Dogs, tattoos, and sweatpants, oh my!

Howdy readers!  So, from time to time, I've shared dating stories from friends, and this little adventure is courtesy of my sister.  She's got lots of absolutely hilarious stories to share.  This is the first, but it won't be the last.  Enjoy.  You're welcome.

 

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Hello... my name is Leyna, I'm Jennifer's "little" sister. When she asked if I'd write a guest blog entry about my worst date, I jumped at the chance because it's one of the few stories I actually remember very well, and definitely one I won't soon forget. I pretty much lived my 20's to the absolute fullest. I really didn't hold back much and kind of always felt like I should "get it all out of my system" before I settle down into married life, and that I did. As a result, my sister got an earful of weekly entertainment from me and actually remembers more stories from my 20's than I do! 

To give you a little insight, at this point in my life I was traveling for work about 6-8 months out of the year and had just returned from a month long tour around the country casting season 14 of the Real World. One week into my trip, my boyfriend called and begrudgingly admitted he had gone out drinking with some of our friends, met a girl and cheated on me the night before... He wanted to tell me "before any of our friends did". What a guy! So I dumped him, spent a day or two mourning, soothed my sadness with a new tattoo and decided to hunt down some rebounds on the road (since I'd never actually been single on the road before).

Our next stop was Boston, where I was determined to find a beefy Bostonian to call my own for a night. Well, I did meet a boy (after WAY too many shots with my co-workers and Vinny Pastore - so random) our last night in town... I spotted him and his "bros" from the dance floor and without hesitation walked right over to them and accusingly declared "Boys in Boston have NO game!" Thankfully, I didn't get punched in the face, he thought I was funny so we ended up dancing a bunch, making out a bit and ripping on each other like an old married couple all night. It was a blast.

When I returned home from the road, I was filling my boss in on all my shenanigans and told him about my new found love for Boston boys. He said his personal trainer is a hot Boston guy and would be PERFECT for me (whatever that means). I'm not really someone who likes getting fixed up when I'm single, but I'm also not one to turn down a date, so I agreed to meet him. He called a couple days later and we made plans to go out that Tuesday night after his last training session around 9:30pm. I was meeting friends for drinks after work in Burbank, so I agreed to meet him at his house in Hollywood at 10pm, since I lived in Venice at the time and it was basically on my way home. Done and done.

Cut to date night, I called him when I was a couple miles away to let him know I'd be there soon and ask him what the parking situation was like. He told me to pull in behind the building and park in the spot next to the dumpster, so I did. With all the usual first date jitters, I walked around to his apartment, knocked on the door and my worst date began...
 

First thing I noticed was his hair. It was a terrible faded grayish/green/blue color, like his Manic Panic "Enchanted Forrest" hair dye needed some serious touching up. As I stood there taking in all 5 feet 7 inches of him, I quickly realized all he had on was a towel. He literally answered the door wearing a small bath towel wrapped around his waist. Seriously dude? Don't pretend you didn't know I was coming, I called you 15min ago to say I was close and ask you where to park, remember? Douche. 

 

Suddenly, my awe and disbelief was interrupted when a giant rottweiler came charging at me out of nowhere. He grabbed her collar (right before she ripped my face off) and just when I thought the first two minutes of our date couldn't get any weirder... As he turned around to put his dog away, I almost couldn't believe what I was seeing - from shoulder to shoulder, neck to tail bone - he had a larger than life portrait of his dogs face tattooed across his whole back. I'm pretty sure the tattoo was bigger than her actual face.

Yep. So, that happened.

He came back and gave me a quick tour of his disgustingly dirty bachelor pad (in his towel), and told me to make myself at home while he got dressed. Great. I sat there looking around and thinking, what the hell just happened?

About 10min later, he was obviously trying to impress me when he came out wearing a white t-shirt, grey sweatpants (with elastic at the bottom) and the oldest, most beat up pair of (white) sneakers I had ever seen. Before we left for dinner, he had to release the beast (aka - his rottweiler, "Rosie") to take care of business. He let her out the front door, she ran down to the grass out front, dropped a deuce and ran back inside. Did he scoop her poop? What do you think?

