Video games and girls

So, a friend of mine posted a little blurb on Facebook the other day that made me laugh out loud, quite literally.

So, guys - if the majority of your conversation is about playing video games, tactics for the game, and you're totally serious about it, please wake up - this is probably not conversation that is going to attract and keep around non-video game-playing-girls.  If your goal is to find a like-minded video gaming-girl, keep doing what you're doing and hunt that gamer girl down - she'll be totally awesome, as all girls are.

But if you want a girl (any kind of girl), and I'm guessing you do based on the last sentence my friend overheard, you may want to reevaluate what you are talking about and where you are putting your efforts.  Are you focusing too much on your game?  Or are you getting your head into the game - the dating game - to find the girl of your dreams?

I'm not saying that you still can't play video games, or that you still can't talk about playing video games.  But what I am saying is that if you want a girl (any type of girl), you'll have to expand your horizons some and spend some of your time actually looking for her.  Maybe you can talk about the tactics of meeting girls with your bros.  Here's an idea - think of this as a video game - to win the game you need to meet a girl, IRL.  

Talk about those tactics.

Then, execute.

Love and Pizza

So, I was driving home the other night after work - February 25 - listening to NPR, and segment on MarketPlace called "The Transaction" came on.  I don't know that I've heard this segment before, but it totally caught (and held) my attention.

This is a story about Marcos Menendez, a Pizza Hut delivery guy in El Paso, TX.  I'll summarize for you:  Marcos was delivering pizzas on a random Friday night, and his last delivery was to a house where a small kid grabbed the pizza from him at the front door, and a magnificently beautiful girl came to the door to pay for the pizza.  Marcos was immediately smitten, but feeling rather self conscious wearing his standard and frightfully unappealing Pizza Hut uniform.  He was speechless.  When he got back into his car he thought, "Man, I wish I had a girlfriend like her."

A few weeks later, Marcos' boss at Pizza Hut was getting married and his fiancé invited Marcos to the wedding.  The fiancé said to Marcos, "There's a friend, her name is Maru, you delivered a pizza to her home and she wants to meet you."

Seriously - this happened to Marcos.

Marcos went to the wedding, formally met Maru, and has now been married to her for 15 years.

This story is so sweet and touching and heart warming - I just loved it.  You never know where you will find love, how you will find it, or if you will find it.  Sometimes it just finds you!

You can read the full story here.  I suggest listening to the segment - hearing Marcos' voice tell his tale is even better.  It is 3 minutes 12 seconds - click the arrow icon at the top of the page.  I bet you'll love it too.

Panda's Adventure - part 1

So, after much contemplation, preparation, and angst, Panda has finally decided to jump on the on-line dating train.  I am so excited for her!  I have been encouraging and trying to coax her into doing this for several years now, but in typical Panda fashion, and typical normal-person fashion, she had to come around to this on her own.

Last Christmas, I went to see the Secret Life of Walter Mitty with my husband and parents.  Not only was this one of the sweetest and most heartfelt movies that I have seen in a long time, the subject matter was so appropriate for Panda's on-line dating journey.  Walter Mitty (played by Ben Stiller) is a multifaceted, complex, extremely interesting guy, but he's also very shy and sometimes lives in his own extremely adventurous, but imaginary world.  He becomes enamored with a woman at work, but can't bring himself to talk to her in person.  So, he joins eHarmony, and tries to leave the girl a "wink".  But the system won't let him because his profile is incomplete.  Through a series of very funny phone calls with "Todd" at eHarmony, we learn that Walter hasn't done anything in life that is worthy of listing on his eHarmony profile.  But as the movie progresses, Walter begins to have a wonderful real-life in the flesh adventure very worthy of putting in his profile.  And, he gets the courage to talk to the woman at work.  I don't want to give too much away, but you should watch this movie.  I absolutely loved it.  Trailer here. 

When Panda called me a few months ago to talk about taking the plunge into on-line dating, I asked her to watch this movie, because Walter is basically her.  Panda has spent a tremendous amount of time working on herself - she has her dream job.  She's traveled a ton.  She bought her dream house and created her dream garden there.  She's tried all sorts of activities that, even 10 years ago, she wouldn't be caught dead doing - ziplining, snow boarding, ocean kayaking, indoor rock climbing, flying trapeze, camping with friends, etc., etc.  She has herself in order.  Now she is ready to invite someone to share her life with.

Her thought process was that she would possibly meet someone (a man) while doing all of these activities.  She managed to meet an age inappropriate man on the boat to Catalina.  But otherwise meeting guys while doing her activities was an unfortunate bust.

So, this brings us back to her calling me a few months ago to get some more encouragement to move forward with on-line dating.  Panda likes to be in control of things, and opening herself up to meeting strangers and having strangers be all up in her business was a scary thing for her to wrap her brain around.  I gather it is a somewhat scary thing for most normal people to wrap their heads around too.  I mean, you are meeting strangers on-line, then giving them your phone number, email address, and in some cases, your physical address.  Not exactly things to be taken lightly.  But at the same time, you can't live your whole life in an insulated bubble either.

I explained to her that she can divulge as much or as little information at her discretion to the people she meets.  She can take things slowly.  She can control where and when she meets a person.  And, that I would be with her all along the way to offer moral support, emotional support, and also to give her a swift kick in the ass.  I did on-line dating, a lot, and in the end it really worked out spectacularly for me - I met my husband on eHarmony in February 2011, and we were married in October 2013.

Panda did a ton of research (in typical Panda fashion) to see which sites / apps she would want to try and she has settled on OkCupid and also eHarmony, with perhaps a little Match.com on the side a little later this summer.  She sent me the beginnings of her profile, which I helped her jazz up a little (by adding some more of her personality into it).  And, off she went!

