When is Enough Enough?

So, a friend of mine, PM, is on a self-professed "emotional roller coaster" having to do with, yep you guessed it, a guy.  This roller coaster has been going on for a little over a month, and is driving her insane.  The guy recently broke up with a girl, and isn't dealing well with the break-up.  Enter PM who is trying to be a friend to him, and has found that she has developed feelings that go beyond friendship.  The guy is also feeling these "feelings" but his behavior is saying otherwise.  He clearly is in no place to enter into a new relationship as evidenced by his atrocious behavior.  I don't need to go into all of the gory details, I'll give it to you in a nutshell.  Guy calls PM, begs her to "come over."  She protests, he begs, she relents and goes over.  Finds guy drunk and/or passed out.  He wakes up, they argue.  She leaves.  He calls and apologies.  Begs her to come over, she protests, he begs, she relents.  Rinse and repeat.  A lot.

So, my questions are:

• when is enough enough?
• how do you get your brain and heart to get on the same page?
• why do you keep doing something you know is clearly not good?
• how do you turn off hope of building something with someone?
• how do you look at a person for who they are now versus their potential to be someone/something great?

As I was talking with PM and listening to her describe her emotional roller coaster, I started reliving my own 8-month long emotional roller coaster with Chef.  I felt exactly how she is feeling.  I knew things weren't good with Chef, but I couldn't let go.  I knew I deserved better, but I couldn't let go.  I knew I shouldn't let him take advantage of my emotions, but I did.  I knew I should have walked away 6 months sooner, but I didn't.  I stuck around in a passive-aggressive, emotionally abusive relationship for about 8 months.  That is 8 months too long.

About a month into our "relationship" my head knew it wasn't going to be good, but my heart hoped otherwise.  I couldn't bring my head to overpower my heart and get me out of the situation.  My heart was so full of hope that it overpowered my brain and what my head knew was best.  My heart was full of hope for a boyfriend, for love, for a relationship, for a partner and it completely shattered my brain and common sense that things were not going in the right direction with this person.  But I couldn't bring my head and my heart onto the same page.  So, I stayed in the "relationship" and was sad, mad, hurt, ignored, frustrated, confused, the list goes on and on and doesn't include any happy words.

Every time I thought I was done, a week later he would call or text, and give me back a glimmer of hope and I would be back in it because I had hope again.  The same thing happened every few weeks.  I would be done.  He would finally call.  Hope came back and I couldn't walk away.  Time and again.  For far far far far far too long.  (I call this conundrum the Blessing and Curse of Hope and Potential.)  I tried putting a rubber band on my wrist and snapping it every time I thought about him, or had the urge to call or text him.  I wanted to associate pain with Chef.  It sort of worked, until it didn't.  Finally, FINALLY, I had had enough.  Chef wouldn't return my texts, calls, or emails.  He simply wouldn't respond in any way, shape, or form.  I forced the issue and like a crazy stalker, I went to the restaurant that he "owned."  I called the restaurant phone number and asked to talk to him.  He got on the phone and asked what I wanted.  I told him we needed to talk.  He said he couldn't right then but that if I came back in an hour, we could have a conversation.  So, I left and returned an hour later.  He wasn't there.  He left because of an "emergency" at his other restaurant.  I texted and told him we needed to talk.  He said he'd "call me later."  I never got a call from him.  That was my line in the sand.  Enough was finally enough.  I was done.

I can't say definitively what brought about my done-ness.  It simply came.  Enough was enough.  I guess I had too much tolerance for crap, and my enough came far too late.  PM coached me through many tearful conversations about Chef.  She told me to walk away, to cut him loose, etc., etc.  She knew he was treating me horribly, she knew I deserved better and told me as much on many occasions.  My head knew she was right, but my heart wasn't ready to give up hope. 

So, how is it that we can see this when we look from the outside in, but when we are on the inside looking out we totally ignore our own advice?

I guess we are gluttons for our own punishment and we have to find our own line in the sand.  Some people get to it sooner than others.  I only hope that PM finds that line ASAP.  It is no bueno to be in any relationship where there is only take and no give.  You should never doubt your actions and your worth because another person isn't treating you well.  It is time to slap your heart and get it in line with your head.

