the bar and then were seated for dinner.  The menus were quite large, and when you opened them, you couldn't see over them.  The waiter came over to take their order.  Orchid ordered the paella, and then when it was Pillow's turn, she asked what he would eat.  No answer.  She put her menu down, and asked again.  No answer.  Then she pulled away the huge menu and found Pillow passed out cold with his head on the table.  Literally unconscious.  On the first date.

The Maître D' told Orchid that he couldn't have a passed out patron at the restaurant.  So, they helped Orchid get Pillow outside.  They sat him down on the curb and she brought Pillow's car around.  They got Pillow into the car, and she headed to the Valley.  She had never been to the Valley before, so she really hadn't the faintest idea as to where she was going.  She decided to drive on the San Diego Freeway (aka the 405) to the Valley, get off at the first offramp and go to a gas station to ask for directions to Pillow's house.  She got there safely, and by that time Pillow started to come to.  They sat in the car for a few minutes, then Orchid said she'd go in and make him some coffee.  As she was getting out of the car, Pillow let her know he wasn't a coffee drinker.  He got out of the car and accompanied her into his house.  And, proceeded to puke his guts out in the bathroom and pass out on the bathroom floor.  Orchid sat on the couch, watched some TV, read the paper, and then was wracking her brain on how to get home.  She considered taking his car and then bringing it back the next day.  Right before she was ready to leave, Pillow emerged from the bathroom feeling better and ended up driving her home.  The cause of the unconscious, puking Pillow was that he couldn't hold his liquor.  He was a total lightweight.

I imagine the scene of the passed out Pillow at the restaurant like this, but only in reverse.

She apparently wasn't scared away by that and kept on dating him, and some years later, they married.  I was laughing as she recounted this story to me.  You can have adventures in dating at any age in any era.

An Interesting Way to Meet a Wife, part 2

Hello, so quite a while ago I wrote about how a work colleague met his wife when he worked for a firm selling stocks by cold calling people.  One of the people he cold called ended up becoming his wife!

Recently, I learned that a friend of mine, we'll call him Superman, met his wife in another interesting way - on Instagram.  I'm sure he isn't the first person to meet a significant other on social media, but the story is so cute!  Superman used to live in San Francisco, and several years ago, moved down to Southern California.  A little while after he moved down there, I started seeing posts from him on FaceBook with a girl - and I thought, "Good for him!"  He's a great guy, super smart, great job, amazing zest for life.

Then I saw a post with him and his girlfriend, and she had a diamond ring on her finger!  I was super excited for him!  Then, there were subsequent posts about his wedding and all of the festivities.  A few weeks ago, I was having dinner with a San Francisco friend of mine, and she told me how Superman and his now wife met, and sent me a link to the article she (the wife) wrote about it in the LA Times!

Turns out that Mrs. Superman knew Superman from their hometown in Mexico - Superman was friends with Mrs. Superman's sister when she was 10 and he was probably around 18.  Mr. Superman had "liked" one of Mrs. Superman's posts on Instagram, and that set about events that ultimately led to them getting married!

I love a good love story, and this is no exception.  Check it out on the LA Times' website HERE.

Until next time...

Love and Pizza

So, I was driving home the other night after work - February 25 - listening to NPR, and segment on MarketPlace called "The Transaction" came on.  I don't know that I've heard this segment before, but it totally caught (and held) my attention.

This is a story about Marcos Menendez, a Pizza Hut delivery guy in El Paso, TX.  I'll summarize for you:  Marcos was delivering pizzas on a random Friday night, and his last delivery was to a house where a small kid grabbed the pizza from him at the front door, and a magnificently beautiful girl came to the door to pay for the pizza.  Marcos was immediately smitten, but feeling rather self conscious wearing his standard and frightfully unappealing Pizza Hut uniform.  He was speechless.  When he got back into his car he thought, "Man, I wish I had a girlfriend like her."

A few weeks later, Marcos' boss at Pizza Hut was getting married and his fiancé invited Marcos to the wedding.  The fiancé said to Marcos, "There's a friend, her name is Maru, you delivered a pizza to her home and she wants to meet you."

