Application to date

So, it has been a while since I have posted a dating adventure.  I've had several thoughts about what to post next, but a recent series of events with a few friends of mine have sparked this post.

In February, I wrote about love being in the air , and several of my friends who were beginning healthy and exciting relationships.

Here are a few updates:

1. Molecule and I are still going strong.  In fact, we are starting to talk about (gasp!) moving in together!
2. A is still engaged to B, and I had the pleasure of attending her bridal shower a few weeks ago.  What a lovely luncheon with a lovely group of family and friends.  A was simply radiant and glowing.  I can't wait for the wedding in August.
3. Sparkles & C have broken up.  C seemed to be a good guy in person.  But apparently behind the scenes, there was a totally different version of C who wasn't such a good guy.  Sparkles couldn't take Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde any more, so C had to go.
4. D & A are still going strong.  They are even taking a trip to Europe together in a few weeks!
5. D & MM are still going good.
6. C, who met her guy through It's Just Lunch, has recently ended her relationship with him.  Apparently, he wasn't "ready".
7. M and his girl K are getting ready for their wedding very soon!

A new development concerns a girlfriend, Stiletto, and a guy with whom she was set up with a few weeks back.  A good friend of hers knew she was single and looking for a good guy.  Apparently, her friend knew exactly who to set her up with, and presto - she's been dating the guy for about 5 weeks now.  Our gang of friends had a chance to meet him about a week ago, and he is really great!  I'm so excited for her.

Another new development concerns a very good friend of mine, Panda.  Panda and I met in a ceramics class many years ago.  She's an amazing person with a huge heart and lots of love to give.  She's spent a good amount of time getting her dream job, purchasing a house all on her own, planting and cultivating a gigantic garden full of vegetables and fruit trees, and really getting herself established at her job.  I've been trying to get her to come out of her shell and date and let someone else in on how amazing she is.  Well, a few weeks ago, she called me and told me that she went out on a date!  I was so excited.  The guy, J, asked her out, and she agreed.  They then kept seeing each other, texting each other, and calling each other, and all seemed great.  Except for the fact that he wasn't 100% over his ex-girlfriend (of 2 years) yet.  So, Panda and J took it kind of slow.  They spent a lot of time getting to know each other, and left the physical stuff for later.  A few weeks into their courtship, J told Panda that he was thinking about moving somewhere new.  Then he said he didn't really know what he wanted.  But, he continued calling, texting, and seeing Panda.  She was rightfully frustrated - J didn't know if he was coming or going or what he wanted.  But it was clear that he still wanted to spend time with Panda.  Still, the physical stuff waited.  But, we all know how hard it is to contain yourself in certain situations.  They found themselves in a situation in which they couldn't contain themselves.  Then things changed.  J was distant.  J stopped calling & texting as much.  Then he started calling & texting again.  On and off.  Off and on.  So confusing for Panda.  She still doesn't really know what is going on inside J's head.

It is with Panda's, Sparkle's, and C's predicaments (and of course my past dating adventures, and the adventures of those of most of my other friends) that I thought about creating some sort of "dating application" we could hand out to potential suitors.  Of course this is moot if the suitor is full of shit.  But if they are even only partially full of shit, some of the answers might provide some insight into their dating state of mind, right?

1. Do you really want to date?
• If yes, are you sure?
• Are you really really sure?
• If no, are you looking for just a fuck?
• Are you looking for a friend with benefits or a one-night kind of thing?
2. If you do really want to date, what kind of baggage are you toting?
• carry on? 
• carry on that goes in the overhead
• carry on that goes under your seat
• carry on that fits in your pocket
• checked?
• 1 bag
• 2 bags
• 3 bags or more
• oversize?
• over 50 lbs
• over 100 lbs
• too heavy for any scale
3. After a first date, do you observe the 3-day rule before calling again?
4. What is your housing situation?
• live alone
• have roommates
• Have roommates and have own room
• Have roommates and share room
• live on a couch
• live with parents
• live with other family member?  (list which one(s)).
5. What is your transportation situation?
• have own car
• have zip car or some other type of rental situation
• motorcycle or scooter
• skate board
• bus / public transportation
• bike
• foot
6. What is your job situation?
• gainfully employed
• Do you like what you do?
• Do you aspire to do something different?
• unemployed
• trust fund
• moocher
7. What is your mental situation?
• stable
• slightly unstable
• basket case
• certifiable
8. What is your communication situation?
• can communicate openly and honestly, even if it is not what you want to hear
• will tell you what I think you want to hear
• will outright lie
• communication... what is that?
9. What is your kid situation?
• have none
• have some  (fill in # _____)
• If have one or multiple, how much time do you spend with your kid(s)?
• sole custody
• shared custody
• If multiple, are they all with the same person?
• want one or some? (yes or no)
• want none
10. What do you like to do for fun?  (Short answer).
11. If heaven exists, what would you like God (or whomever is there to greet you) to say when you arrive at the pearly gates?