She sent me some highlights from her first week on OkCupid.  I guess I'm not shocked at the responses and communications she has received so far.  Guys - if you are reading - show the girl that you have at least read part of the girl's profile.  Be original.  Use proper punctuation, sentences, and grammar.  Put in some effort. 

Hi. .aren't you cute!

It is clear this guy didn't put any effort whatsoever into his note to Panda. 

_

Happy Monday! amazing eyes and smile :) hope u will have an awesome day , and we can talk soon :)

This one is slightly better.  But, come on, spell out words - is it that difficult to include a "y" and "o" to spell you?

_

I'm definitely interested in knowing you. Did you have a good weekend? What did u do? :)

Again with the "u".   Maybe this one could elaborate on why he is interested in knowing Panda.  Was it something she wrote in her profile?  Her "amazing eyes and smile" that the other guy commented on?

_

WHAT A WOMAN!!!!
Sorry. That was my first impression. I'm just saying, you've set the bar very high for the other women out there.

Your admirer,
B.

 It is a nice sentiment to tell Panda she's set the bar high for the other women out there.  But does this guy want to meet her?  Talk more with her?  What?  It is unclear from his note what his intentions are.

_

"You're so pretty even a blind man can see it!"

OK, there's the obligatory cheesy line. Yes, I am legally blind. I really just wanted to say "Hi" and see if we could start a conversation and see where it goes. Obviously you caught my "eye."

This one gets points for being somewhat funny.

_

ok, i have to admit that i originally read this, "Putting bandaids on cats". and i was like whoa, that has got to be really difficult. but then i re-read it as "cuts". either way, your profile sounds really cool. i'm always looking for new adventures in my life esp. as they relate to flying to another country. so, what was your favorite vacation ever and why?

I liked this one.  It shows that he actually read her profile.  He's trying to engage with her, and ask her questions.  However, needs some work on the proper capitalization.

_

You have gorgeous hair!
So I know my age might be a problem but I hope you can see past it. Mi think we have many things in common :)
Anyways what's a beautiful girl like you going on this site?

Maybe he could tell her why she should see past his age - is he well traveled, an old soul, does he have some life experience that makes him wise for his age (Panda told me he was like 25 or something - which is on the young side for her to be dating).  And maybe he could check his spelling.


Regardless of the quality or quantity of responses Panda is getting, she is challenging herself to partake in perhaps the greatest adventure of her life - the quest for love!

I got a follow-up email from her yesterday with the profile of a guy that she has started corresponding with.  He is age appropriate, employed, and seems to share some of the same interests and values as Panda.  I'm so curious to see how things progress with this one.

At the end of her email to me, Panda wrote, "Still not sure of this whole online dating thing but I will keep working on it. It certainly sucks a lot of time."

It certainly does suck a lot of time.  But all good things usually do!

Can't wait for the next installment from Panda!

Eeeewwwwww

So, a friend of mine emailed me this article the other day.  He is a great (single) guy, and has offered to share some of his own stories with me for this blog, but sadly hasn't yet.  But he appreciates a good and funny story, and can appreciate the horrors, comedy, stress, excitement, and fun in dating.

He sent a story he read on Gizmodo.

This and several other dating horror stories were posted in response to this article on Valentine's day asking people to share their worst on-line dating stories.  While all of the stories were horrific, I think this one stands out from the others.  Here it is for you in all of its gloriously creepy detail:

So I have a rule for myself that if anyone asks me out, and they aren't clearly unstable and I am currently single, then I owe them at least a date. It takes a lot of courage to ask someone out, especially if you're a girl, and you can't judge people that quickly, so it doesn't hurt me to go out with them once. So when this girl on PoF asked me out, I said yes, even though she wanted to meet me 45 minutes away from where I was staying. 

So I try to be safe about these things, because while someone might not clearly be unstable, they might just be unstable, so I meet them in a crowded place first. So we met in the Borders near where we were going to go eat. She was 30 minutes late, but called me to tell me its because her power went out, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. 

So she shows up, and I'm not shallow, but it was a struggle not to audibly gasp when i saw her. She was easily 60-70 lbs heavier than she was in her photo (which was shot from above and in the dark, and clearly from 8 years ago). She was wearing what was clearly children's dime store makeup which was flaking off, she was very much balding, and she walked with a significant limp. 

So okay, maybe her personality is brilliant. Don't judge don't judge don't judge. We talk for 5 minutes, she apologizes for being late and we go eat. So issue 1: she orders a LOT of expensive food. I don't think anything of paying, even when I'm with friends but I immediately took her up on her offer to go Dutch. Issue 2: We really quickly got on the topic of sex, which I thought was odd, and I said that I like to think that I'm open to anything, but some stuff I consider weird like furries, and I couldn't even try because I'd be laughing too hard. She then tells me that the way she has been making her living for the past several years is she goes to anime and furry conventions and draws pictures of patrons as animals with their junk out. So yeah. 

Issue everything: Things spiral from here, and she tells me all these things unprovoked. I'm glad she was honest about them though. So she had been with this guy for the past 2 years. A YEAR before they broke up, she found out that he was having sex with his dog. So yeah. She stayed with him for a YEAR after finding out he was banging the dog. She did not emphasize this point, my BRAIN did, and it would not let it go. So his dog was not a lady dog, it was a boy dog. He was having homosexual dog sex. The part where it crossed the line for her and she decided to leave the relationship was because she found out that her boyfriend was the bottom. Apparently getting fucked BY the dog is her line, much like wearing animal costumes and making zebra noises is mine.  

And I'm ready to go home. She says she's had a good time, would like to see me again, and goes in for the hug. Not wanting to be rude, I hugged her back, and because she was wearing a strapless shirt (not attractive, btw) the insides of my arms touched her bare shoulders. I got home and changed my email address and PoF account, went to bed. The next evening the insides of my arms were RIDDLED with ringworm. Ringworm, by the way, commonly transferred from dogs and cats. Which I now suspect she was fucking.