Seriously - this happened to Marcos.

Marcos went to the wedding, formally met Maru, and has now been married to her for 15 years.

This story is so sweet and touching and heart warming - I just loved it.  You never know where you will find love, how you will find it, or if you will find it.  Sometimes it just finds you!

You can read the full story here.  I suggest listening to the segment - hearing Marcos' voice tell his tale is even better.  It is 3 minutes 12 seconds - click the arrow icon at the top of the page.  I bet you'll love it too.

Pay it forward!

I'm on a roll tonight...  A friend of mine, Improv, has embarked on her on-line dating adventures.

She met a guy on Match.com late last year, and dated him for a few months.  She brought him along to my birthday picnic, and our little group of friends got the opportunity to meet him.  I'll call him Quiet-Passive-Aggressive of QPA for short.  He seemed nice enough, but didn't actually say much for the entire picnic.

Improv liked him and he seemed to like her.  He came (alone) to one of her improv shows, which was sweet.  We all liked him, but it was hard to get to know him.  He is super quiet and shy and awkward in social situations.  He would kind of stand off to the side and watch - a little voyeuristic (and border line creepy), in my opinion.

Improv and QPA were going out for several months, but then something changed.  He got more passive aggressive with her - he would only want to do what he wanted to do.  Any time Improv suggested something, and he didn't want to do it, he would say no, and then suggest something he wanted to do - with no attention paid to what Improv wanted to do.  Then he would get mad when Improv didn't want to do what he wanted to do.  Things went around in this little passive-aggressive circle for a while until Improv was over it.

She made dinner plans with him to cut him loose.  The conversation was brief, and when she was done telling QPA she was done with him, he had the balls to ask if Improv could set the stage for him to ask one of Improv's friends out.

Seriously.  QPA wanted Improv to pay him forward.  I'm all for paying things forward, even in the dating arena, but with QPA, ummmmm, No.  Bye bye.

Hello, my name is...

Yes, it's been a while...

I had lunch with PM last weekend and she was telling me that after her hiatus from on-line dating, she was inspired by a friend to go back on Tinder.  Her friend was showing her all of the guys she's been dating and talking about the good luck she's having.

PM got re-inspired and downloaded the app, and started swiping.  She came upon a guy who lives in Emeryville who is a teacher at the culinary academy in Napa.  He is age-appropriate and good looking - 2 positives.  PM decided that on this Tinder journey that she wouldn't be the one to reach out to anyone who was a match with her - she was going to put the ball in the guy's court.

So, PM matched with Cooking Teacher and he reached out.  They chatted through the app for a while, then switched to regular text (and texted for about 2 hours), then they had a phone call - and this was all taking place on one Saturday morning.  He asked her out - they were going to go bowling and dinner on Sunday (the following day) - this was arranged by text.  Then when they spoke on the phone later on Saturday morning, Cooking Teacher asked if PM would be opposed to going wine tasting and dinner in Napa - of course she wasn't opposed to that.

They spoke about what they are looking for (in terms of dating) and they both seemed to be on the same page - wanted to take things slow, not looking for a one night stand or a fling, etc. etc.  All good things!

I was super excited for PM for Sunday & her date with Cooking Teacher.  I was surprised when I got a text from her Sunday morning, "Too good to be true usually is.  Dude texted me last night but I was at dinner.  10 min after his last text I called him back (around 10pm), no answer, to VM.  This AM he unmatched me.  No word from him.  Text aren't being delivered.  Scam!  And this is why I am so skeptical.  Ugh."

Seriously, this shit is crazy.  If you are on a dating app, you usually have to go on dates.  People - stop screwing around and hijacking pictures of someone who you'd like to be in a perfect world and using them for your fake on-line profile.  All you are doing is selling yourself short and causing unnecessary pain and strife to good people who are just trying to meet a mate.  This is called Catfishing, and it needs to stop.

Catfish is a show on MTV, now in it's 5th season - so, yeah, this shit happens A LOT.  People - get a clue.  Be yourself.  Stop impersonating others.  Own who you actually are in REALITY.

When is Enough Enough?