We walked around back to where our cars were parked and I asked if he wanted me to drive. Without hesitation, he looked at my car and said in a ridiculously condescending tone, "Well, should we take your Mustang, or take a ride in my Mini Cooperrrr?" as he panned over to his tiny little Mini Cooper that he apparently loved so much he actually sat on a waiting list for 2 years to get it. The answer was clear, I guess.

To spare you the long drawn out version, I've decided to bullet point the rest of the date - as I'm sure you can imagine it didn't miraculously improve. So, here are the cliff's notes:
 

• He didn't open my car door (shocking), but to make matters worse he actually opened his door, got in the car and shut the door all while my door was still locked. 
• When we finally headed out, he didn't know where to go. Believe it or not, our restaurant options were limited at 10pm on a Tuesday. I suggested Canter's on Fairfax since it was closest, but he told me we couldn't go there because he got kicked out for fighting. Lovely. So, after 10min of "I don't know, where do you wanna go?", we headed to Swingers.
• He answered his phone during dinner and talked for 5min. I seriously thought I was on a hidden camera show.
• When we went back to his place, his roommate had parked behind me blocking me in only to find out the "reverse" on his car was broken. Rather than waiting for them to manually push it back, I did an 80 point turn to get out of there and never looked back.

The next day I asked my boss/friend what on earth made him think we would perfect for each other and he said he was shocked we didn't hit it off because I "look exactly like his ex-girlfriend". 

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I absolutely love this story.  Makes me literally laugh out loud every time I read it.  Guys, please take note, try not to have too disgusting of a house, corral your animals (and if you have a GIGANTIC tattoo of your pet, be prepared to explain why), don't answer the door in a towel (unless you have a body like this guy), and sweatpants don't a date outfit make.

Until next time...

No means no. Yes it does.

So, I'm sure we've all been in situations where we've said "no" when we really mean "yes".  And, we've all been in situations when we've said "yes" when we should have said "no".  And, we've been in situations where we've said "no" and really meant "no"or "hell no" or "no fucking way" or some other derivation of "no" laced with other expletives.

A friend of mine, I'll call him Sam, related this story to me of how he said "no" and really meant it...

Sam met a guy on-line.  They talked a bit, and then met one weekend for brunch.  On-line guy seemed nice, was a work-a-holic, and was new to the area and didn't know many people there.  Sam had no romantic interest in on-line guy (now referred to as OLG).  However, Sam is a nice guy, and thought he could forge some kind of platonic friendship with OLG.  During brunch, many of their common interests came out - one of which is Sam and OLG both like musicals.

A little while after the brunch, Sam and his friend A (a female) were going out to dinner & to see a musical play.  Sam is a gay man.  A is a straight female - this outing was not a date.  Sam mentioned to OLG that he was seeing a musical, and thought OLG might have fun going with he and A.  So, OLG purchased an individual ticket to the musical and planned to join Sam & A for dinner prior.

Sam and A picked up OLG at his place.  They all went to the restaurant for dinner.  OLG sat next to Sam.  Almost immediately, OLG puts his hand on Sam's knee.  Sam adjusted himself in a very subtle way to try and get OLG to remove his hand from Sam's knee.  Didn't work.  Shortly thereafter, OLG put his hand further up on Sam's leg.  Sam adjusted again.  Didn't work again.  OLG then placed his hand on Sam's twig and berries.  At this point, Sam threw subtle to the wind, and physically brushed OLG's hand off his sausage.

OLG was pissed and announced that he decided he was not going to the musical and for A to please take him home.  A got up to give them a few minutes to talk.  OLG asks, "Do you know why I'm not going to the show now?"  Sam says, "No, I don't know why."  OLG says "I want to fuck you and you made it clear that that isn't going to happen.  Please take me home now."  Awkward to say the least...