What would you want to ask?

Dating is hard.  Dating sometimes leads to disaster.  But it also sometimes leads to something really wonderful.  It is a crazy, scary, pleasurable, uncomfortable, fun, awe-inspiring, educational, amazing, emotional ride.  It is a ride, and you have to get on the train to take the ride.  That ride may or may not be where you want to go.  But if you don't take it, you will never know.  If, however, the ride turns out to be going where you don't want to go, you HAVE TO GET OFF THE TRAIN.  Trust your gut.  Trust your friends.  Trust yourself to decide what is right for you at that point in time.  Each ride will help you define and clarify where it is you think you want to go.  (At least they did for me).

Happy riding!

Until next time...

Love is in the air

So, February.  Valentine's day.  Chocolates.  Cards.  Flowers.  Love.  Nightmare?  Could be and has been.

Regardless of your feeling for this somewhat manufactured holiday, love is definitely in the air.  I don't know, but I kind of feel that love happens in fits and starts.  It ebbs and flows.  It gushes.

Last year at this time, my gang of friends and I were pretty much all single.  I was just beginning my adventure with Molecule and most of my friends were riding the dating roller coaster.

This year - total sea change.  I didn't dread February 14th like I have in the past.  I didn't cringe at all of the red and pink heart stuff.

Molecule and I just celebrated our 1 year anniversary.  I really can't fathom that we've been together for 1 year.  It's been an amazing year - I'll be writing an update about our year of adventures in another post.  However, let me say this.  Our anniversary celebration was AH-MAY-ZING.  I planned a weekend getaway. 

We stayed one night at the Madonna Inn in San Luis Obispo.  I have ALWAYS wanted to stay at this place since I was a little kid and we stopped there for hot fudge sundaes after a week of camping in Morrow Bay.  Well, IT ROCKED!  You have to be prepared for the over-the-top-ness of the place, and the kitschy-ness.  We stayed in the "Lucky Rock" room complete with tiger-striped carpet, a leopard-print couch, kelly green walls, gold lame wallpaper, and a rock bathroom.  Yes, the bathroom had rock walls, rock floors, rock sink, and a rock shower.  I loved it.

The second night, we stayed at the Sycamore Mineral Springs Resort.  We had a room with a private outdoor hot tub.  AH-MAY-ZING yet again.  I definitely will stay at this place again.  Loved it.

Getting on with the sea change of love in the air...

1. I met Molecule on eHarmony - we've been together for a year now...
2. One friend, A, met a guy, B, on eHarmony sometime around May / June.  They were quickly inseparable.  A lives in San Francisco but works down near San Jose.  B lives in Palo Alto.  Around October they made plans to move in together this March, once A's lease was up.  Well, sometime right after Christmas, B popped the question, and they are now engaged!  They are getting married in August!!!!!
3. Another friend, Sparkles, met a guy on Match a few months ago, and they going strong.  Her guy, C, is pretty awesome.
4. A guy friend, D, met his girlfriend on Match about 6 months ago.  His girl, A, is super cute and super nice.  She fits right in with the gang.
5. Another guy friend, who was bah-humbug on dating after having some dating adventures (and mis-adventures) of his own, has met a great girl, MM, and so far so good.  MM is super spunky and fun.
6. Another girlfriend, C, met her current beau through It's Just Lunch.  They've been dating for almost two months now, and though the whole gang hasn't met him yet, we've heard a lot (all great) about him, and hope to meet him soon.
7. Another guy friend, M, met his girl in October 2010, and proposed mid-year in 2011.  They're in full-on wedding planning mode.

So, I have to say this on-line dating thing works if you work it.  And, it is work.  It takes persistence.  You have to put in the time to look at people, communicate with people, go out with people, get to know people, and decide if you want to continue to get to know them.  You can't just snap your fingers and miraculously find "the one" or at least "the one for right now."  Like the cliche goes, you have to kiss a lot of frogs.  It is true, you do.  But maybe the next frog you kiss could fit the bill!  Who knows.  You just have to take a chance.