Some Advice for Single Dudes (and girls) / Panda's Adventure part 2

So, I was perusing my news feed on FaceBook this morning, and came upon this article that absolutely hit the nail on the head.  It is posted on the Matt Walsh Blog (http://themattwalshblog.com/).  I have to be honest, before today, I had never heard of the Matt Walsh Blog and had never read anything on the blog.  But after reading this one blog post, I might have to be a regular visitor to this blog.

Here is the blog posting - "Dear single dudes, it's time to man up"

Dear single men,

I was having a conversation with a friend recently. He’s about my age, he’s single, and he is, I can attest, an all around good dude. I hadn’t seen him in a while, so I asked about the status of his love life. He told me that he’s currently ‘hanging out’ with someone.

“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Well, we’ve hung out a few times. She’s great.”
“OK, so are you guys going out? Is she your girlfriend?”
“No. I don’t think so. But we’re hanging out. We’re talking.”
“Well, of course you’re speaking to each other. Do you talk to her on the phone? Do you see her a lot?”
“No, we mostly text. I’ve seen her a few times since we started hanging out.”
“So you only recently met her?”
“No, I’ve known her for a while, but we’ve only hung out a few times.”
“You never hung out with her before?”
“I did. But, I mean, since we started… Since we, you know, whatever.”

I left that conversation confused, because confusion is the name of the game these days. Everyone is confused. Being single means being confused. Everyone is so confused that they don’t even know what words to use when describing their relationships. USA Today did a survey of singles a while back, and they discovered something that’s been apparent for years: nobody has any idea what’s going on in their own love lives. Close to 70 percent don’t know if they’re on a date when they go on a date.

I guess that’s because most of you are too busy “hanging out.”

What is that, guys? How old are we?

It went from courting, to dating, to hanging out. Sometimes even hanging out reeks of too much commitment, in which case ‘talking’ can be used. And if talking sounds too serious, maybe we’ll start hearing ‘vicinitizing.’ That’s a word I just made up, and it means that you and your female friend are often in the same vicinity, but it doesn’t get all intense by insinuating that you’re actually in that general location together on purpose.

When did men become so afraid to make a commitment, to take the lead, to say what they want, to make long term plans, to set goals, to pursue, to talk about the future?

We are devolving into primates, losing the ability to even discuss our own behavior using words and sentences. The average single American man is now relegated to grunts and shrugs and ‘whatevers’ and ‘you knows’ when pressed to have a conversation about his dating habits. Or his vicinity habits. Or his whatever habits, because whatever, you know?

‘Hanging out’ is how we describe what we do with our buddies. Is that what you want? Do you want that beautiful woman to be your buddy? Or would you ideally prefer it if you could distinguish between your relationship with her and your relationship with your friend Steve?

I know you might tell me you can decipher between the two based on who you’re hooking up with, but I think that’s a problem. And, speaking of which, let’s chill with the ‘hooking up’ thing.

That phrase makes you sound like a teenager. Grown men relying on the vague, timid code words of high school freshmen. It’s embarrassing.

Time to end the nonsense, gentlemen. It’s time to be grown ups. It’s time to be men. I know this term really offends a lot of people nowadays, but truly, fellas, let’s man up.

Trust me, I’m not innocent. I’m married now, but I was once a part of this hazy, undefined dating-but-not-dating scene. I never liked it, because nobody does. I never found any happiness in it, because nobody does. But I was a part of the problem. I was a wimpy manchild, afraid of meaningful commitments, afraid of being alone, afraid of rejection, afraid of the future, afraid of being betrayed, afraid of being loved. Just afraid, really. Afraid of everything.

Then, one day, I met Alissa. She was looking for a grown man, and I was sick of playing games. We were both exhausted. So do you know what we did very early in our relationship?
We defined our terms.
We made our goals clear.
We were open with each other.
We spoke about the future.
We used words like ‘marriage.’
We were clear and convicted and purpose driven. I had ambitions for our relationship. Ambitions. I, like, had an idea about what I was doing and why I was doing it. Can you believe it? I was in it for a reason. I wanted it to become something.

See, I’d been floating like aimless debris through an ocean of cloudy intentions and half-heartedness, until I grew up and realized that romance isn’t a game, and most women aren’t frivolous bimbos. They want men who know what they want and aren’t afraid to verbalize it. And if they don’t want that, then they aren’t worth your energy. Get out now. If she still wants to pretend she’s in tenth grade, let her live that fantasy with someone else.