So, the three of them get in A's car and take OLG home.  Sam ended up walking him to his door.  OLG unlocked the door, opened the door, and somehow pulled a Houdini move and pushed Sam into the condo.  OLG kept trying to kiss Sam, and have his way with Sam.  Sam was having none of it.  A was in her car watching all of this go down laughing hysterically almost to the point of peeing in her pants.

How does someone keep hearing "yes" when the other person keeps saying "no"?  I mean, come on.  Did OLG have some kind of waxy build up in his ears that precluded him from hearing the words "no"?  Did he mistake having his hand brushed off of Sam's leg not once, not twice, but three times as some kind of mistake where Sam meant to pull OLG's hand higher up on his leg each time?  Not sure, but Sam sure meant "no" and OLG certainly wanted to hear "yes".

It certainly isn't the first time someone's heard "yes" when the words were really "no".  I wrote about Pokey (click here) a while back...  On our last date, he continually poked me and tickled my knee throughout the evening.  Each time he did it, I told him to stop.  And when I said stop, I didn't insinuate that by saying stop, I really meant do it more.  I brushed his hand away from me.  Elbowed him when he tried to poke my side.  Really, it wasn't amusing and I really wanted him to cut it out.  Yet another case of someone saying "no" and the other person hearing "yes".

Moral of the story - people, when you hear a serious "no" - it almost always probably means really "no."  So, cut it out please.  Thank you.

Until next time...

Radios sometimes break - part 1

Here's one from my dating archives... 2004 / 2005

So, I met Radio on several occasions over the years through a friend of mine.  Radio was one of her oldest friends, and they even dated in college.  He was a good-looking guy with lots of personality.  I remember talking with him on several occasions during the group things my friend planned, and I remember thinking, "Radio is a nice guy."  But it really never was more than that.  He was always nice to me, seemed interested in what I had to say, but really nothing more came of it.

Radio was an entrepreneur and co-owned a small business having to do with radio and broadcasting.  At the time, I was impressed that he owned and operated a business.  But, over time, I came to realize that he was married to that business, and it always came first.  Which it had to because his livelihood was dependent on his business being profitable.  But I had a feeling that he didn't really need to spend as much time there as he did.  He liked the people who worked for him, and liked to go out with said people.

My friend, I'll nickname her Pat (not her real name, but a long story as to how she got this nickname), invited me to a Halloween party at Radio's new apartment he shared with 3 girls.  I was game, so I tagged along.  Radio and I talked a lot at his party, and it started to get kind of flirty-flirty, but nothing really happened.

The next week, I was on a business trip, and Pat emailed me to ask me if it was OK for her to give Radio my phone number, because he had asked her for it.  I was giddy with happiness.  Of course I gave her permission to pass on my phone number.  So she did.  And then, nothing...  For weeks, maybe even an entire month, nada...  Geesh, come on guy, why the huge delay in calling me???

I can't remember now if I called him or what, but we got in contact, and he asked me out.  According to my trusty rusty datebook, it was November 13, 2004.  We went out, had a great time.  I can't find another date in my 2004 datebook, but I'm sure we continued to talk a little, but with the holidays and stuff, we didn't go out on another date for a while.  According to my 2005 trusty rusty date book, we went out again on April 7, 2005.  I totally remember that date too.  I met him at his office and we went for drinks at a nearby bar that he frequented.  Then we went to a preview screening of Kung Fu Hustle (a rather strange, but entertaining kung-fu (duh) movie).   After that, we went out on several more dates - generally once per week.  During that time, I was traveling a lot for work, and studying for my master's exam at school - so time was not something I had an overabundance of.  But as much as I could, and as much as he asked me out, I went, and thoroughly enjoyed myself. 

On all of the dates, he would not allow me to pay, despite my offering to.  He always walked on the outside.  He was a complete gentleman.  I was really liking the time we spent together, but was curious as to when something might "happen."  And by "happen" I mean a kiss.  We had been loosely dating for several months, and nada.  Maybe a peck on the cheek here and there, but nothing more.  No hand holding, romantic-ness, nada.  I was really beginning to wonder what was going on with him...