I was flipping channels the other evening, and came across this documentary on CNBC - "Online dating: the secret science of love at first byte" (click here).  The program airs again on Monday, 2/20/2012 at 8pm ET on CNBC.  Check it out.  It was really fascinating.  It delves into the world of on-line dating, the volumes of niche sites out there, some success stories, some not so successful stories, but the fact that on-line dating gives you access to a sea of people you wouldn't normally have exposure to.  One of those people in the on-line sea just might be the one!

Maybe Cupid has come off of hiatus and sunk his love arrows in us all at once.  Who knows, but love certainly seems to be in the air, or at least, in the air our gang is breathing...

No matter what it is, I like it.  Actually I love it!  I hope he sinks his arrows in the rest of the gang!  In the words of Lenny Kravitz, "Let Love Rule!"

Until next time... xoxoxoxo

Dogs, tattoos, and sweatpants, oh my!

Howdy readers!  So, from time to time, I've shared dating stories from friends, and this little adventure is courtesy of my sister.  She's got lots of absolutely hilarious stories to share.  This is the first, but it won't be the last.  Enjoy.  You're welcome.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hello... my name is Leyna, I'm Jennifer's "little" sister. When she asked if I'd write a guest blog entry about my worst date, I jumped at the chance because it's one of the few stories I actually remember very well, and definitely one I won't soon forget. I pretty much lived my 20's to the absolute fullest. I really didn't hold back much and kind of always felt like I should "get it all out of my system" before I settle down into married life, and that I did. As a result, my sister got an earful of weekly entertainment from me and actually remembers more stories from my 20's than I do! 

To give you a little insight, at this point in my life I was traveling for work about 6-8 months out of the year and had just returned from a month long tour around the country casting season 14 of the Real World. One week into my trip, my boyfriend called and begrudgingly admitted he had gone out drinking with some of our friends, met a girl and cheated on me the night before... He wanted to tell me "before any of our friends did". What a guy! So I dumped him, spent a day or two mourning, soothed my sadness with a new tattoo and decided to hunt down some rebounds on the road (since I'd never actually been single on the road before).

Our next stop was Boston, where I was determined to find a beefy Bostonian to call my own for a night. Well, I did meet a boy (after WAY too many shots with my co-workers and Vinny Pastore - so random) our last night in town... I spotted him and his "bros" from the dance floor and without hesitation walked right over to them and accusingly declared "Boys in Boston have NO game!" Thankfully, I didn't get punched in the face, he thought I was funny so we ended up dancing a bunch, making out a bit and ripping on each other like an old married couple all night. It was a blast.

When I returned home from the road, I was filling my boss in on all my shenanigans and told him about my new found love for Boston boys. He said his personal trainer is a hot Boston guy and would be PERFECT for me (whatever that means). I'm not really someone who likes getting fixed up when I'm single, but I'm also not one to turn down a date, so I agreed to meet him. He called a couple days later and we made plans to go out that Tuesday night after his last training session around 9:30pm. I was meeting friends for drinks after work in Burbank, so I agreed to meet him at his house in Hollywood at 10pm, since I lived in Venice at the time and it was basically on my way home. Done and done.

Cut to date night, I called him when I was a couple miles away to let him know I'd be there soon and ask him what the parking situation was like. He told me to pull in behind the building and park in the spot next to the dumpster, so I did. With all the usual first date jitters, I walked around to his apartment, knocked on the door and my worst date began...
 

First thing I noticed was his hair. It was a terrible faded grayish/green/blue color, like his Manic Panic "Enchanted Forrest" hair dye needed some serious touching up. As I stood there taking in all 5 feet 7 inches of him, I quickly realized all he had on was a towel. He literally answered the door wearing a small bath towel wrapped around his waist. Seriously dude? Don't pretend you didn't know I was coming, I called you 15min ago to say I was close and ask you where to park, remember? Douche. 

 

Suddenly, my awe and disbelief was interrupted when a giant rottweiler came charging at me out of nowhere. He grabbed her collar (right before she ripped my face off) and just when I thought the first two minutes of our date couldn't get any weirder... As he turned around to put his dog away, I almost couldn't believe what I was seeing - from shoulder to shoulder, neck to tail bone - he had a larger than life portrait of his dogs face tattooed across his whole back. I'm pretty sure the tattoo was bigger than her actual face.