With Alissa, things were pretty clear from the get-go. We had a relationship. A real, live relationship. A few months into it, I proposed. Some people wait longer, which is fine. We’re all on our own schedule. But I promise you, despite popular sentiments, it doesn’t take a decade and a half to figure things out.

I had several failed dating ‘situations’ before I got married. Some collapsed within months, others took considerably longer. But all of them were eventually destroyed by problems that were clearly evident in the first, I don’t know, five minutes or so.

And, yes, I get it. Our disastrous modern approach to dating (or whatever) isn’t all the fault of men. But there’s no point in parceling out the blame. All you can do, single dudes, is get your own selves together. Take the lead.

Here’s some brutal honesty for you: if you ‘aren’t ready for something serious,’ then you need to go get yourself ready and leave these ladies alone until you do. You can’t go out and have sex (I mean, ‘hook up,’ as the middle schoolers at the lunch table might call it) and then claim that you ‘aren’t ready for something serious.’ It’s too late, friend. Sex is something serious.

Can you imagine if an airline pilot pulled that kind of stunt?
“Attention passengers. This is your captain speaking. I just want to tell you that, like, I don’t want things to get weird or whatever, but I’m not really into being a captain right now. I mean, yeah, I chose to take a plane full of souls up 32 thousand feet into the air at a cruising speed of 600 miles per hour, but I don’t want you think that this is, like, official, you know? I’ve got your lives in my hands, but I don’t want this to get serious. In fact, actually, look, I’m just gonna bail now. I’ve got my parachute. You don’t but that’s your problem. I got what I wanted out of this. So, uh, yeah. Bye. Enjoy your fiery demise!”

Only, for this analogy to work, the captain would send that in a text message, because he lacks even the fortitude to verbalize it.

If you’re a grown man, get serious. What are you waiting for? You’re an adult now. It’s go time. Recess is over. If you still aren’t ready to be serious about love, that’s OK, but just stay out of it entirely in the meantime.

No matter what anyone does, or says, or thinks; no matter what we tell ourselves; no matter what society insists, romantic relationships are always serious business. Call it what you want — hanging out, talking, dating — there’s a woman’s heart involved in it. That means you have a responsibility, alright? You have a duty as a human being, as an adult, as a man.

She’s making herself vulnerable to you. You need to honor that, protect it. And if you aren’t looking for anything but cheap sex and another trophy of sexual conquest to hang on the wall in your studio apartment, then you need to protect her from yourself, because you’ll be bringing nothing but disappointment and chaos into her life.

Listen, there’s a lot of joy and love you’re missing out on when you spend years tumbling like a ball of weeds from one opaque hang out session to another. I know this from experience.

If you’re hanging out with a woman and you feel like you might be into her, tell her. Call her on the phone. Take her out on a date. Say the words: “I’d like to take you out.” No ambiguity. Plan the date yourself. Women want you to be decisive. Lose the whole “so waddaya wanna do tonight?” schtick. Take charge. Pick her up at 7. Pay for the meal. Have a conversation with her. Go mini golfing or something. Go somewhere. Open the door for her. Put your phone away. Open up to her. Share your ideas, your dreams, your fears. Get to know her. Pursue her. Pursue her. Invest yourself in the process, as scary and unsure as it may seem. Take a risk, gentlemen. Go out on a limb for once. Be purposeful. Be desirable. Be a man.

You wouldn’t go into a job interview and tell the interviewer that you aren’t sure if you want the job, and you don’t want to even talk about the job because it freaks you out and gives you a tummy ache, would you? So don’t do that to the women you’re dating, or hanging out with, or talking to, or whatever.

In the old days, they called it courting. It was a lot like dating, but with more of a point and less confusion. Maybe we should get back to that strategy.

Enough with hanging out and hooking up. We’re grown men. They’re grown women. They deserve more, and so do you.

I was shaking my head in disbelief and agreement when reading Matt's blog.  Of course, not all men have devolved this far, but a fair amount have.  It seems to me that some men are always waiting for something better, so they can't commit to the great thing they have.  I'm sure there are women who are guilty of this too - it isn't completely one-sided on guys. 