Right after I took my MA exam in mid-may, Pat hosted a congratulatory dinner for me at her place with her husband, another couple we were friends with, and me, and Radio.  I engineered my transportation for the evening so that I could hitch a ride home with Radio.  Dinner was fantastic, and involved lots of wine and champagne.  And, as per my design, Radio took me home.  And still nada.  No kiss, nothing.

About 2 weeks later, I received some very distressing school news.  I didn't pass one required exam, so I wasn't going to graduate.  I missed passing by 1 question.  I was devastated.  I was crying all afternoon, and had no idea how I was going to clean myself up for my date with Radio that night.  We had a nice dinner planned at Roys, then a performance of the Smuin ballet at Yerba Buena.  My eyes were completely puffy, and I looked like crap.  But I had a date to keep, so I made myself as presentable as I could and got my ass down to Roy's for dinner.  I got there first, and sat down, and ordered a stiff drink.  Radio showed up a little bit later with a bouquet of flowers for me - they were really lovely, and kind of made my night.  He asked about the exam I didn't pass, and I told him a little about it, but that I really didn't want to talk about it at all.  (Note: I did end up graduating after a long conversation with a long-time professor & dean of the department who was sympathetic to my predicament.)

We had a nice dinner - I think we actually split the bill on that one...  Then went over to Yerba Buena for the performance.  He got me home, and still nada.  Really.  I'm not lying.  Nada.

About 2 weeks later, we had another date - we met at a movie theater and saw "Sin City" and then went to Mel's for dinner after.  I think we held hands during that movie.  He took me home, got out of the car, and opened my door, and we hugged, and had a little peck on the mouth.  No tongue.  Just a peck.  FINALLY!

That Sunday, I had plans with Pat and her husband to see Star Wars - the newest release - and we invited Radio to go.  He had to work (shocker), and said he couldn't come.  He asked me to call him after the movie to tell him about it.  I did.  He was at the grocery store and asked if he could call me later.  I said of course he could.

That was literally the last time I talked to Radio.  He didn't call me back.  Ever.  I was quite perplexed.  Pat had no explanation.  Some time later, Pat and I were meeting her husband at Radio's most frequented bar after work one afternoon.  I was a little hesitant because still Radio hadn't called me ever.  I did see him there, and he basically ignored me.

Pat said he had a pattern of doing that.  Meeting girls, going out with them, then disappearing without a trace.  Wonderful.

I guess radios, or at least radio signals, have a tendency to fade sometimes.  You get a lot of static when you are out of range of the signal.  I guess somehow either I or Radio moved out of range, and all we had was static.

Oh well, I guess that allowed me to search around for a new signal...

Until next time...

Oh, and there will be a next time with Radio.  Somehow we came back into range.  But that's a tale for another posting.  Keep your radios tuned in for next time!

Some friendly advice...

So, I have been thinking a bit about why guys (and girls) do the things they do when dating...  I'm no perfectionist or expert when it comes to dating, but I've been around the block a bit, as have my girlfriends, and guyfriends.  So, I have my own experiences to draw upon as well of the experiences of my friends.

My girlfriends tend to wonder why guys seem to be clueless, don't call (or wait too long to call), are just interested in hooking up, etc.  Some of my guyfriends feel like all women are angry bitches, other of my guyfriends think women are too high maintenance, and yet other of my guyfriends wonder why girls make such a big deal out of everything...  Lots of differing viewpoints going on.

A few weekends ago, Molecule and I were reading the Sunday paper over breakfast at his place (things are going amazing with Molecule and I, by the way).  He pointed out a column called "Male Call."  I had never heard of this column, but this particular Sunday's column was the last one for Male Call.  Male Call "answers questions from men and women on dating, relationships, etiquette, men's style and more." 

In the penultimate Male Call column (click here), the author offered a few more pieces of wisdom and also recounted some things he learned from readers.

Be straightforward.  It sounds obvious, but women aren't too keen on trying to guess why you haven't called, texted or stalked them after a whirlwind period of intense interpersonal connectivity...  This was the single, most repeated issue.  "Why did he disappear?"  So guys, just go ahead and tell them, "I'm a shallow person.  I used you for my own gratification, and now I want to move on to take advantage of someone else."  You'll feel better for it, just as soon as you've been released from the hospital.