Yep. So, that happened.

He came back and gave me a quick tour of his disgustingly dirty bachelor pad (in his towel), and told me to make myself at home while he got dressed. Great. I sat there looking around and thinking, what the hell just happened?

About 10min later, he was obviously trying to impress me when he came out wearing a white t-shirt, grey sweatpants (with elastic at the bottom) and the oldest, most beat up pair of (white) sneakers I had ever seen. Before we left for dinner, he had to release the beast (aka - his rottweiler, "Rosie") to take care of business. He let her out the front door, she ran down to the grass out front, dropped a deuce and ran back inside. Did he scoop her poop? What do you think?

We walked around back to where our cars were parked and I asked if he wanted me to drive. Without hesitation, he looked at my car and said in a ridiculously condescending tone, "Well, should we take your Mustang, or take a ride in my Mini Cooperrrr?" as he panned over to his tiny little Mini Cooper that he apparently loved so much he actually sat on a waiting list for 2 years to get it. The answer was clear, I guess.

To spare you the long drawn out version, I've decided to bullet point the rest of the date - as I'm sure you can imagine it didn't miraculously improve. So, here are the cliff's notes:
 

• He didn't open my car door (shocking), but to make matters worse he actually opened his door, got in the car and shut the door all while my door was still locked. 
• When we finally headed out, he didn't know where to go. Believe it or not, our restaurant options were limited at 10pm on a Tuesday. I suggested Canter's on Fairfax since it was closest, but he told me we couldn't go there because he got kicked out for fighting. Lovely. So, after 10min of "I don't know, where do you wanna go?", we headed to Swingers.
• He answered his phone during dinner and talked for 5min. I seriously thought I was on a hidden camera show.
• When we went back to his place, his roommate had parked behind me blocking me in only to find out the "reverse" on his car was broken. Rather than waiting for them to manually push it back, I did an 80 point turn to get out of there and never looked back.

The next day I asked my boss/friend what on earth made him think we would perfect for each other and he said he was shocked we didn't hit it off because I "look exactly like his ex-girlfriend". 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

I absolutely love this story.  Makes me literally laugh out loud every time I read it.  Guys, please take note, try not to have too disgusting of a house, corral your animals (and if you have a GIGANTIC tattoo of your pet, be prepared to explain why), don't answer the door in a towel (unless you have a body like this guy), and sweatpants don't a date outfit make.

Until next time...

No means no. Yes it does.

So, I'm sure we've all been in situations where we've said "no" when we really mean "yes".  And, we've all been in situations when we've said "yes" when we should have said "no".  And, we've been in situations where we've said "no" and really meant "no"or "hell no" or "no fucking way" or some other derivation of "no" laced with other expletives.

A friend of mine, I'll call him Sam, related this story to me of how he said "no" and really meant it...

Sam met a guy on-line.  They talked a bit, and then met one weekend for brunch.  On-line guy seemed nice, was a work-a-holic, and was new to the area and didn't know many people there.  Sam had no romantic interest in on-line guy (now referred to as OLG).  However, Sam is a nice guy, and thought he could forge some kind of platonic friendship with OLG.  During brunch, many of their common interests came out - one of which is Sam and OLG both like musicals.

A little while after the brunch, Sam and his friend A (a female) were going out to dinner & to see a musical play.  Sam is a gay man.  A is a straight female - this outing was not a date.  Sam mentioned to OLG that he was seeing a musical, and thought OLG might have fun going with he and A.  So, OLG purchased an individual ticket to the musical and planned to join Sam & A for dinner prior.

Sam and A picked up OLG at his place.  They all went to the restaurant for dinner.  OLG sat next to Sam.  Almost immediately, OLG puts his hand on Sam's knee.  Sam adjusted himself in a very subtle way to try and get OLG to remove his hand from Sam's knee.  Didn't work.  Shortly thereafter, OLG put his hand further up on Sam's leg.  Sam adjusted again.  Didn't work again.  OLG then placed his hand on Sam's twig and berries.  At this point, Sam threw subtle to the wind, and physically brushed OLG's hand off his sausage.

OLG was pissed and announced that he decided he was not going to the musical and for A to please take him home.  A got up to give them a few minutes to talk.  OLG asks, "Do you know why I'm not going to the show now?"  Sam says, "No, I don't know why."  OLG says "I want to fuck you and you made it clear that that isn't going to happen.  Please take me home now."  Awkward to say the least...