But come on people.  Take a chance.  Commit to something that could reap great rewards for you.  If you are constantly looking for something better, fresher, younger, whatever, you could be missing out on the best thing that is right in front of you.

 

If you are on a dating site, then focus on dating.  If all you want to do is hook-up, there's an app for that, and it isn't an online DATING site.  And, hey, hooking up is fine and dandy, but please please PLEASE be up front about your intentions (and use a condom).

 

I feel like in this age where you can always upgrade to something bigger, better, faster, newer, people are losing the ability and skills to invest time and energy in things.  Have you heard about that app called "Yo" where you can send push notifications to other people who have the app - and the only thing the push notification can send is the word "Yo"?  Seriously.  Don't people have time to send an actual text message with more than the word "Yo"?  Has the art of communication seriously devolved into sending "Yo" messages?

 

Panda has been talking to a few new guys in her on-line dating adventure.  One guy whom I will call Gardner, has been especially interesting.  After they had been texting for about a week, he said to Panda that he is ready to talk live when she is.  He waited until she was ready.  And, once they started talking, they had many 2+ hour conversations.  Then they decided to meet in person, for a date.  He suggested mini golf, so they met there on Friday night and had a fun night (hole in one jokes aside).  After their date (and yes they both referred to it as an actual date), they talked for 2 more hours.  And, then went on another date the next day.  He's courteous, respectful, and not afraid to call a date a date.  More to come on Gardner!

 

Come on, guys (and girls) - take the time to get to know someone.  Take the time to do more than "hang out" with someone.  Go on a date - call it a date, and date often.  It is fun!  You should try it some time. 

Panda's Adventure - part 1

So, after much contemplation, preparation, and angst, Panda has finally decided to jump on the on-line dating train.  I am so excited for her!  I have been encouraging and trying to coax her into doing this for several years now, but in typical Panda fashion, and typical normal-person fashion, she had to come around to this on her own.

Last Christmas, I went to see the Secret Life of Walter Mitty with my husband and parents.  Not only was this one of the sweetest and most heartfelt movies that I have seen in a long time, the subject matter was so appropriate for Panda's on-line dating journey.  Walter Mitty (played by Ben Stiller) is a multifaceted, complex, extremely interesting guy, but he's also very shy and sometimes lives in his own extremely adventurous, but imaginary world.  He becomes enamored with a woman at work, but can't bring himself to talk to her in person.  So, he joins eHarmony, and tries to leave the girl a "wink".  But the system won't let him because his profile is incomplete.  Through a series of very funny phone calls with "Todd" at eHarmony, we learn that Walter hasn't done anything in life that is worthy of listing on his eHarmony profile.  But as the movie progresses, Walter begins to have a wonderful real-life in the flesh adventure very worthy of putting in his profile.  And, he gets the courage to talk to the woman at work.  I don't want to give too much away, but you should watch this movie.  I absolutely loved it.  Trailer here. 

When Panda called me a few months ago to talk about taking the plunge into on-line dating, I asked her to watch this movie, because Walter is basically her.  Panda has spent a tremendous amount of time working on herself - she has her dream job.  She's traveled a ton.  She bought her dream house and created her dream garden there.  She's tried all sorts of activities that, even 10 years ago, she wouldn't be caught dead doing - ziplining, snow boarding, ocean kayaking, indoor rock climbing, flying trapeze, camping with friends, etc., etc.  She has herself in order.  Now she is ready to invite someone to share her life with.

Her thought process was that she would possibly meet someone (a man) while doing all of these activities.  She managed to meet an age inappropriate man on the boat to Catalina.  But otherwise meeting guys while doing her activities was an unfortunate bust.

So, this brings us back to her calling me a few months ago to get some more encouragement to move forward with on-line dating.  Panda likes to be in control of things, and opening herself up to meeting strangers and having strangers be all up in her business was a scary thing for her to wrap her brain around.  I gather it is a somewhat scary thing for most normal people to wrap their heads around too.  I mean, you are meeting strangers on-line, then giving them your phone number, email address, and in some cases, your physical address.  Not exactly things to be taken lightly.  But at the same time, you can't live your whole life in an insulated bubble either.