So true.  One of the things that irks me to no end is people who aren't honest.  Yes, the truth can hurt, but I am the type of person who will wonder and wonder and wonder and drive myself somewhat insane if what I've been told doesn't make any sense, is so obviously untruthful, or if I haven't been told anything.  For me, and this may not be for everyone, I prefer to hear the truth.  If a guy didn't / doesn't want to see me anymore, I would prefer him to say, "it was nice getting to know you, but I don't think we are a good match.  Good luck in your search."  I don't need to know if he thinks I'm ugly, fat, stupid, lame, etc. (that type of truth hurts).  But disappearing without saying anything, that really hurts because it leaves you wondering, theorizing, over-analyzing, and none of those things is fun or productive.

Shortly after reading this Male Call column, a friend of mine shared a profile on Match.com of a guy she was corresponding with.  Here it is.  It follows suit with Male Calls call for honesty, but does this go too far?  Is this type of honesty productive?

I am looking for someone fun, smart, (no drama), is active, and can have fun no matter what. I am pretty easy going and can have fun no matter what. I would like to give the ladies some advice on their profiles......I am a straight shooter so please don't take this the wrong way....I just want to be honest with you so you find what you are looking for. So here it goes: 1. If you have a quote from Coco Chanel, Marilyn Monroe, or someone else no guy cares about we aren't going to be interested. 2. Your headline should be something short that catches the attention of a guy.....not some philosophical statement. 2. Curvy means just that.....not just overweight and not willing to admit it. 3. If you write back to a guy and it's close to being longer than War and Peace we are not interested. 4. If you mention an ex in the first three email...or at all when writing...adios! 5. Realize guys are visual so make sure your pictures show off the best of you.....the pic of being cross eyed will drinking a beer might be funny to your friends but to someone seeing you for the first time that is visual; we might not find it appealing. 6. If a guy doesn't respond to your email don't keep writing to him, he will definitely not go out with you....heard the term stage 5 clinger? 7. If your profile headline is Live, Love, Laugh please change it, not original at all. I will add more as I think of them.....don't mean to offend anyone with this at all......just want to be straightforward and brutally honest.......:)

Wow.  He's got some good and valid points though.  I'm just not sure his profile is the best avenue for his advice.  Yes, we do need to remember the audience / readers we are trying to attract with our dating profiles.  What you put in them should be relevant and interesting to the people we want to meet.  I agree that too long emails aren't good, but one liners aren't either.  I have actually received several "first" emails from guys that literally say "What's up?  How are you?"  Granted, that's the polar opposite to War & Peace, but there's got to be a happy medium, right? 

I also agree with this guy's thoughts on profile pics (I also have written about the importance of profile pics a few times on this blog - click here for the most recent).  You want to put your best foot (face) forward.  Note to this guy, too many shirtless pics of you while flexing might reinforce your prowess, but sometimes we think it's creepy, a little egotistic, and slightly douche-y.  The lesson here - EDIT, EDIT, EDIT.  Pick good pics, pick recent pics, pick pics that really look like YOU now - not 15 years ago.  And for guys - we like to see what you look like without a shirt, but we also want to see what you look like on a normal day (in clothing).

I also completely agree with his thoughts about guys not responding and to not keep hounding them.  I've done this, and many of you probably have too.  But, as excruciatingly difficult as it is, DO NOT KEEP REACHING OUT TO SOMEONE if they don't respond, or don't respond in a way that is obvious that they want to see you.  One text / call / email is good.  Two is mildly acceptable, but three?  No way.  If there is no sign of interest after one or two, move on.  He / She knows you are interested.  If they are too, they will respond.  I know it is hard.  I know this advice is slightly hypocritical because I've been the person that texts / calls / emails too much.  But I've learned (for now), thanks to my sister (she's a smart cookie).

