Dick tricks, dick snacks, big dicks, and dick pics

So, it's raining dicks lately.  Yes, we are surrounded by dicks of all kinds: people named Dick, people who are dicks, and actual dicks - they are everywhere.  Over the last few months I can't seem to escape dicks.

One day recently, a friend of mine was physically unable to put her phone down - texting ALL DAY LONG.  I finally asked her who she was texting and what was so important, and she got a big smile on her face and said she's been texting with a guy she met.  He was texting her dick pics.  Apparently this guy is fairly well endowed and he likes to send girls pics of his dick before they get too hot and heavy because many a girls have ended things with him because his dick is too large.  So, he sent her a pic of his dick covered up by a towel, but he's holding it so you can see the outline.  Then, he sent her a very clear pic of his dick all hard and naked.  It was big.

That got me thinking about dick pics and how ridiculous and hilarious they really are.  Seriously, guys, do you think about whether the girl (or guy) you are sending pic of your dick to ISN'T going to show it to other people, lots of other people?  Maybe you want others to see your dick.  I don't know.  I've never met a person who has received a dick pic who has ended up in a relationship with the owner of the dick.  I've written about dick pics before - here.

Seeing this friend's dick pics maybe made me more in tune to the various dick things around me...

It got me remembering a show I saw YEARS ago (in 2002) in San Francisco called Puppetry of the Penis.  Basically 2 dudes on stage doing origami with their dicks.  It was at the Theater on the Square in San Francisco.  These 2 dudes walked out onto the stage wearing capes and then proceeded to open up their capes to show off their nakedness and their dicks.  And, then proceeded to play with their dicks.  There were big screens on the sides of the stage and cameras that provided the audience with up-close and personal views of what the guys were doing with their dicks.  It was super random.  It was super weird.  It was a tad uncomfortable to watch.  But it was like a car accident or train wreck - you couldn't not watch.  They made such things as turtles, boomerangs, pelicans, baby birds, skateboards, and other everyday things with their dicks.  They really did.  There's even a book with graphic pictures.  And, of course, you can still get the book on Amazon (though as of this writing, it is temporarily out of stock).

I got my booked signed by the dicks themselves.  Dick Pics - left - Emu, right - hamburger

It is gross, awkward, and icky.  But you can't not look!

Then, watching Grey's Anatomy on TV one night recently, one of the story lines in the episode had a girl being brought into the ER and we learn that she is there due to a sex-accident.  She met a guy who was fairly well endowed, and she thought to herself that it was like Mt. Everest - it's there so you have to climb it.  Only, when she was climbing it (figuratively and literally), the guy slipped and landed on top of her and she dislocated her hip and had some other injuries that required surgery.  Needless to say, after surgery she left Mt. Everest behind.  Here's the episode recap.

That episode got me remembering about an episode of Sex and The City where Samantha met Mr. Cocky and he tells her that he's fairly well endowed.  Samantha also thinks of the Mt. Everest comparison and tries to climb the mountain.  Here's a clip.

I also remembered a scene in Magic Mike XXL where the Joe Managaniello character talks about how he hasn't had sex in many months because his dick is too big.  He's looking for his "glass slipper."  He finds it later in the movie.

Then I was remembering the Season 1 episode of Silicon Valley on HBO with the dick to floor ratio and mean jerk time - here's a clip on YouTube.  The Husband and I were almost falling out of our chairs when we watched that one.  It's just so hilarious and ludicrous and random and wrong, and you can't not watch...

And, in a recent episode of Silicon Valley, we've got gigantic horse dick.  Need to see the clip?- it's on YouTube.  It's gross, it's wrong, it's ludicrous, but you can't stop watching.

And, then there's the dick humor that is very prevalent in the show - including the logo - a guy sucking a dick with another dick tucked behind his ear - a snack dick.

As I said earlier, dicks are all around you.  You don't even have to seek them out - they're just there - on TV, in real life, the naked guys on Castro Street in San Francisco, your favorite TV show, in texts, on the road, in your hands, in your pants - they're everywhere, like the song from Izza Kizza.