So, a friend of mine, PM, is on a self-professed "emotional roller coaster" having to do with, yep you guessed it, a guy.  This roller coaster has been going on for a little over a month, and is driving her insane.  The guy recently broke up with a girl, and isn't dealing well with the break-up.  Enter PM who is trying to be a friend to him, and has found that she has developed feelings that go beyond friendship.  The guy is also feeling these "feelings" but his behavior is saying otherwise.  He clearly is in no place to enter into a new relationship as evidenced by his atrocious behavior.  I don't need to go into all of the gory details, I'll give it to you in a nutshell.  Guy calls PM, begs her to "come over."  She protests, he begs, she relents and goes over.  Finds guy drunk and/or passed out.  He wakes up, they argue.  She leaves.  He calls and apologies.  Begs her to come over, she protests, he begs, she relents.  Rinse and repeat.  A lot.

So, my questions are:

• when is enough enough?
• how do you get your brain and heart to get on the same page?
• why do you keep doing something you know is clearly not good?
• how do you turn off hope of building something with someone?
• how do you look at a person for who they are now versus their potential to be someone/something great?

As I was talking with PM and listening to her describe her emotional roller coaster, I started reliving my own 8-month long emotional roller coaster with Chef.  I felt exactly how she is feeling.  I knew things weren't good with Chef, but I couldn't let go.  I knew I deserved better, but I couldn't let go.  I knew I shouldn't let him take advantage of my emotions, but I did.  I knew I should have walked away 6 months sooner, but I didn't.  I stuck around in a passive-aggressive, emotionally abusive relationship for about 8 months.  That is 8 months too long.

About a month into our "relationship" my head knew it wasn't going to be good, but my heart hoped otherwise.  I couldn't bring my head to overpower my heart and get me out of the situation.  My heart was so full of hope that it overpowered my brain and what my head knew was best.  My heart was full of hope for a boyfriend, for love, for a relationship, for a partner and it completely shattered my brain and common sense that things were not going in the right direction with this person.  But I couldn't bring my head and my heart onto the same page.  So, I stayed in the "relationship" and was sad, mad, hurt, ignored, frustrated, confused, the list goes on and on and doesn't include any happy words.

Every time I thought I was done, a week later he would call or text, and give me back a glimmer of hope and I would be back in it because I had hope again.  The same thing happened every few weeks.  I would be done.  He would finally call.  Hope came back and I couldn't walk away.  Time and again.  For far far far far far too long.  (I call this conundrum the Blessing and Curse of Hope and Potential.)  I tried putting a rubber band on my wrist and snapping it every time I thought about him, or had the urge to call or text him.  I wanted to associate pain with Chef.  It sort of worked, until it didn't.  Finally, FINALLY, I had had enough.  Chef wouldn't return my texts, calls, or emails.  He simply wouldn't respond in any way, shape, or form.  I forced the issue and like a crazy stalker, I went to the restaurant that he "owned."  I called the restaurant phone number and asked to talk to him.  He got on the phone and asked what I wanted.  I told him we needed to talk.  He said he couldn't right then but that if I came back in an hour, we could have a conversation.  So, I left and returned an hour later.  He wasn't there.  He left because of an "emergency" at his other restaurant.  I texted and told him we needed to talk.  He said he'd "call me later."  I never got a call from him.  That was my line in the sand.  Enough was finally enough.  I was done.

I can't say definitively what brought about my done-ness.  It simply came.  Enough was enough.  I guess I had too much tolerance for crap, and my enough came far too late.  PM coached me through many tearful conversations about Chef.  She told me to walk away, to cut him loose, etc., etc.  She knew he was treating me horribly, she knew I deserved better and told me as much on many occasions.  My head knew she was right, but my heart wasn't ready to give up hope. 

So, how is it that we can see this when we look from the outside in, but when we are on the inside looking out we totally ignore our own advice?

I guess we are gluttons for our own punishment and we have to find our own line in the sand.  Some people get to it sooner than others.  I only hope that PM finds that line ASAP.  It is no bueno to be in any relationship where there is only take and no give.  You should never doubt your actions and your worth because another person isn't treating you well.  It is time to slap your heart and get it in line with your head.