I used to think that when people told me that dating should be easy and happen naturally that they were full of shit.  I mean, it wasn't easy with any of the guys I had dated.  I always seemed to put in more effort than they did.  But now that I've been with Molecule for 7 months, I honestly understand now what I was told - that dating should be easy and happen naturally.  Please don't misinterpret this.  Dating literally isn't easy.  It is work.  But the work shouldn't (and doesn't) seem like work.  It is work that is enjoyable, that you look forward to doing, and reaping the benefits of.  And, it is mutual.  Both people like the company of the other, like spending time with the other, and therefore take steps to be able to do those things.

If you are stuck in the dating juggernaut, keep at it.  It is work, and often challenging, demoralizing, frustrating, excruciating.  But, each date is a stepping stone towards meeting someone really great.  Every date is a learning experience.  Look at the silver lining - each person you go out with who isn't a good match for you is one more person you can cross off of your dating to-do list, and the closer you'll get to meeting someone who is a good match.  Process of elimination.

Keep your head up.  Have fun.  Make the most of the date.  Stay optimistic.  Stay hopeful.  But, read the writing on the wall.  Don't be afraid to walk away.  Don't be afraid to take a chance.  It just might be your lucky day (or date!)

Until next time, be honest, be nice, treat others how you would like to be treated.

An interesting way to meet a wife...

So, I've been a little bit of a slacker recently.  Life, work, and other stuff have gotten a little bit in the way of my blogging.  But I have several items to post, so there shouldn't be such a lag in posts for the foreseeable future.

I was at a work training event last week, and the participants had to introduce one another to the class.  During their introductions, they had to include 2 truths and 1 lie about the person.  There were lots of interesting truths and lies told, but one stuck out for me.  After class as people were milling about, I approached the person and asked him to tell me the story in more detail.

I don't remember what his other truth or his lie was, but the truth that caught my attention was, "I met my wife while cold-calling to sell PG&E stock."  True story.  And, I got the details.

So, here goes - here is the story about how Mr. DJ met his wife.

In the mid-1990s, Mr. DJ was working for a firm selling stocks.  He was cold-calling people to try to sell them stock in PG&E.  One day, he called Ms. B.  She did not speak English as a first language, but had a strong enough grasp of it to politely tell Mr. DJ, "No thank you.  I'm not interested in buying cable." and promptly hung up on him.  Not one to take no for an answer, Mr. DJ called Ms. B right back to correct her and let her know he wasn't selling cable, but that he was selling stock in PG&E.  As it turns out, Ms. B wasn't a qualified investor.  But during the course of finding this out, the conversation turned a little more personal.  Ms. B had just broken up with her boyfriend, and was kind of sad.  She was from Brazil, and was living here temporarily.  Because of the break-up, she was planning to head back to Brazil.

Mr. DJ and Ms. B spent the next two weeks talking on the phone and getting to know one another.  They finally agreed to meet shortly thereafter to go to church together on a Sunday morning - it was December 24.  After church, they went to breakfast together.  The next day, Christmas, Ms. B met Mr. DJ's mother.

Mr. DJ and Ms. B dated for the next 2 years, and ended up getting married in Las Vegas.  Ms. B was walked down the aisle by an Elvis impersonator.

After they were married, Ms. B had to go back to Brazil to help care for her ailing mother.  Unfortunately, she had been in the U.S. without the proper papers, so once she left, she wasn't going to be able to return.  But, of course she had to go.

So, she went back to Brazil and cared for her mother.  Mr. DJ worked tirelessly for an entire year to get the appropriate paperwork approved with immigration to help Ms. B get back to him.  During that time, he quit his regular job to tend to Ms. B's business, and focused on his DJ business as well.  He met with a lawyer to find out the best way to get his wife back into the country.  He didn't end up hiring that lawyer, but used what he learned to "work" the system.

On February 15th (one day after Valentine's day), he got the call from Immigration telling him that she was all set and could come home to the U.S.  One day later she was back in the arms of Mr. DJ.

Talk about an unlikely way to meet your spouse.  They are still very happily married.

I absolutely love this story.  I love how people can meet in such unexpected ways.  I love how people can support one another and make one another a priority in life.  And, I love how happy people can be when they meet their one.