Video games and girls

So, a friend of mine posted a little blurb on Facebook the other day that made me laugh out loud, quite literally.

So, guys - if the majority of your conversation is about playing video games, tactics for the game, and you're totally serious about it, please wake up - this is probably not conversation that is going to attract and keep around non-video game-playing-girls.  If your goal is to find a like-minded video gaming-girl, keep doing what you're doing and hunt that gamer girl down - she'll be totally awesome, as all girls are.

But if you want a girl (any kind of girl), and I'm guessing you do based on the last sentence my friend overheard, you may want to reevaluate what you are talking about and where you are putting your efforts.  Are you focusing too much on your game?  Or are you getting your head into the game - the dating game - to find the girl of your dreams?

I'm not saying that you still can't play video games, or that you still can't talk about playing video games.  But what I am saying is that if you want a girl (any type of girl), you'll have to expand your horizons some and spend some of your time actually looking for her.  Maybe you can talk about the tactics of meeting girls with your bros.  Here's an idea - think of this as a video game - to win the game you need to meet a girl, IRL.  

Talk about those tactics.

Then, execute.

An Interesting Way to Meet a Wife, part 2

Hello, so quite a while ago I wrote about how a work colleague met his wife when he worked for a firm selling stocks by cold calling people.  One of the people he cold called ended up becoming his wife!

Recently, I learned that a friend of mine, we'll call him Superman, met his wife in another interesting way - on Instagram.  I'm sure he isn't the first person to meet a significant other on social media, but the story is so cute!  Superman used to live in San Francisco, and several years ago, moved down to Southern California.  A little while after he moved down there, I started seeing posts from him on FaceBook with a girl - and I thought, "Good for him!"  He's a great guy, super smart, great job, amazing zest for life.

Then I saw a post with him and his girlfriend, and she had a diamond ring on her finger!  I was super excited for him!  Then, there were subsequent posts about his wedding and all of the festivities.  A few weeks ago, I was having dinner with a San Francisco friend of mine, and she told me how Superman and his now wife met, and sent me a link to the article she (the wife) wrote about it in the LA Times!

Turns out that Mrs. Superman knew Superman from their hometown in Mexico - Superman was friends with Mrs. Superman's sister when she was 10 and he was probably around 18.  Mr. Superman had "liked" one of Mrs. Superman's posts on Instagram, and that set about events that ultimately led to them getting married!

I love a good love story, and this is no exception.  Check it out on the LA Times' website HERE.

Until next time...

Love and Pizza

So, I was driving home the other night after work - February 25 - listening to NPR, and segment on MarketPlace called "The Transaction" came on.  I don't know that I've heard this segment before, but it totally caught (and held) my attention.

This is a story about Marcos Menendez, a Pizza Hut delivery guy in El Paso, TX.  I'll summarize for you:  Marcos was delivering pizzas on a random Friday night, and his last delivery was to a house where a small kid grabbed the pizza from him at the front door, and a magnificently beautiful girl came to the door to pay for the pizza.  Marcos was immediately smitten, but feeling rather self conscious wearing his standard and frightfully unappealing Pizza Hut uniform.  He was speechless.  When he got back into his car he thought, "Man, I wish I had a girlfriend like her."

A few weeks later, Marcos' boss at Pizza Hut was getting married and his fiancé invited Marcos to the wedding.  The fiancé said to Marcos, "There's a friend, her name is Maru, you delivered a pizza to her home and she wants to meet you."

Seriously - this happened to Marcos.

Marcos went to the wedding, formally met Maru, and has now been married to her for 15 years.

This story is so sweet and touching and heart warming - I just loved it.  You never know where you will find love, how you will find it, or if you will find it.  Sometimes it just finds you!

You can read the full story here.  I suggest listening to the segment - hearing Marcos' voice tell his tale is even better.  It is 3 minutes 12 seconds - click the arrow icon at the top of the page.  I bet you'll love it too.