I really try not to judge people, and I try to be pretty open, but I have my limits. I have since learned to make those limits more clear to other people. I hope you learn from my mistakes as well.

I've had many adventures, but none as adventurous as this.  As I got further and further into the story, it kept getting crazier and crazier until the end was just so outlandishly freaky and crazy that I was literally laughing out loud.

I keep wondering where all of the more normal people are.  A friend of mine, PM, met a guy on Tinder recently.  This guy is in his 40s, has a normal job, and seemed normal.  Then, for who knows what reason, sent her a naked picture of himself in the shower (from the waist up), and said "want to go out?"  PM said no and deleted him.  What is the thought process that a person goes through that leads them to the conclusion that sending a somewhat naked picture of themselves to a person they've never met in person would result in getting a date?  It may result in getting a one night stand, but an actual date with a person they want to get to know and date?  Um, no (at least not for the people I know).

I'm all for letting your freak flag fly.  But some flags are just too freaky for me.

The Blessing and Curse of Hope and Potential

So, my friends PM and Panda are going through some rough patches right now.  I wrote a little about Panda's past challenges here.  And one of PM's adventures here.  Both of their current rough patches, in my opinion at least, have to do with the blessing and curse of hope and potential.

I've been thinking about this topic for a few months now and since I talked independently with PM and Panda about their situations.  Then, the other night, I was surfing channels on TV and that movie (from 2009) "He's Just Not That Into You" was on.  There is a scene in it where the Ginnifer Goodwin character "Gigi" is talking to the Jennifer Aniston and Jennifer Connelly characters.  Gigi was explaining a revelation she had from when she talked with the Justin Long character, "Alex", the night before.  He explained to Gigi that generally in the dating world, there is the "exception" and the "rule."  There will always be someone who you know thrice removed who held out hope for something/someone, who, in the end, gets that something/someone of her/his dreams.  That person is the "exception."  Normal people are the "rule" where that something/someone of their dreams never becomes something they get.  Gigi tries to explain this to the Jennifer characters:

Gigi: I think I've figured it out. Remember when I went out with that notary public and he cheated on me and then Anastasia from upstairs told me about how her boyfriend cheated on her in the beginning then he totally changed and now they're married and crazy in love?
Beth: I thought that guy was a process server.
Gigi: No, notary. Anyway my point is, Anastasia is the exception, not the rule. We have to stop listening to these stories because the rule is most guys who cheat on you up front don't really care about you very much.
Janine: Ok.
Gigi: Ok, Ok. Exhibit A. Chad the drummer who lived in a storage space. He only used me for rides and yet I continued to stalk him for most of 1998. Then oh, um, there was Don, that broke up with me every Friday so that he could have his weekends free. I was delusional about that relationship. I used to refer to him as my husband to random people, like my dental hygienist. Anyway, all my friends used to tell me about how things might work out with these dipsticks because they knew someone, who knew someone, who dated a dipstick just like mine. That girl ended up getting married and living happily ever after. That's the exception and we're not the exception we're the rule.

This concept of the "exception" and the "rule" somewhat go along with my feelings on the blessings and curses of hope and potential.

I am not immune to the blessing and curse of hope and potential.  They have bitten me in the ass on more than one occasion and in more than one part of life (not just in dating).  I am the eternally hopeful person.  I hope with all of the hope that exists that things turn out the way I hope them to.  I see potential in places sometimes where there is absolutely zero, nada, zilch potential.  But I am too hopeful (and stubborn) to give up on that potential and hope.  Because what if I am right in my hope and vision of potential?  If I walk away, then I will never know the outcome.  But if I stick around and wait, I could be waiting forever and wasting time.  It is a vicious circle of hope and potential.

Very soon after I moved to San Francisco and was going to college full-time, I met this guy I will refer to as Cornholio (yes, Cornholio from Beavis and Butthead).  Cornholio was one of the things this guy would say at random times, and he actually really loved watching Beavis and Butthead, much to my chagrin.  Anyway, from the minute I met Cornholio, I had an instant crush on him.  We became friends, and started hanging out outside of school.  He would tell me that he was really interested in this other girl from one of his classes and that he wanted to "get" with her.  She was short, skinny, and had large boobs.  He described her attributes in much more vulgar language which I will save you from, but use your imagination.  She would hang out with him and drink with him, and tease him and give him no play.  Me, on the other hand, I was willing to give him some play, but he wasn't interested.  I could see the potential in this guy:  he was smart, funny, easy to talk to, educated, employed, thoughtful, etc., etc.  But, and this is kind of huge, he was sexist, offensive, vulgar, childish, rude, mean, and annoying.  All things I was willing (and did) overlook because I was hopeful that he would realize his potential to be a great guy (and boyfriend and, just possibly, husband).

A few months after we met, we went out for New Years Eve with a group of his friends.  We tried to get into a club (didn't work), so we ended up at a pizza joint eating dinner at midnight.  Right when the clock struck 12, he grabbed me at the table (surrounded by his friends) and planted a big kiss on my lips.  I was totally taken by surprise.  I was not expecting to make out with him at a table surrounded by his friends.  I was hoping for kissing - and look, it just came true!, but I was not expecting it to happen that way.

A few weeks later, we went out for a dinner date.  He had just had his wisdom teeth out, so his mouth was quite sore.  After dinner, we were walking around my neighborhood looking in the shop windows.  He was holding my hand, and it felt very romantic at the time.  Near the end of our date, he remarked that he really wanted to kiss me right then, but he couldn't because his mouth was too sore.  I replied that he knew what he was missing, and that it was his loss.  It was fun flirty banter.  But it went nowhere.  He didn't kiss me that night.  When we both got home, he called me.  In a nutshell he said that he knew I liked him.  And that he was pretty certain that I knew he liked me.  But that he didn't want a relationship with me because he liked me too much.  He said that he didn't want to date me because we would inevitably break up and then he would have to hate me and he didn't want to hate me because he liked me too much.