I was saddened this weekend when I learned that someone close to me had their spouse walk out on them completely unexpectedly.  I'll call this person M-n-M.  M-n-M is pretty devastated and distraught, and was taken completely off guard.  I talked for a bit with M-n-M, and despite the crappy situation, the advice I was given seems very relevant to me.  M-n-M's advice:  to be in a place where you can be open to love and a relationship, first you need to be happy with yourself.  Only then can you really be happy with someone else.  If you are lucky enough to be happy with yourself, being with the one you love just makes your already great life even better.

I sincerely hope M-n-M can make it through the tough times to come.

After hearing about this crappy turn of events, I was lucky enough to be on my way to Molecule's house.  It was so comforting to walk in and have him give me a great big warm hug and kiss.  Thinking about some of the shitty things people do to one another, or just general shitty stuff that happens in life, I feel so lucky to be in an amazing place in my own life, and even more lucky to be able to have Molecule in my life.  I can truly say that having someone you love and who loves you back does make my great life even better.

Here's to better times to come for M-n-M, and for meeting people in unexpected places.

Until next time...

Cougars and cubs and silver foxes, oh my!

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Pee-Pee Pics

So, I know it's been a while since I've posted here, but, well, it is summer.  I'll leave it at that.

Hope summer is treating you all well so far.  So far, for me, it's been great. 

• I've been spending some amazing quality time with Molecule (yes, I'm still having fun with Science - click here and here and here to read about having fun with science).  It's been doubly great because he lives far enough from San Francisco that it is actually warm and summer-like.  The other weekend we actually went swimming at 11pm - something you can't do in San Francisco in summer - way too cold.
• I took a vacation with a group of friends and witnessed some of the same dating shenanegins on the East Coast as we have here on the West Coast
• I went to my sister's wedding with Molecule
• And, I've been spending time with my gang of friends

I've been thinking about a few topics to write about here, and the first one I'll try to tackle is the "Pee-Pee Pic" as I've coined them.

What is a Pee-Pee Pic, you might ask?  Well, it is a term I've coined for pics that get texted or emailed to you of a pee-pee, wiener, penis, etc.

I have several friends (girls and guys) who have received full-frontal pee-pee pics from guys they are getting to know.  Yeah, "getting to know" is a bit of an understatement.

Having friends who receive these types of pictures repeatedly made me wonder - really - what possesses a guy to send a picture of their junk, ESPECIALLY including their face?  Have they not learned a lesson from Brett Favre (click here to see/hear - pee-pee pics at approximately the 2:08 mark) or, more recently, Anthony Weiner (2 of his pee-pee pics below)?  I mean, people talk, and people share, so OF COURSE, pics of junk are going to be shared and spread faster than the clap.

Whatever happened to waiting a bit and uncovering the pee-pee slowly?  When you get a preview via text, does it spoil all the fun of getting to know what's down there over the natural course of time?  If the pee-pee is overly small or misshapen in some way, would that preclude you from sending a pee-pee pic?  What if the recipient doesn't like what he or she sees?  I know, I know, so many questions.  But, seriously, pee-pee pics crack me up.

And, the pee-pee pics aren't limited to men...  Girls can share their own version of the pee-pee pic too...

The same questions I have for the guy pics apply to the girl pics too...  After you hit send, are you worried about what the guy will think of your goods?  Too big?  Too fake?  Too small?

I don't know.  In this day and age, pics can go viral over text and the internet.  Do you want your goods exposed for all to see?

When I was about 18 years old, there was a guy that worked at the tuxedo rental store in the mall next to the store where I worked.  For some reason, he liked to pull his pee-pee out and wag it around quite frequently.  In my opinion, it wasn't all that good looking, and was a little offensive.  I really was curious as to why he would whip it out and wag it around all the time...  I'm still curious about that one...