Pay it forward!

I'm on a roll tonight...  A friend of mine, Improv, has embarked on her on-line dating adventures.

She met a guy on Match.com late last year, and dated him for a few months.  She brought him along to my birthday picnic, and our little group of friends got the opportunity to meet him.  I'll call him Quiet-Passive-Aggressive of QPA for short.  He seemed nice enough, but didn't actually say much for the entire picnic.

Improv liked him and he seemed to like her.  He came (alone) to one of her improv shows, which was sweet.  We all liked him, but it was hard to get to know him.  He is super quiet and shy and awkward in social situations.  He would kind of stand off to the side and watch - a little voyeuristic (and border line creepy), in my opinion.

Improv and QPA were going out for several months, but then something changed.  He got more passive aggressive with her - he would only want to do what he wanted to do.  Any time Improv suggested something, and he didn't want to do it, he would say no, and then suggest something he wanted to do - with no attention paid to what Improv wanted to do.  Then he would get mad when Improv didn't want to do what he wanted to do.  Things went around in this little passive-aggressive circle for a while until Improv was over it.

She made dinner plans with him to cut him loose.  The conversation was brief, and when she was done telling QPA she was done with him, he had the balls to ask if Improv could set the stage for him to ask one of Improv's friends out.

Seriously.  QPA wanted Improv to pay him forward.  I'm all for paying things forward, even in the dating arena, but with QPA, ummmmm, No.  Bye bye.

Hello, my name is...

Yes, it's been a while...

I had lunch with PM last weekend and she was telling me that after her hiatus from on-line dating, she was inspired by a friend to go back on Tinder.  Her friend was showing her all of the guys she's been dating and talking about the good luck she's having.

PM got re-inspired and downloaded the app, and started swiping.  She came upon a guy who lives in Emeryville who is a teacher at the culinary academy in Napa.  He is age-appropriate and good looking - 2 positives.  PM decided that on this Tinder journey that she wouldn't be the one to reach out to anyone who was a match with her - she was going to put the ball in the guy's court.

So, PM matched with Cooking Teacher and he reached out.  They chatted through the app for a while, then switched to regular text (and texted for about 2 hours), then they had a phone call - and this was all taking place on one Saturday morning.  He asked her out - they were going to go bowling and dinner on Sunday (the following day) - this was arranged by text.  Then when they spoke on the phone later on Saturday morning, Cooking Teacher asked if PM would be opposed to going wine tasting and dinner in Napa - of course she wasn't opposed to that.

They spoke about what they are looking for (in terms of dating) and they both seemed to be on the same page - wanted to take things slow, not looking for a one night stand or a fling, etc. etc.  All good things!

I was super excited for PM for Sunday & her date with Cooking Teacher.  I was surprised when I got a text from her Sunday morning, "Too good to be true usually is.  Dude texted me last night but I was at dinner.  10 min after his last text I called him back (around 10pm), no answer, to VM.  This AM he unmatched me.  No word from him.  Text aren't being delivered.  Scam!  And this is why I am so skeptical.  Ugh."

Seriously, this shit is crazy.  If you are on a dating app, you usually have to go on dates.  People - stop screwing around and hijacking pictures of someone who you'd like to be in a perfect world and using them for your fake on-line profile.  All you are doing is selling yourself short and causing unnecessary pain and strife to good people who are just trying to meet a mate.  This is called Catfishing, and it needs to stop.

Catfish is a show on MTV, now in it's 5th season - so, yeah, this shit happens A LOT.  People - get a clue.  Be yourself.  Stop impersonating others.  Own who you actually are in REALITY.

When is Enough Enough?