I explained to her that she can divulge as much or as little information at her discretion to the people she meets.  She can take things slowly.  She can control where and when she meets a person.  And, that I would be with her all along the way to offer moral support, emotional support, and also to give her a swift kick in the ass.  I did on-line dating, a lot, and in the end it really worked out spectacularly for me - I met my husband on eHarmony in February 2011, and we were married in October 2013.

Panda did a ton of research (in typical Panda fashion) to see which sites / apps she would want to try and she has settled on OkCupid and also eHarmony, with perhaps a little Match.com on the side a little later this summer.  She sent me the beginnings of her profile, which I helped her jazz up a little (by adding some more of her personality into it).  And, off she went!

She sent me some highlights from her first week on OkCupid.  I guess I'm not shocked at the responses and communications she has received so far.  Guys - if you are reading - show the girl that you have at least read part of the girl's profile.  Be original.  Use proper punctuation, sentences, and grammar.  Put in some effort. 

Hi. .aren't you cute!

It is clear this guy didn't put any effort whatsoever into his note to Panda. 

_

Happy Monday! amazing eyes and smile :) hope u will have an awesome day , and we can talk soon :)

This one is slightly better.  But, come on, spell out words - is it that difficult to include a "y" and "o" to spell you?

_

I'm definitely interested in knowing you. Did you have a good weekend? What did u do? :)

Again with the "u".   Maybe this one could elaborate on why he is interested in knowing Panda.  Was it something she wrote in her profile?  Her "amazing eyes and smile" that the other guy commented on?

_

WHAT A WOMAN!!!!
Sorry. That was my first impression. I'm just saying, you've set the bar very high for the other women out there.

Your admirer,
B.

 It is a nice sentiment to tell Panda she's set the bar high for the other women out there.  But does this guy want to meet her?  Talk more with her?  What?  It is unclear from his note what his intentions are.

_

"You're so pretty even a blind man can see it!"

OK, there's the obligatory cheesy line. Yes, I am legally blind. I really just wanted to say "Hi" and see if we could start a conversation and see where it goes. Obviously you caught my "eye."

This one gets points for being somewhat funny.

_

ok, i have to admit that i originally read this, "Putting bandaids on cats". and i was like whoa, that has got to be really difficult. but then i re-read it as "cuts". either way, your profile sounds really cool. i'm always looking for new adventures in my life esp. as they relate to flying to another country. so, what was your favorite vacation ever and why?

I liked this one.  It shows that he actually read her profile.  He's trying to engage with her, and ask her questions.  However, needs some work on the proper capitalization.

_

You have gorgeous hair!
So I know my age might be a problem but I hope you can see past it. Mi think we have many things in common :)
Anyways what's a beautiful girl like you going on this site?

Maybe he could tell her why she should see past his age - is he well traveled, an old soul, does he have some life experience that makes him wise for his age (Panda told me he was like 25 or something - which is on the young side for her to be dating).  And maybe he could check his spelling.


Regardless of the quality or quantity of responses Panda is getting, she is challenging herself to partake in perhaps the greatest adventure of her life - the quest for love!

I got a follow-up email from her yesterday with the profile of a guy that she has started corresponding with.  He is age appropriate, employed, and seems to share some of the same interests and values as Panda.  I'm so curious to see how things progress with this one.

At the end of her email to me, Panda wrote, "Still not sure of this whole online dating thing but I will keep working on it. It certainly sucks a lot of time."

It certainly does suck a lot of time.  But all good things usually do!

Can't wait for the next installment from Panda!

Eeeewwwwww

So, a friend of mine emailed me this article the other day.  He is a great (single) guy, and has offered to share some of his own stories with me for this blog, but sadly hasn't yet.  But he appreciates a good and funny story, and can appreciate the horrors, comedy, stress, excitement, and fun in dating.

He sent a story he read on Gizmodo.

This and several other dating horror stories were posted in response to this article on Valentine's day asking people to share their worst on-line dating stories.  While all of the stories were horrific, I think this one stands out from the others.  Here it is for you in all of its gloriously creepy detail:

So I have a rule for myself that if anyone asks me out, and they aren't clearly unstable and I am currently single, then I owe them at least a date. It takes a lot of courage to ask someone out, especially if you're a girl, and you can't judge people that quickly, so it doesn't hurt me to go out with them once. So when this girl on PoF asked me out, I said yes, even though she wanted to meet me 45 minutes away from where I was staying. 