So, the three of them get in A's car and take OLG home.  Sam ended up walking him to his door.  OLG unlocked the door, opened the door, and somehow pulled a Houdini move and pushed Sam into the condo.  OLG kept trying to kiss Sam, and have his way with Sam.  Sam was having none of it.  A was in her car watching all of this go down laughing hysterically almost to the point of peeing in her pants.

How does someone keep hearing "yes" when the other person keeps saying "no"?  I mean, come on.  Did OLG have some kind of waxy build up in his ears that precluded him from hearing the words "no"?  Did he mistake having his hand brushed off of Sam's leg not once, not twice, but three times as some kind of mistake where Sam meant to pull OLG's hand higher up on his leg each time?  Not sure, but Sam sure meant "no" and OLG certainly wanted to hear "yes".

It certainly isn't the first time someone's heard "yes" when the words were really "no".  I wrote about Pokey (click here) a while back...  On our last date, he continually poked me and tickled my knee throughout the evening.  Each time he did it, I told him to stop.  And when I said stop, I didn't insinuate that by saying stop, I really meant do it more.  I brushed his hand away from me.  Elbowed him when he tried to poke my side.  Really, it wasn't amusing and I really wanted him to cut it out.  Yet another case of someone saying "no" and the other person hearing "yes".

Moral of the story - people, when you hear a serious "no" - it almost always probably means really "no."  So, cut it out please.  Thank you.

Until next time...

Radios sometimes break - part 1

Here's one from my dating archives... 2004 / 2005

So, I met Radio on several occasions over the years through a friend of mine.  Radio was one of her oldest friends, and they even dated in college.  He was a good-looking guy with lots of personality.  I remember talking with him on several occasions during the group things my friend planned, and I remember thinking, "Radio is a nice guy."  But it really never was more than that.  He was always nice to me, seemed interested in what I had to say, but really nothing more came of it.

Radio was an entrepreneur and co-owned a small business having to do with radio and broadcasting.  At the time, I was impressed that he owned and operated a business.  But, over time, I came to realize that he was married to that business, and it always came first.  Which it had to because his livelihood was dependent on his business being profitable.  But I had a feeling that he didn't really need to spend as much time there as he did.  He liked the people who worked for him, and liked to go out with said people.

My friend, I'll nickname her Pat (not her real name, but a long story as to how she got this nickname), invited me to a Halloween party at Radio's new apartment he shared with 3 girls.  I was game, so I tagged along.  Radio and I talked a lot at his party, and it started to get kind of flirty-flirty, but nothing really happened.

The next week, I was on a business trip, and Pat emailed me to ask me if it was OK for her to give Radio my phone number, because he had asked her for it.  I was giddy with happiness.  Of course I gave her permission to pass on my phone number.  So she did.  And then, nothing...  For weeks, maybe even an entire month, nada...  Geesh, come on guy, why the huge delay in calling me???

I can't remember now if I called him or what, but we got in contact, and he asked me out.  According to my trusty rusty datebook, it was November 13, 2004.  We went out, had a great time.  I can't find another date in my 2004 datebook, but I'm sure we continued to talk a little, but with the holidays and stuff, we didn't go out on another date for a while.  According to my 2005 trusty rusty date book, we went out again on April 7, 2005.  I totally remember that date too.  I met him at his office and we went for drinks at a nearby bar that he frequented.  Then we went to a preview screening of Kung Fu Hustle (a rather strange, but entertaining kung-fu (duh) movie).   After that, we went out on several more dates - generally once per week.  During that time, I was traveling a lot for work, and studying for my master's exam at school - so time was not something I had an overabundance of.  But as much as I could, and as much as he asked me out, I went, and thoroughly enjoyed myself. 

On all of the dates, he would not allow me to pay, despite my offering to.  He always walked on the outside.  He was a complete gentleman.  I was really liking the time we spent together, but was curious as to when something might "happen."  And by "happen" I mean a kiss.  We had been loosely dating for several months, and nada.  Maybe a peck on the cheek here and there, but nothing more.  No hand holding, romantic-ness, nada.  I was really beginning to wonder what was going on with him...