So, a friend of mine, PM, is on a self-professed "emotional roller coaster" having to do with, yep you guessed it, a guy.  This roller coaster has been going on for a little over a month, and is driving her insane.  The guy recently broke up with a girl, and isn't dealing well with the break-up.  Enter PM who is trying to be a friend to him, and has found that she has developed feelings that go beyond friendship.  The guy is also feeling these "feelings" but his behavior is saying otherwise.  He clearly is in no place to enter into a new relationship as evidenced by his atrocious behavior.  I don't need to go into all of the gory details, I'll give it to you in a nutshell.  Guy calls PM, begs her to "come over."  She protests, he begs, she relents and goes over.  Finds guy drunk and/or passed out.  He wakes up, they argue.  She leaves.  He calls and apologies.  Begs her to come over, she protests, he begs, she relents.  Rinse and repeat.  A lot.

So, my questions are:

• when is enough enough?
• how do you get your brain and heart to get on the same page?
• why do you keep doing something you know is clearly not good?
• how do you turn off hope of building something with someone?
• how do you look at a person for who they are now versus their potential to be someone/something great?

As I was talking with PM and listening to her describe her emotional roller coaster, I started reliving my own 8-month long emotional roller coaster with Chef.  I felt exactly how she is feeling.  I knew things weren't good with Chef, but I couldn't let go.  I knew I deserved better, but I couldn't let go.  I knew I shouldn't let him take advantage of my emotions, but I did.  I knew I should have walked away 6 months sooner, but I didn't.  I stuck around in a passive-aggressive, emotionally abusive relationship for about 8 months.  That is 8 months too long.

About a month into our "relationship" my head knew it wasn't going to be good, but my heart hoped otherwise.  I couldn't bring my head to overpower my heart and get me out of the situation.  My heart was so full of hope that it overpowered my brain and what my head knew was best.  My heart was full of hope for a boyfriend, for love, for a relationship, for a partner and it completely shattered my brain and common sense that things were not going in the right direction with this person.  But I couldn't bring my head and my heart onto the same page.  So, I stayed in the "relationship" and was sad, mad, hurt, ignored, frustrated, confused, the list goes on and on and doesn't include any happy words.

Every time I thought I was done, a week later he would call or text, and give me back a glimmer of hope and I would be back in it because I had hope again.  The same thing happened every few weeks.  I would be done.  He would finally call.  Hope came back and I couldn't walk away.  Time and again.  For far far far far far too long.  (I call this conundrum the Blessing and Curse of Hope and Potential.)  I tried putting a rubber band on my wrist and snapping it every time I thought about him, or had the urge to call or text him.  I wanted to associate pain with Chef.  It sort of worked, until it didn't.  Finally, FINALLY, I had had enough.  Chef wouldn't return my texts, calls, or emails.  He simply wouldn't respond in any way, shape, or form.  I forced the issue and like a crazy stalker, I went to the restaurant that he "owned."  I called the restaurant phone number and asked to talk to him.  He got on the phone and asked what I wanted.  I told him we needed to talk.  He said he couldn't right then but that if I came back in an hour, we could have a conversation.  So, I left and returned an hour later.  He wasn't there.  He left because of an "emergency" at his other restaurant.  I texted and told him we needed to talk.  He said he'd "call me later."  I never got a call from him.  That was my line in the sand.  Enough was finally enough.  I was done.

I can't say definitively what brought about my done-ness.  It simply came.  Enough was enough.  I guess I had too much tolerance for crap, and my enough came far too late.  PM coached me through many tearful conversations about Chef.  She told me to walk away, to cut him loose, etc., etc.  She knew he was treating me horribly, she knew I deserved better and told me as much on many occasions.  My head knew she was right, but my heart wasn't ready to give up hope. 

So, how is it that we can see this when we look from the outside in, but when we are on the inside looking out we totally ignore our own advice?

I guess we are gluttons for our own punishment and we have to find our own line in the sand.  Some people get to it sooner than others.  I only hope that PM finds that line ASAP.  It is no bueno to be in any relationship where there is only take and no give.  You should never doubt your actions and your worth because another person isn't treating you well.  It is time to slap your heart and get it in line with your head.