Yes.  Seriously.  He admitted that he liked me, but he didn't want to date me because he liked me too much.  What kind of illogical logic is that?  So, I took some time to reflect, and somehow was able to turn off my romantic feelings for him and stay friends with him (while still being secretly hopeful that maybe things would change).  Throughout our friendship there was always a casual flirtation.  We hung out a lot - went to movies, went out to dinner, went to parties, had weekend breakfasts, etc.  When we hung out just he and I, he always had some reason to touch me - he would put his arm around me when we were waiting in line, he would put his hand on my foot when we were on the couch watching TV.  A few of my girlfriends suggested that I was like a girlfriend for him, but without of any of the sexual benefits.  I was still holding onto a little bit of hope that he would recognize his potential and turn into a good (and actual) boyfriend (with benefits).  That never happened.

We made out on another occasion about 5 years after the New Years kiss.  It was a Thursday night and I was leaving town for the weekend the following day.  When I got back into town, we talked on the phone.  I asked what he thought about what happened on Thursday night.  He asked what I was talking about.  I told him I was talking about the fact that we made out and he asked if we could have sex.  He was like, "Oh, that..."  I said, "Yes, that.  So what do you think about that?"  He said, "We would never work."  I said, "Why not?"  He said, "Because you don't like my brother."  I said, "I don't dislike your brother, and what does that have to do with us being together?"  He said, "Well, you don't like my friends."  I said, "I don't dislike your friends.  I happen to think some of them are lazy, but I don't dislike them."  He said, "We just would never work."  I said, "Well, remember this conversation, because you aren't going to get another opportunity with me."  He didn't.

About 5 years after that, our friendship ended.  That potential I was hopeful he would recognize - yeah, that went to shit.  We were having breakfast one Saturday morning and when the bill came (which we always would split), he told me he was a few dollars short.  I asked him to tell me how much to put down to cover me and what he was short.  So he told me $25.  I put down $25.  Then he proceeded to tell me I was cheap and was the cheapest person he knew.  This hurt me greatly, and I asked him to take me home.  That was the last time we spoke.  I was hopeful that Cornholio would come into the potential I saw in him for close to 11 years.  He never recognized it.

Panda is still talking/interacting with J (this is going on 2 years now).  J currently has a girlfriend (who is several years younger than him), but still texts Panda on and off.  He asks her to go running with him, and to hang out.  Then disappears again.  Then texts again.  Then disappears again.  This is all on the down-low - I seriously doubt his girlfriend has any idea he is still interacting with Panda.  Panda remains hopeful that J will see the light of day and kick the girlfriend to the curb and realize that Panda is the one for him.

I know exactly how she feels.  When you meet that person who makes you tingle, and whom you can't stop thinking about, and who makes it so easy to visualize a future with, you can't help but hope and hope and hope that your hope comes true.  That you are the exception, not the rule.  How can you give up hope for something you want?  I am the worst person to advise on this, because I hold on to hope all too long (duh, can't you tell by some of the dating adventures I've written about?).

But, as an outside observer, we all can see when a friend should, perhaps, reassess their hope.  When the thing/person they are hopeful for has lost all of their potential and is now being an asshole and being detrimental to the happiness of our friend, we see it before they do.  Panda and PM, and countless others knew LONG before I did that it was time to cut my losses with Chef, Radio, Cornholio, and others.  It took far too long before I knew it myself.

I don't know exactly what the line in the sand was for each of the times I cut my losses.  But for me, there is always that last thing that is the last straw.  With Cornholio, it was calling me cheap.  With Chef, it was him asking to talk with me and then not calling when he said he was going to.  With Radio, it was me telling him what I felt in order to create the closure I needed (and him not responding).  I think it is different for every person and every situation.  We can only cut our losses when our line in the sand has been crossed.  And, sadly, we probably define and draw and set that line way too far out than it should ever be.  But how do you stop listening to your heart, your hope, and the potential you see in someone?  I don't know, but I have my friends' backs whenever and however they need it.

Radios Sometimes Break - the final installation

So, a little update on Radio...  Part 1 and 2 are here and here.

My friend who introduced me to Radio all those years ago told me that Radio reappeared in her life recently after many years of no communication.  He was in Southern California on a business trip and called her & her husband out of the blue and asked if they were free for dinner.  They were (along with their 2 young children).

So, Radio rented a car and drove over to their house.  They had a lovely meal and nice conversation.

Radio admitted that his years of partying hard and dating younger women were over.  He said he just couldn't keep up any more.  So, now he's looking to date women his age (early 40s) or even slightly older.

I always wondered how he was able to thrive given his lifestyle.  Guess things finally caught up with him.

Radios Sometimes Break - part 2

So, I wrote Part 1 about Radio some time ago.  It is time for Part 2.

After Radio stopped calling me, I moved on with life, work, etc.  All was great.  I was always still quite puzzled about why Radio stopped calling me, but didn't spend too much time trying to figure it out.

A few years later (in 2007), Pat and her new husband decided to move to southern California.  They were having a going away party and I was invited.  So was Radio.  Pat asked if it was ok that he was coming, and I told her it was.  Nothing really happened between Radio and me, so there was no reason why we couldn't be in the same room at the same time.

Honestly, I was a little nervous to see him again, but I was determined to be the bigger person, and just be normal about it.  So, he showed up and it was a little weird for me at first, then I just went with it.  There were enough people there that I didn't have to feel like he was the only person I could talk to.  Eventually we did start talking and catching up, and somehow he asked me out, and we made a date for the following week.