Right after I took my MA exam in mid-may, Pat hosted a congratulatory dinner for me at her place with her husband, another couple we were friends with, and me, and Radio.  I engineered my transportation for the evening so that I could hitch a ride home with Radio.  Dinner was fantastic, and involved lots of wine and champagne.  And, as per my design, Radio took me home.  And still nada.  No kiss, nothing.

About 2 weeks later, I received some very distressing school news.  I didn't pass one required exam, so I wasn't going to graduate.  I missed passing by 1 question.  I was devastated.  I was crying all afternoon, and had no idea how I was going to clean myself up for my date with Radio that night.  We had a nice dinner planned at Roys, then a performance of the Smuin ballet at Yerba Buena.  My eyes were completely puffy, and I looked like crap.  But I had a date to keep, so I made myself as presentable as I could and got my ass down to Roy's for dinner.  I got there first, and sat down, and ordered a stiff drink.  Radio showed up a little bit later with a bouquet of flowers for me - they were really lovely, and kind of made my night.  He asked about the exam I didn't pass, and I told him a little about it, but that I really didn't want to talk about it at all.  (Note: I did end up graduating after a long conversation with a long-time professor & dean of the department who was sympathetic to my predicament.)

We had a nice dinner - I think we actually split the bill on that one...  Then went over to Yerba Buena for the performance.  He got me home, and still nada.  Really.  I'm not lying.  Nada.

About 2 weeks later, we had another date - we met at a movie theater and saw "Sin City" and then went to Mel's for dinner after.  I think we held hands during that movie.  He took me home, got out of the car, and opened my door, and we hugged, and had a little peck on the mouth.  No tongue.  Just a peck.  FINALLY!

That Sunday, I had plans with Pat and her husband to see Star Wars - the newest release - and we invited Radio to go.  He had to work (shocker), and said he couldn't come.  He asked me to call him after the movie to tell him about it.  I did.  He was at the grocery store and asked if he could call me later.  I said of course he could.

That was literally the last time I talked to Radio.  He didn't call me back.  Ever.  I was quite perplexed.  Pat had no explanation.  Some time later, Pat and I were meeting her husband at Radio's most frequented bar after work one afternoon.  I was a little hesitant because still Radio hadn't called me ever.  I did see him there, and he basically ignored me.

Pat said he had a pattern of doing that.  Meeting girls, going out with them, then disappearing without a trace.  Wonderful.

I guess radios, or at least radio signals, have a tendency to fade sometimes.  You get a lot of static when you are out of range of the signal.  I guess somehow either I or Radio moved out of range, and all we had was static.

Oh well, I guess that allowed me to search around for a new signal...

Until next time...

Oh, and there will be a next time with Radio.  Somehow we came back into range.  But that's a tale for another posting.  Keep your radios tuned in for next time!

Some friendly advice...

So, I have been thinking a bit about why guys (and girls) do the things they do when dating...  I'm no perfectionist or expert when it comes to dating, but I've been around the block a bit, as have my girlfriends, and guyfriends.  So, I have my own experiences to draw upon as well of the experiences of my friends.

My girlfriends tend to wonder why guys seem to be clueless, don't call (or wait too long to call), are just interested in hooking up, etc.  Some of my guyfriends feel like all women are angry bitches, other of my guyfriends think women are too high maintenance, and yet other of my guyfriends wonder why girls make such a big deal out of everything...  Lots of differing viewpoints going on.

A few weekends ago, Molecule and I were reading the Sunday paper over breakfast at his place (things are going amazing with Molecule and I, by the way).  He pointed out a column called "Male Call."  I had never heard of this column, but this particular Sunday's column was the last one for Male Call.  Male Call "answers questions from men and women on dating, relationships, etiquette, men's style and more." 

In the penultimate Male Call column (click here), the author offered a few more pieces of wisdom and also recounted some things he learned from readers.

Be straightforward.  It sounds obvious, but women aren't too keen on trying to guess why you haven't called, texted or stalked them after a whirlwind period of intense interpersonal connectivity...  This was the single, most repeated issue.  "Why did he disappear?"  So guys, just go ahead and tell them, "I'm a shallow person.  I used you for my own gratification, and now I want to move on to take advantage of someone else."  You'll feel better for it, just as soon as you've been released from the hospital.