So I try to be safe about these things, because while someone might not clearly be unstable, they might just be unstable, so I meet them in a crowded place first. So we met in the Borders near where we were going to go eat. She was 30 minutes late, but called me to tell me its because her power went out, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. 

So she shows up, and I'm not shallow, but it was a struggle not to audibly gasp when i saw her. She was easily 60-70 lbs heavier than she was in her photo (which was shot from above and in the dark, and clearly from 8 years ago). She was wearing what was clearly children's dime store makeup which was flaking off, she was very much balding, and she walked with a significant limp. 

So okay, maybe her personality is brilliant. Don't judge don't judge don't judge. We talk for 5 minutes, she apologizes for being late and we go eat. So issue 1: she orders a LOT of expensive food. I don't think anything of paying, even when I'm with friends but I immediately took her up on her offer to go Dutch. Issue 2: We really quickly got on the topic of sex, which I thought was odd, and I said that I like to think that I'm open to anything, but some stuff I consider weird like furries, and I couldn't even try because I'd be laughing too hard. She then tells me that the way she has been making her living for the past several years is she goes to anime and furry conventions and draws pictures of patrons as animals with their junk out. So yeah. 

Issue everything: Things spiral from here, and she tells me all these things unprovoked. I'm glad she was honest about them though. So she had been with this guy for the past 2 years. A YEAR before they broke up, she found out that he was having sex with his dog. So yeah. She stayed with him for a YEAR after finding out he was banging the dog. She did not emphasize this point, my BRAIN did, and it would not let it go. So his dog was not a lady dog, it was a boy dog. He was having homosexual dog sex. The part where it crossed the line for her and she decided to leave the relationship was because she found out that her boyfriend was the bottom. Apparently getting fucked BY the dog is her line, much like wearing animal costumes and making zebra noises is mine.  

And I'm ready to go home. She says she's had a good time, would like to see me again, and goes in for the hug. Not wanting to be rude, I hugged her back, and because she was wearing a strapless shirt (not attractive, btw) the insides of my arms touched her bare shoulders. I got home and changed my email address and PoF account, went to bed. The next evening the insides of my arms were RIDDLED with ringworm. Ringworm, by the way, commonly transferred from dogs and cats. Which I now suspect she was fucking.

I really try not to judge people, and I try to be pretty open, but I have my limits. I have since learned to make those limits more clear to other people. I hope you learn from my mistakes as well.

I've had many adventures, but none as adventurous as this.  As I got further and further into the story, it kept getting crazier and crazier until the end was just so outlandishly freaky and crazy that I was literally laughing out loud.

I keep wondering where all of the more normal people are.  A friend of mine, PM, met a guy on Tinder recently.  This guy is in his 40s, has a normal job, and seemed normal.  Then, for who knows what reason, sent her a naked picture of himself in the shower (from the waist up), and said "want to go out?"  PM said no and deleted him.  What is the thought process that a person goes through that leads them to the conclusion that sending a somewhat naked picture of themselves to a person they've never met in person would result in getting a date?  It may result in getting a one night stand, but an actual date with a person they want to get to know and date?  Um, no (at least not for the people I know).

I'm all for letting your freak flag fly.  But some flags are just too freaky for me.

The Blessing and Curse of Hope and Potential

So, my friends PM and Panda are going through some rough patches right now.  I wrote a little about Panda's past challenges here.  And one of PM's adventures here.  Both of their current rough patches, in my opinion at least, have to do with the blessing and curse of hope and potential.

I've been thinking about this topic for a few months now and since I talked independently with PM and Panda about their situations.  Then, the other night, I was surfing channels on TV and that movie (from 2009) "He's Just Not That Into You" was on.  There is a scene in it where the Ginnifer Goodwin character "Gigi" is talking to the Jennifer Aniston and Jennifer Connelly characters.  Gigi was explaining a revelation she had from when she talked with the Justin Long character, "Alex", the night before.  He explained to Gigi that generally in the dating world, there is the "exception" and the "rule."  There will always be someone who you know thrice removed who held out hope for something/someone, who, in the end, gets that something/someone of her/his dreams.  That person is the "exception."  Normal people are the "rule" where that something/someone of their dreams never becomes something they get.  Gigi tries to explain this to the Jennifer characters:

Gigi: I think I've figured it out. Remember when I went out with that notary public and he cheated on me and then Anastasia from upstairs told me about how her boyfriend cheated on her in the beginning then he totally changed and now they're married and crazy in love?
Beth: I thought that guy was a process server.
Gigi: No, notary. Anyway my point is, Anastasia is the exception, not the rule. We have to stop listening to these stories because the rule is most guys who cheat on you up front don't really care about you very much.
Janine: Ok.
Gigi: Ok, Ok. Exhibit A. Chad the drummer who lived in a storage space. He only used me for rides and yet I continued to stalk him for most of 1998. Then oh, um, there was Don, that broke up with me every Friday so that he could have his weekends free. I was delusional about that relationship. I used to refer to him as my husband to random people, like my dental hygienist. Anyway, all my friends used to tell me about how things might work out with these dipsticks because they knew someone, who knew someone, who dated a dipstick just like mine. That girl ended up getting married and living happily ever after. That's the exception and we're not the exception we're the rule.

This concept of the "exception" and the "rule" somewhat go along with my feelings on the blessings and curses of hope and potential.

I am not immune to the blessing and curse of hope and potential.  They have bitten me in the ass on more than one occasion and in more than one part of life (not just in dating).  I am the eternally hopeful person.  I hope with all of the hope that exists that things turn out the way I hope them to.  I see potential in places sometimes where there is absolutely zero, nada, zilch potential.  But I am too hopeful (and stubborn) to give up on that potential and hope.  Because what if I am right in my hope and vision of potential?  If I walk away, then I will never know the outcome.  But if I stick around and wait, I could be waiting forever and wasting time.  It is a vicious circle of hope and potential.

Very soon after I moved to San Francisco and was going to college full-time, I met this guy I will refer to as Cornholio (yes, Cornholio from Beavis and Butthead).  Cornholio was one of the things this guy would say at random times, and he actually really loved watching Beavis and Butthead, much to my chagrin.  Anyway, from the minute I met Cornholio, I had an instant crush on him.  We became friends, and started hanging out outside of school.  He would tell me that he was really interested in this other girl from one of his classes and that he wanted to "get" with her.  She was short, skinny, and had large boobs.  He described her attributes in much more vulgar language which I will save you from, but use your imagination.  She would hang out with him and drink with him, and tease him and give him no play.  Me, on the other hand, I was willing to give him some play, but he wasn't interested.  I could see the potential in this guy:  he was smart, funny, easy to talk to, educated, employed, thoughtful, etc., etc.  But, and this is kind of huge, he was sexist, offensive, vulgar, childish, rude, mean, and annoying.  All things I was willing (and did) overlook because I was hopeful that he would realize his potential to be a great guy (and boyfriend and, just possibly, husband).

A few months after we met, we went out for New Years Eve with a group of his friends.  We tried to get into a club (didn't work), so we ended up at a pizza joint eating dinner at midnight.  Right when the clock struck 12, he grabbed me at the table (surrounded by his friends) and planted a big kiss on my lips.  I was totally taken by surprise.  I was not expecting to make out with him at a table surrounded by his friends.  I was hoping for kissing - and look, it just came true!, but I was not expecting it to happen that way.

A few weeks later, we went out for a dinner date.  He had just had his wisdom teeth out, so his mouth was quite sore.  After dinner, we were walking around my neighborhood looking in the shop windows.  He was holding my hand, and it felt very romantic at the time.  Near the end of our date, he remarked that he really wanted to kiss me right then, but he couldn't because his mouth was too sore.  I replied that he knew what he was missing, and that it was his loss.  It was fun flirty banter.  But it went nowhere.  He didn't kiss me that night.  When we both got home, he called me.  In a nutshell he said that he knew I liked him.  And that he was pretty certain that I knew he liked me.  But that he didn't want a relationship with me because he liked me too much.  He said that he didn't want to date me because we would inevitably break up and then he would have to hate me and he didn't want to hate me because he liked me too much.