We started dating and doing things together, and it was nice.  He was attentive, and mostly followed-through on what he said he would do, and we had a great time.  Eventually things turned romantic and we had a lot of fun with it.  However, once things moved to the bedroom, we stopped going out.  I turned into his booty call.  It took me a little bit to recognize it, but finally I did.  On many occasions he would call in the evening, like 9pm or so and asked if I "wanted some company."  Of course I would say yes, and he would meander over to my place 1 to 2 hours later, often with dinner he picked up on the way, and often intoxicated, and we would spend the night together.  It was fun, but I wasn't feeling so great about it.  When I tried to make plans, there was always some obstacle - travel, work, meetings, other plans.  But the "want some company" calls persisted.  And, I continued to let him come over to give me some "company".  After several months of this, things started to deteriorate.

My birthday was approaching, and I was putting together a dinner with friends to celebrate.  I sent out an evite and he never even opened it.  Not even the reminder.  I was bummed about that.  I had a nice evening out, but was always thinking about why he couldn't even bother to open the evite or respond or tell me what was up.  I half thought he would just show up and surprise me.  That didn't happen.  Shortly after my birthday, I had some work travel.  I reached out to him before I left and got no response.

When I returned from my trip, I was increasingly frustrated that he wasn't talking to me.  My sister helped me craft an email to send to him to elicit some sort of response:

Hey Radio,

So, we haven't talked in close to a month and I'm curious if this is you blowing me off?  If you are, that's fine (even though it is disappointing), but I would appreciate and prefer your honesty and more clear communication.  Please let me know where we're at so I don't continue walking around with this big question-mark over my head.

Take care and thanks.

Within about 15 minutes, he responded with "No blow off. I'll call you soon!"

And, nada.  He never responded in any way, shape, or form.

I had a few conversations with Pat about it and she wrote to me:

I think you are right to say enough is enough.  You deserve better, you deserve someone who is going to pay you the attention you deserve, and you don't strike me as someone who is looking for a bed buddy.  I think you hold out for a mature adult relationship, and he is absolutely not capable of having one of those with anyone.

It took me a good amount of time to get over this one.  Radio and I were "together" the 2nd time for about 8 months, and poof! he disappeared with no explanation (again).  After the 2nd go-round with Radio, I was done.  Radios break, and sometimes they are better left broken.

Single no More

Hello there!  So, my last post was quite a while ago, and A LOT has happened since then.  A LOT.

I started my last blog "Shacking up!!" with this:

So, I had a BIG day yesterday.  Well, the "bigness" (and not Carrie's Mr. Big), began earlier this year.  Well, actually, in November of last year to be precise.  How does an event in November culminate into BIGNESS yesterday?  I'll tell you, in the most abbreviated, yet still relevant way that I can.

That blog beginning is very applicable to this blog beginning.  How did an event in November culminate into BIGNESS?  The beginning wasn't really in November, but the beginning to this story started on February 11, 2011, the day I met Molecule for the first time, thanks to eHarmony.

I've posted several times about my adventures with Molecule (here, here, here, here, and here).  The last was in July 2012 when we decided to move in with each other!  So much has happened since then.

After moving, I was commuting to San Francisco every day on CalTrain, and it was slowly killing me.  The hours I was keeping made me feel like a walking zombie.  I was exhausted all the time, and couldn't quite catch up with sleep on the weekends.  I put the word out to my close friends that I wanted to slowly start looking for a new job closer to my new home.  Shortly thereafter, a good friend told me about a position that her former boss was hiring for - an office manager for a tech start-up in San Jose.  She connected me with her former boss and after several conversations and meetings, I was offered the job.  My life improved dramatically.  Rather than spending close to 4 hours every day commuting, I now spend about 40 minutes total each day commuting - dramatically improving everything about my life.

MOLECULE PROPOSED!  We got engaged on October 5th, 2012, and are set to be married in October 2013!  We had talked quite a bit about getting engaged, and the timing for doing it, but in typical Molecule fashion, he completely surprised me and proposed way earlier than I thought he would.  Of course my answer was an overwhelming "YES!!!"  His proposal was perfect, funny, romantic, and amazing.  We are waist deep in wedding planning, and so excited and eager for the big day to arrive!

So, I won't have any more new single girl stories to share, but I still have a good number of old stories and the hilarious stories of friends to share here too.  My adventures in dating will quickly turn into adventures in marriage (I will share those here too - and so will Molecule!)

PS - have you seen the new series "Newlyweds - The First Year" on Bravo?  Molecule recorded it to our DVR and thought it would be educational for us to watch (I think he was just joking about that).  What a hot mess these people are.  The only education I am getting from this is that couples need to talk about things and get on the same page BEFORE they say "I do".

Shacking up!!!

So, I had a BIG day yesterday.  Well, the "bigness" (and not Carrie's Mr. Big), began earlier this year.  Well, actually, in November of last year to be precise.  How does an event in November culminate into BIGNESS yesterday?  I'll tell you, in the most abbreviated, yet still relevant way that I can.

Last November, my job was "eliminated".  It was a huge shock, as I had been with that employer for nearly 13 years.  13 YEARS!  I freaked out for a bit, decided not to officially look for a new job until January, and just went with the funemployment.  About a month before me, Molecule's job was also eliminated after about 11 years with his employer.  He had already been preparing for a career and job-change, and his layoff just accelerated the change for him.  For me, I just needed to find a job.

So, in January, I hit the craigslist pavement.  One of the jobs I was interviewing for was in Palo Alto - about 45 minutes south of San Francisco.  I have no desire to be stuck in my car on the freeway to drive to my job, so after I was called back for a 2nd interview there, I brought up to Molecule the thought of living together if I got this job.  Honestly, that was the next logical "step" for us, and during our funemployments, we were practically living together already, so the cohabitation discussion didn't come up purely out of needing a convenient place to live if I took a job in Palo Alto.  We talked about it (a little awkwardly at first), but we got through the discussions, and Molecule was on board.  I didn't end up getting that job (thankfully), so we didn't need to take the plunge right then and there.