So true.  One of the things that irks me to no end is people who aren't honest.  Yes, the truth can hurt, but I am the type of person who will wonder and wonder and wonder and drive myself somewhat insane if what I've been told doesn't make any sense, is so obviously untruthful, or if I haven't been told anything.  For me, and this may not be for everyone, I prefer to hear the truth.  If a guy didn't / doesn't want to see me anymore, I would prefer him to say, "it was nice getting to know you, but I don't think we are a good match.  Good luck in your search."  I don't need to know if he thinks I'm ugly, fat, stupid, lame, etc. (that type of truth hurts).  But disappearing without saying anything, that really hurts because it leaves you wondering, theorizing, over-analyzing, and none of those things is fun or productive.

Shortly after reading this Male Call column, a friend of mine shared a profile on Match.com of a guy she was corresponding with.  Here it is.  It follows suit with Male Calls call for honesty, but does this go too far?  Is this type of honesty productive?

I am looking for someone fun, smart, (no drama), is active, and can have fun no matter what. I am pretty easy going and can have fun no matter what. I would like to give the ladies some advice on their profiles......I am a straight shooter so please don't take this the wrong way....I just want to be honest with you so you find what you are looking for. So here it goes: 1. If you have a quote from Coco Chanel, Marilyn Monroe, or someone else no guy cares about we aren't going to be interested. 2. Your headline should be something short that catches the attention of a guy.....not some philosophical statement. 2. Curvy means just that.....not just overweight and not willing to admit it. 3. If you write back to a guy and it's close to being longer than War and Peace we are not interested. 4. If you mention an ex in the first three email...or at all when writing...adios! 5. Realize guys are visual so make sure your pictures show off the best of you.....the pic of being cross eyed will drinking a beer might be funny to your friends but to someone seeing you for the first time that is visual; we might not find it appealing. 6. If a guy doesn't respond to your email don't keep writing to him, he will definitely not go out with you....heard the term stage 5 clinger? 7. If your profile headline is Live, Love, Laugh please change it, not original at all. I will add more as I think of them.....don't mean to offend anyone with this at all......just want to be straightforward and brutally honest.......:)

Wow.  He's got some good and valid points though.  I'm just not sure his profile is the best avenue for his advice.  Yes, we do need to remember the audience / readers we are trying to attract with our dating profiles.  What you put in them should be relevant and interesting to the people we want to meet.  I agree that too long emails aren't good, but one liners aren't either.  I have actually received several "first" emails from guys that literally say "What's up?  How are you?"  Granted, that's the polar opposite to War & Peace, but there's got to be a happy medium, right? 

I also agree with this guy's thoughts on profile pics (I also have written about the importance of profile pics a few times on this blog - click here for the most recent).  You want to put your best foot (face) forward.  Note to this guy, too many shirtless pics of you while flexing might reinforce your prowess, but sometimes we think it's creepy, a little egotistic, and slightly douche-y.  The lesson here - EDIT, EDIT, EDIT.  Pick good pics, pick recent pics, pick pics that really look like YOU now - not 15 years ago.  And for guys - we like to see what you look like without a shirt, but we also want to see what you look like on a normal day (in clothing).

I also completely agree with his thoughts about guys not responding and to not keep hounding them.  I've done this, and many of you probably have too.  But, as excruciatingly difficult as it is, DO NOT KEEP REACHING OUT TO SOMEONE if they don't respond, or don't respond in a way that is obvious that they want to see you.  One text / call / email is good.  Two is mildly acceptable, but three?  No way.  If there is no sign of interest after one or two, move on.  He / She knows you are interested.  If they are too, they will respond.  I know it is hard.  I know this advice is slightly hypocritical because I've been the person that texts / calls / emails too much.  But I've learned (for now), thanks to my sister (she's a smart cookie).

I used to think that when people told me that dating should be easy and happen naturally that they were full of shit.  I mean, it wasn't easy with any of the guys I had dated.  I always seemed to put in more effort than they did.  But now that I've been with Molecule for 7 months, I honestly understand now what I was told - that dating should be easy and happen naturally.  Please don't misinterpret this.  Dating literally isn't easy.  It is work.  But the work shouldn't (and doesn't) seem like work.  It is work that is enjoyable, that you look forward to doing, and reaping the benefits of.  And, it is mutual.  Both people like the company of the other, like spending time with the other, and therefore take steps to be able to do those things.

If you are stuck in the dating juggernaut, keep at it.  It is work, and often challenging, demoralizing, frustrating, excruciating.  But, each date is a stepping stone towards meeting someone really great.  Every date is a learning experience.  Look at the silver lining - each person you go out with who isn't a good match for you is one more person you can cross off of your dating to-do list, and the closer you'll get to meeting someone who is a good match.  Process of elimination.