Eeeewwwwww

So, a friend of mine emailed me this article the other day.  He is a great (single) guy, and has offered to share some of his own stories with me for this blog, but sadly hasn't yet.  But he appreciates a good and funny story, and can appreciate the horrors, comedy, stress, excitement, and fun in dating.

He sent a story he read on Gizmodo.

This and several other dating horror stories were posted in response to this article on Valentine's day asking people to share their worst on-line dating stories.  While all of the stories were horrific, I think this one stands out from the others.  Here it is for you in all of its gloriously creepy detail:

So I have a rule for myself that if anyone asks me out, and they aren't clearly unstable and I am currently single, then I owe them at least a date. It takes a lot of courage to ask someone out, especially if you're a girl, and you can't judge people that quickly, so it doesn't hurt me to go out with them once. So when this girl on PoF asked me out, I said yes, even though she wanted to meet me 45 minutes away from where I was staying. 

So I try to be safe about these things, because while someone might not clearly be unstable, they might just be unstable, so I meet them in a crowded place first. So we met in the Borders near where we were going to go eat. She was 30 minutes late, but called me to tell me its because her power went out, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. 

So she shows up, and I'm not shallow, but it was a struggle not to audibly gasp when i saw her. She was easily 60-70 lbs heavier than she was in her photo (which was shot from above and in the dark, and clearly from 8 years ago). She was wearing what was clearly children's dime store makeup which was flaking off, she was very much balding, and she walked with a significant limp. 

So okay, maybe her personality is brilliant. Don't judge don't judge don't judge. We talk for 5 minutes, she apologizes for being late and we go eat. So issue 1: she orders a LOT of expensive food. I don't think anything of paying, even when I'm with friends but I immediately took her up on her offer to go Dutch. Issue 2: We really quickly got on the topic of sex, which I thought was odd, and I said that I like to think that I'm open to anything, but some stuff I consider weird like furries, and I couldn't even try because I'd be laughing too hard. She then tells me that the way she has been making her living for the past several years is she goes to anime and furry conventions and draws pictures of patrons as animals with their junk out. So yeah. 

Issue everything: Things spiral from here, and she tells me all these things unprovoked. I'm glad she was honest about them though. So she had been with this guy for the past 2 years. A YEAR before they broke up, she found out that he was having sex with his dog. So yeah. She stayed with him for a YEAR after finding out he was banging the dog. She did not emphasize this point, my BRAIN did, and it would not let it go. So his dog was not a lady dog, it was a boy dog. He was having homosexual dog sex. The part where it crossed the line for her and she decided to leave the relationship was because she found out that her boyfriend was the bottom. Apparently getting fucked BY the dog is her line, much like wearing animal costumes and making zebra noises is mine.  

And I'm ready to go home. She says she's had a good time, would like to see me again, and goes in for the hug. Not wanting to be rude, I hugged her back, and because she was wearing a strapless shirt (not attractive, btw) the insides of my arms touched her bare shoulders. I got home and changed my email address and PoF account, went to bed. The next evening the insides of my arms were RIDDLED with ringworm. Ringworm, by the way, commonly transferred from dogs and cats. Which I now suspect she was fucking.

I really try not to judge people, and I try to be pretty open, but I have my limits. I have since learned to make those limits more clear to other people. I hope you learn from my mistakes as well.

I've had many adventures, but none as adventurous as this.  As I got further and further into the story, it kept getting crazier and crazier until the end was just so outlandishly freaky and crazy that I was literally laughing out loud.

I keep wondering where all of the more normal people are.  A friend of mine, PM, met a guy on Tinder recently.  This guy is in his 40s, has a normal job, and seemed normal.  Then, for who knows what reason, sent her a naked picture of himself in the shower (from the waist up), and said "want to go out?"  PM said no and deleted him.  What is the thought process that a person goes through that leads them to the conclusion that sending a somewhat naked picture of themselves to a person they've never met in person would result in getting a date?  It may result in getting a one night stand, but an actual date with a person they want to get to know and date?  Um, no (at least not for the people I know).

I'm all for letting your freak flag fly.  But some flags are just too freaky for me.