A few months later, Molecule found an amazing job doing something meaningful.  And, about a month after that, I found a job too - in San Francisco.  It was a big shock to me to go from seeing Molecule almost every day & night, to being able to see him pretty much only on the weekends.  I remember one particular Sunday right after I started work.  I was at Molecule's place in Palo Alto, and had to drive home so I could get up in the morning and go to work in San Francisco.  As we were bringing my things down to my car, I started crying.  I felt like an idiot, but couldn't help it.  The main reason was that I felt like we were taking a step backward, and I didn't like not seeing him at all during the week.  Normally Molecule would spend Wednesday nights with me in SF, but with the new job and all, he hadn't really been doing that, and wasn't planning to for a while.  So, basically we could see each other maybe Friday nights, and Saturday nights, and Sunday days.  It sucked, and I was upset about it.  I asked if he would spend Wednesday night at my place that week, and he basically said he couldn't because he had an early meeting on Thursday, and didn't want to have to fight traffic and potentially be late to the meeting.  So, we talked a little and came up with some options that we could both do to help us see each other during the week.  Mainly me taking CalTrain down to his place after work and spending the night there, and then taking CalTrain back to San Francisco in the morning to go to work.  And, when his early Thursday meeting was changed to a later time sometime in July or so, he would start spending Wednesdays at my place again.

That Wednesday night he was going to stop by after his class in San Francisco, but not stay over.  I was looking forward to seeing him, but not looking forward to his not spending the night.  When he arrived that night, he had a bag with him.  I asked him what it was for.  He said he thought about it and decided that he could make more of an an effort too to see me during the week.  That small gesture solidified even more why I love him.  It meant the world to me.

So, fast forward a couple of months.  We are both settling into our new jobs, and our routines.  He is back to spending Wednesdays at my place, and I am staying at his place a night or 2 during the week and taking CalTrain to work.  It it hard, but it works, mostly.  I find it difficult to plan ahead what I will need for a weekend in Palo Alto, and what to wear to work on Mondays to give to Molecule on Thursday mornings to take home with him so I don't have to lug a bag of stuff with me on the train.  I also find it difficult to grocery shop on a regular basis when I'm not really home at my place on a regular basis.  One month, we were at my place for 3 weekends, and Molecule started to complain about the packing, and going back & forth between places.  It was funny - until then he had no idea why I was grumbling about packing bags, planning outfits, etc.

It was about that time that we started looking at places to live together in Palo Alto.  We saw a few places that were nice, but not for us.  The amazing thing about this process was that Molecule was more or less driving it.  He would email me links to places and ask me what I thought about them.  He was taking an active role in looking for apartments.  That's another reason why I love him - he wasn't a passive participant in this, and was, in fact, driving the process.

We each had our "laundry lists" of what we wanted in a place.  I wanted a 2-bedroom for sure - that was my main thing.  Laundry on-site, parking, a bigger kitchen.  After looking at one particular 2-bedroom place that we liked, but didn't love, that was also available immediately, we talked about timing for us to move in together.  After some discussion, we agreed that by the end of September we'd like to be in a place together.  We agreed that we would keep looking at places to help narrow down neighborhoods we liked, and features that we liked.  And, if we found that "perfect" place that was available sooner, we could accelerate our timeline.

And just like that, POOF!, we basically said that we would be living together by September!  Crazy.  So, we continued to look at places.  And investigate places, and weren't having much luck.  We saw postings on craigslist that were amazing, but then when we called on them, the people never called back.  Molecule was getting frustrated and concerned that we wouldn't find a good place, and questioned whether we could live together at his place.  I agreed that we could, for a short amount of time, but definitely would need more space soon.  So, with the comfort of knowing we could stay in his place if needed, we kept looking.

One day, Molecule emailed me a link to an add from craigslist for a 2-bedroom, 2-bathroom place, with laundry IN THE UNIT!!!, a fireplace, 2 car secured underground parking, and a balcony, and I was interested!  It sounded great, and ironically was in a complex that Molecule mentioned, before we even were thinking of moving in together, that he always wanted to live in.  We emailed the person who posted the add about when the unit was being shown, and asked if we needed to bring anything with us to the showing.  The guy emailed us a link to the application (though he said he would have some available at the showing), and gave us the showing date & time.  We filled out the extensive applications (we wanted to be prepared), and went to the open house.  When we got there, there were about 6 other people looking at the unit and filling out applications.  The place was AMAZING!  We loved it immediately.  We had a little hushed conversation in one of the bedrooms, and both basically said at the same time that we loved it and wanted it.

So, we turned in our applications to the landlord, and had some conversation with him, to learn more about the apartment, and also to build some rapport with him.  Schmoozing is never a bad thing, right?  We left him with the applications, and went on our way, so excited at the prospect of getting that place, but nervous because so many people were there too.  We stopped by the market to get some milk and fruit, and I realized that I put the wrong number down for my monthly income.  I put my per paycheck income down, forgetting to double it because I get paid twice monthly.  We went back so I could update my application, and had the opportunity to talk with the landlord for a few more minutes.

Then, we waited.

On the 4th of July, Molecule suggested we send an email to the landlord saying we were ready to write a check for the security deposit and first three months of rent.  Molecule was really hot for this apartment!  So, we emailed the landlord with that, and to check on the progress he was making with the stack of applications he received for the apartment.  He responded later that evening that he would probably make a decision in the next day or so.  The 5th of July, we got word from the landlord that we won the apartment!!!!!!!  Molecule and I were in a state of excited shock!  This moving in together concept was all of a sudden completely real and imminent.  Here's where it gets crazy.