Keep your head up.  Have fun.  Make the most of the date.  Stay optimistic.  Stay hopeful.  But, read the writing on the wall.  Don't be afraid to walk away.  Don't be afraid to take a chance.  It just might be your lucky day (or date!)

Until next time, be honest, be nice, treat others how you would like to be treated.

An interesting way to meet a wife...

So, I've been a little bit of a slacker recently.  Life, work, and other stuff have gotten a little bit in the way of my blogging.  But I have several items to post, so there shouldn't be such a lag in posts for the foreseeable future.

I was at a work training event last week, and the participants had to introduce one another to the class.  During their introductions, they had to include 2 truths and 1 lie about the person.  There were lots of interesting truths and lies told, but one stuck out for me.  After class as people were milling about, I approached the person and asked him to tell me the story in more detail.

I don't remember what his other truth or his lie was, but the truth that caught my attention was, "I met my wife while cold-calling to sell PG&E stock."  True story.  And, I got the details.

So, here goes - here is the story about how Mr. DJ met his wife.

In the mid-1990s, Mr. DJ was working for a firm selling stocks.  He was cold-calling people to try to sell them stock in PG&E.  One day, he called Ms. B.  She did not speak English as a first language, but had a strong enough grasp of it to politely tell Mr. DJ, "No thank you.  I'm not interested in buying cable." and promptly hung up on him.  Not one to take no for an answer, Mr. DJ called Ms. B right back to correct her and let her know he wasn't selling cable, but that he was selling stock in PG&E.  As it turns out, Ms. B wasn't a qualified investor.  But during the course of finding this out, the conversation turned a little more personal.  Ms. B had just broken up with her boyfriend, and was kind of sad.  She was from Brazil, and was living here temporarily.  Because of the break-up, she was planning to head back to Brazil.

Mr. DJ and Ms. B spent the next two weeks talking on the phone and getting to know one another.  They finally agreed to meet shortly thereafter to go to church together on a Sunday morning - it was December 24.  After church, they went to breakfast together.  The next day, Christmas, Ms. B met Mr. DJ's mother.

Mr. DJ and Ms. B dated for the next 2 years, and ended up getting married in Las Vegas.  Ms. B was walked down the aisle by an Elvis impersonator.

After they were married, Ms. B had to go back to Brazil to help care for her ailing mother.  Unfortunately, she had been in the U.S. without the proper papers, so once she left, she wasn't going to be able to return.  But, of course she had to go.

So, she went back to Brazil and cared for her mother.  Mr. DJ worked tirelessly for an entire year to get the appropriate paperwork approved with immigration to help Ms. B get back to him.  During that time, he quit his regular job to tend to Ms. B's business, and focused on his DJ business as well.  He met with a lawyer to find out the best way to get his wife back into the country.  He didn't end up hiring that lawyer, but used what he learned to "work" the system.

On February 15th (one day after Valentine's day), he got the call from Immigration telling him that she was all set and could come home to the U.S.  One day later she was back in the arms of Mr. DJ.

Talk about an unlikely way to meet your spouse.  They are still very happily married.

I absolutely love this story.  I love how people can meet in such unexpected ways.  I love how people can support one another and make one another a priority in life.  And, I love how happy people can be when they meet their one.

I was saddened this weekend when I learned that someone close to me had their spouse walk out on them completely unexpectedly.  I'll call this person M-n-M.  M-n-M is pretty devastated and distraught, and was taken completely off guard.  I talked for a bit with M-n-M, and despite the crappy situation, the advice I was given seems very relevant to me.  M-n-M's advice:  to be in a place where you can be open to love and a relationship, first you need to be happy with yourself.  Only then can you really be happy with someone else.  If you are lucky enough to be happy with yourself, being with the one you love just makes your already great life even better.

I sincerely hope M-n-M can make it through the tough times to come.

After hearing about this crappy turn of events, I was lucky enough to be on my way to Molecule's house.  It was so comforting to walk in and have him give me a great big warm hug and kiss.  Thinking about some of the shitty things people do to one another, or just general shitty stuff that happens in life, I feel so lucky to be in an amazing place in my own life, and even more lucky to be able to have Molecule in my life.  I can truly say that having someone you love and who loves you back does make my great life even better.

Here's to better times to come for M-n-M, and for meeting people in unexpected places.

Until next time...