Yes.  Seriously.  He admitted that he liked me, but he didn't want to date me because he liked me too much.  What kind of illogical logic is that?  So, I took some time to reflect, and somehow was able to turn off my romantic feelings for him and stay friends with him (while still being secretly hopeful that maybe things would change).  Throughout our friendship there was always a casual flirtation.  We hung out a lot - went to movies, went out to dinner, went to parties, had weekend breakfasts, etc.  When we hung out just he and I, he always had some reason to touch me - he would put his arm around me when we were waiting in line, he would put his hand on my foot when we were on the couch watching TV.  A few of my girlfriends suggested that I was like a girlfriend for him, but without of any of the sexual benefits.  I was still holding onto a little bit of hope that he would recognize his potential and turn into a good (and actual) boyfriend (with benefits).  That never happened.

We made out on another occasion about 5 years after the New Years kiss.  It was a Thursday night and I was leaving town for the weekend the following day.  When I got back into town, we talked on the phone.  I asked what he thought about what happened on Thursday night.  He asked what I was talking about.  I told him I was talking about the fact that we made out and he asked if we could have sex.  He was like, "Oh, that..."  I said, "Yes, that.  So what do you think about that?"  He said, "We would never work."  I said, "Why not?"  He said, "Because you don't like my brother."  I said, "I don't dislike your brother, and what does that have to do with us being together?"  He said, "Well, you don't like my friends."  I said, "I don't dislike your friends.  I happen to think some of them are lazy, but I don't dislike them."  He said, "We just would never work."  I said, "Well, remember this conversation, because you aren't going to get another opportunity with me."  He didn't.

About 5 years after that, our friendship ended.  That potential I was hopeful he would recognize - yeah, that went to shit.  We were having breakfast one Saturday morning and when the bill came (which we always would split), he told me he was a few dollars short.  I asked him to tell me how much to put down to cover me and what he was short.  So he told me $25.  I put down $25.  Then he proceeded to tell me I was cheap and was the cheapest person he knew.  This hurt me greatly, and I asked him to take me home.  That was the last time we spoke.  I was hopeful that Cornholio would come into the potential I saw in him for close to 11 years.  He never recognized it.

Panda is still talking/interacting with J (this is going on 2 years now).  J currently has a girlfriend (who is several years younger than him), but still texts Panda on and off.  He asks her to go running with him, and to hang out.  Then disappears again.  Then texts again.  Then disappears again.  This is all on the down-low - I seriously doubt his girlfriend has any idea he is still interacting with Panda.  Panda remains hopeful that J will see the light of day and kick the girlfriend to the curb and realize that Panda is the one for him.

I know exactly how she feels.  When you meet that person who makes you tingle, and whom you can't stop thinking about, and who makes it so easy to visualize a future with, you can't help but hope and hope and hope that your hope comes true.  That you are the exception, not the rule.  How can you give up hope for something you want?  I am the worst person to advise on this, because I hold on to hope all too long (duh, can't you tell by some of the dating adventures I've written about?).

But, as an outside observer, we all can see when a friend should, perhaps, reassess their hope.  When the thing/person they are hopeful for has lost all of their potential and is now being an asshole and being detrimental to the happiness of our friend, we see it before they do.  Panda and PM, and countless others knew LONG before I did that it was time to cut my losses with Chef, Radio, Cornholio, and others.  It took far too long before I knew it myself.

I don't know exactly what the line in the sand was for each of the times I cut my losses.  But for me, there is always that last thing that is the last straw.  With Cornholio, it was calling me cheap.  With Chef, it was him asking to talk with me and then not calling when he said he was going to.  With Radio, it was me telling him what I felt in order to create the closure I needed (and him not responding).  I think it is different for every person and every situation.  We can only cut our losses when our line in the sand has been crossed.  And, sadly, we probably define and draw and set that line way too far out than it should ever be.  But how do you stop listening to your heart, your hope, and the potential you see in someone?  I don't know, but I have my friends' backs whenever and however they need it.

Radios Sometimes Break - the final installation

So, a little update on Radio...  Part 1 and 2 are here and here.

My friend who introduced me to Radio all those years ago told me that Radio reappeared in her life recently after many years of no communication.  He was in Southern California on a business trip and called her & her husband out of the blue and asked if they were free for dinner.  They were (along with their 2 young children).

So, Radio rented a car and drove over to their house.  They had a lovely meal and nice conversation.

Radio admitted that his years of partying hard and dating younger women were over.  He said he just couldn't keep up any more.  So, now he's looking to date women his age (early 40s) or even slightly older.

I always wondered how he was able to thrive given his lifestyle.  Guess things finally caught up with him.