We were under the impression that the unit wasn't available until August, as the exterior of the building is being redone and won't be finished until August.  But, as it turns out the unit was available right away, and the landlord wanted tenants in ASAP.  So, Molecule and I had a quick decision to make.  We asked for 24 hours so we could talk to our current landlords and make sure we could get out of our existing leases, and then would tell the new landlord.  So, Molecule and I looked into things, and figured out that we could get out of our existing apartments, and decided to do it!  I called the new landlord back the next day and said very enthusiastically that yes, we would like the apartment, and can move in now.  He hesitated for a minute and said that he now had to decide who to give it to, because he called the 2nd runner up because he wasn't sure if Molecule and I would come through.  I said, "Landlord (obviously not his real name), Molecule and I gave our notice to our current apartments yesterday."  Landlord said, "Well, I had to cover my bases because I need a tenant right away."  I said, "Yesterday you agreed to give us 24 hours to make sure we could get out of our current leases."  Landlord said, "I know.  Ok, you & Molecule can have it."  I literally almost had a heart attack.  Literally.  My heart was pounding.

But we got it!!!!!!!!  And, had to move in before the end of July.  It was July 6th the day we agreed to take the apartment.

Oh my god!  I was excited and freaking out at the same time.  One can never fully prepare for a move, certainly not me.  I have a lot of crap, and stuff, and crap, and stuff.  Too much.  I don't know how it all fit into my small 1-bedroom apartment, but it did.  The prospect of sorting, packing, and moving it all was completely overwhelming to me.  Thank god for movers & packers.

They came to my apartment in San Francisco at 8:30am yesterday, and finished unloading the truck in Palo Alto at 6:30pm yesterday.  In 10.5 hours 5 guys who kept calling each other "pinche" and didn't think I understood everything else they were saying in Spanish, moved almost all of my stuff 45 minutes south to Palo Alto.

Molecule and I officially live together!!!  Except, Molecule isn't in California at the moment, due to a pre-planned trip.  And, he won't officially move his things to the new apartment until next Saturday, and I won't stay there without him, so I'm staying at his place.  And, I still have a few things in my San Francisco apartment (I don't need to be officially out of there until next Saturday).  Wow, I'm a 3-apartment girl right now (my SF place, Molecule's place, and our new place)!  I guess this is what real estate moguls feel like!



Living in sin?  No way.  Nope.  Not even remotely close.

I get to go to bed and wake up every day next to the person that I love.  We get to make a home and start the next chapter of our lives together, in one place, under one roof.  I don't think it gets any better than this...  Seriously.

The 100th Monkey effect

So, I had an acupuncture appointment last week, and my wonderful and amazing acupuncturist was telling me about a speaker she hosted over the weekend.  This speaker, Oberom, shared his thoughts on the process of breaking limiting belief patterns and living in loving awareness.  I didn't attend his workshops, but heard about them during my treatment.  My acupuncturist, I'll call her Triathlete, told me that Oberom brought her to tears when describing the 100th monkey effect and how it can impact humans.  For more on this, click here, and here, and here.

I have never heard of this 100th monkey effect, so I asked Triathlete to tell me about it.  She said, basically, that some researchers in Japan were observing monkeys eating sweet potatoes.  The researchers would toss sweet potatoes to monkeys on this one specific island.  The monkeys ate the sweet potatoes that were covered in sand from where the researchers tossed them.  Then, one young monkey had the idea to wash the sweet potato before eating it.  This monkey taught this behavior to other monkeys in the group.  Soon, many many monkeys were washing their sweet potatoes before eating them.  Then before the researchers knew it, almost 100 monkeys were observed washing their sweet potatoes.  Then presto! change-o! monkeys on other islands were suddenly washing their food before eating it.  This "100th monkey effect" purports that the idea to wash food before eating it reached a critical mass, and the idea became "energy" or "awareness" that was floating around "out there" and suddenly all of the other monkeys picked up on it.

Triathlete told me that Oberom used this theory in his discussion about a theoretical / fictional homeless person sitting on the street.  What if there was a homeless person sitting on a corner somewhere, struggling with some kind of addiction.  Every day people walk by this person and think negative thoughts about him/her.  But what if one day, one person who walked by thought, "wow, wouldn't it be great if that homeless person got help, and pulled themselves into a better situation."  What if the next day, someone else thought something positive about that homeless person.  Then, the next day someone else thought something positive, and the next day, and the next day, and the next, until almost 100 people thought something nice about this homeless person.  Then, one day, the homeless person got up and was walking toward a treatment center to finally get the help he/she needed.  Then, just as the homeless person was about to get to the center, someone walked by and thought something negative about the homeless person, and that destroyed the motivation he/she had to get help.  Imagine if that last person who walked by thought something positive, and that was the 100th monkey effect propelling this homeless person to get help.

I'm not sure I buy into this 100th anything effect creating a critical mass of idea-energy and others instantaneously picking up on it, but it got me thinking.  How could this "effect" or idea have an impact on dating, on people, on life?

Trying something new, adopting a new behavior or belief, speaking out for or against something, can be greatly influenced by those around us.

Imagine a person being bullied.  If one, then another, then another, then another person stuck up for that bullied person, could a critical mass be reached where that person is no longer bullied?

Imagine if a serial dater or a serial hook-up-er picked up on the wishes of the people they serially dated or hooked-up with.  Imagine if the wishes of those people were that the serial dater/hook-up-er would finally commit.  If those wishes reached a critical mass for the serial dater/hook-up-er, maybe their behavior would change, and they would finally be able to commit or have a serious, monogamous, long-term relationship.

Imagine if guys everywhere miraculously stopped observing the 3-day rule before calling a girl for a 2nd date, and started asking them out for a 2nd date on the 1st date?  It might take more than 100 guys doing this to reach critical mass to change behaviors everywhere.  But it could start with just one guy making a change.

Imagine if dating people told the people they dated honestly and openly if they weren't interested in going on another date.  How much heartache would that cure?

I guess, for me, it boils simply down to treating other people the way you want to be treated.  I, personally, like people to be nice to me.  I don't like to be yelled at, given "attitude", disrespected, ignored, bullied, pressured, lied to, etc.  I try, and work hard, to treat people (some of whom aren't as deserving as others) the way I want to be treated.  Sometimes it comes naturally because the person is treating me the way I want to be treated, so it is easy to treat them the same.  Sometimes, it is not nearly as easy.  That person who is tailgating you.  That person who is rude to you.  That person who is disrespectful.  That guy who didn't call.  It would be so very easy to treat them exactly how they are treating you.  But, maybe, just maybe you can be the first monkey to wash that sweet potato before eating it.  It's something new.  It isn't accepted (yet).   People might look at you funny.  People might think you are strange or crazy.  But if you exhibit a behavior, and someone emulates you.  Then another, then another, then another, and another emulate you too, before you know it, you might be the inspiration for a sea change in the world.  Or just maybe a small change.  But change, is change, and it needs to start somewhere. 

All of this reminds me a little of a commercial I see on TV periodically.  It is for an insurance company, and it illustrates people helping people, and inspiring others to do the same - click here.

What can you take away from my ramblings tonight - be nice to people.  Sometimes it might be easier not to be nice.  But, don't take the easy way out.  Just be nice, even if it is hard.

Until next time...  As Ted said, in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, "Be excellent to each other."

Love is in the air

So, February.  Valentine's day.  Chocolates.  Cards.  Flowers.  Love.  Nightmare?  Could be and has been.

Regardless of your feeling for this somewhat manufactured holiday, love is definitely in the air.  I don't know, but I kind of feel that love happens in fits and starts.  It ebbs and flows.  It gushes.

Last year at this time, my gang of friends and I were pretty much all single.  I was just beginning my adventure with Molecule and most of my friends were riding the dating roller coaster.

This year - total sea change.  I didn't dread February 14th like I have in the past.  I didn't cringe at all of the red and pink heart stuff.

Molecule and I just celebrated our 1 year anniversary.  I really can't fathom that we've been together for 1 year.  It's been an amazing year - I'll be writing an update about our year of adventures in another post.  However, let me say this.  Our anniversary celebration was AH-MAY-ZING.  I planned a weekend getaway. 

We stayed one night at the Madonna Inn in San Luis Obispo.  I have ALWAYS wanted to stay at this place since I was a little kid and we stopped there for hot fudge sundaes after a week of camping in Morrow Bay.  Well, IT ROCKED!  You have to be prepared for the over-the-top-ness of the place, and the kitschy-ness.  We stayed in the "Lucky Rock" room complete with tiger-striped carpet, a leopard-print couch, kelly green walls, gold lame wallpaper, and a rock bathroom.  Yes, the bathroom had rock walls, rock floors, rock sink, and a rock shower.  I loved it.

The second night, we stayed at the Sycamore Mineral Springs Resort.  We had a room with a private outdoor hot tub.  AH-MAY-ZING yet again.  I definitely will stay at this place again.  Loved it.

Getting on with the sea change of love in the air...

1. I met Molecule on eHarmony - we've been together for a year now...
2. One friend, A, met a guy, B, on eHarmony sometime around May / June.  They were quickly inseparable.  A lives in San Francisco but works down near San Jose.  B lives in Palo Alto.  Around October they made plans to move in together this March, once A's lease was up.  Well, sometime right after Christmas, B popped the question, and they are now engaged!  They are getting married in August!!!!!
3. Another friend, Sparkles, met a guy on Match a few months ago, and they going strong.  Her guy, C, is pretty awesome.
4. A guy friend, D, met his girlfriend on Match about 6 months ago.  His girl, A, is super cute and super nice.  She fits right in with the gang.
5. Another guy friend, who was bah-humbug on dating after having some dating adventures (and mis-adventures) of his own, has met a great girl, MM, and so far so good.  MM is super spunky and fun.
6. Another girlfriend, C, met her current beau through It's Just Lunch.  They've been dating for almost two months now, and though the whole gang hasn't met him yet, we've heard a lot (all great) about him, and hope to meet him soon.
7. Another guy friend, M, met his girl in October 2010, and proposed mid-year in 2011.  They're in full-on wedding planning mode.

So, I have to say this on-line dating thing works if you work it.  And, it is work.  It takes persistence.  You have to put in the time to look at people, communicate with people, go out with people, get to know people, and decide if you want to continue to get to know them.  You can't just snap your fingers and miraculously find "the one" or at least "the one for right now."  Like the cliche goes, you have to kiss a lot of frogs.  It is true, you do.  But maybe the next frog you kiss could fit the bill!  Who knows.  You just have to take a chance.

I was flipping channels the other evening, and came across this documentary on CNBC - "Online dating: the secret science of love at first byte" (click here).  The program airs again on Monday, 2/20/2012 at 8pm ET on CNBC.  Check it out.  It was really fascinating.  It delves into the world of on-line dating, the volumes of niche sites out there, some success stories, some not so successful stories, but the fact that on-line dating gives you access to a sea of people you wouldn't normally have exposure to.  One of those people in the on-line sea just might be the one!

Maybe Cupid has come off of hiatus and sunk his love arrows in us all at once.  Who knows, but love certainly seems to be in the air, or at least, in the air our gang is breathing...

No matter what it is, I like it.  Actually I love it!  I hope he sinks his arrows in the rest of the gang!  In the words of Lenny Kravitz, "Let Love Rule!"

Until next time... xoxoxoxo