When I was around 19, I went on vacation with two friends to Palm Springs.  This was during the time when the ONLY place to be for Spring Break was in Palm Springs.  One of the friends' boyfriends came to visit us while we were there.  Silly me left my camera laying around, and the boyfriend took a few snaps of his pee-pee.  This was before the digital camera age, and I only discovered the pee-pee pic after getting my film (yes, film) developed.  While I was the recipient of the pee-pee pic because it was taken with my camera, I don't know if I was the actual intended recipient.

I've been shown pee-pee pics that friends have received, and honestly, they literally make me laugh out loud.  There is something a little nasty, forbidden, audacious, and presumptuous about it.  And, they are funny.  Really funny.  Laugh out loud funny.

Since the modern texting era, the closest I've come to receiving a pee-pee pic from a guy is a pic of a guy without a shirt on.   Very PG in my opinion.  It actually made me laugh out loud when I received it.

I've never sent a pee-pee pic, nor do I plan to (especially one where you can see my face or other unique identifying marks).  I prefer to see and show the goods in person.  I'll continue to laugh uncontrollably when friends share the pee-pee pics that they receive though.  It's great comic relief.

What do you think?

Until next time.

Districts have boundaries

Adventure tale #12

So, when looking at maps one can't but help to see the demarcation lines separating states, countries, cities, and districts.  This little diddy is about District Boy.

I met District Boy (District for short) on eHarmony in November 2010.  His profile caught my eye and I initiated communication.  In his profile he wrote that he was interested in archaeology, family, family history, equestrianism, that he is a self-starter, and that, and I'm quoting here, "I am looking for someone that knows what they want and how to figure out the steps to achieve their goal and not let any degree of difficulty of achieving it make them have second thoughts or doubt themselves."  He wrote that the things he can't live without are, "family, paycheck, internet, my cat, Dr. Pepper."  Many things about what he wrote intrigued me - a guy who is into horses, cats, history, and Dr. Pepper?  I want to know more...  We moved through the guided process pretty quickly and got to the email stage, made plans, and had our first date.

We met for drinks at District wine bar.  It was very crowded, as it was a Friday night close to 6:30pm - prime happy hour time.  So, we ended up walking over to Tres Agaves and had a drink, and ended up eating a little food too (he paid).  The conversation flowed nicely, and it seemed like we had a lot in common.  After dinner, we walked over to District and found a place to sit, and had a glass of wine.  He had his shirt sleeves rolled up and I saw a bit of a tattoo peaking out on one of his arms.  I couldn't help but ask what it was and if I could see it.  So, he rolled up his sleeve and showed me - it was a portrait of a horse with the caption "Nasty Kate" below it.  Turns out it was his first horse, named Kate, and she could be a bit nasty sometimes...  Kind of funny.  He had 2 other tattoos, but I didn't see them that night.  I picked up the tab at District.  At around 11-ish, he was very visibly tired and we both kind of suggested we leave.  He was tied to the CalTrain schedule, as he lived a little outside SF, and didn't have a car.  He walked me to my car, and I drove him over to CalTrain.  Our parting was a little awkward.  We hugged and said goodbye, then he got out of the car and shut the door.  A little abrupt, I thought.  He texted me a little while later apologizing for the awkwardness of his departure and said he had a great time and to please let him know that I got home safely.  I thought that was sweet.

We started exchanging emails outside of eHarmony, and a few days later, went on our 2nd date.  He took me to Houston's on the Embarcadero (one of his favorite restaurants).  We met at the Ferry Building, had a glass of wine, then walked over to the restaurant and had a lovely dinner (he paid).  Then we went over to Pier 23 after dinner for a night cap (I paid), and then he walked me back to the street car so I could get home.  He actually walked me into the metro station - no one had ever done that before.  Very sweet.  He gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and asked that I let him know I got home safely.  I texted him, "Home safe, although saw a skunk & spider on my way. Yikes! Had a great time. We should get together again sometime soon! Hope your journey is safe & quick!"  He replied, "Glad you made it home safely. And skunk-free too! I had a great time. Thanks for taking over during my brain shutdown. Let's try to work something out this week if it's not too soon. Sleep well."

A few days later, we went out again - this time to a movie and dinner.  He bought tickets (in advance) for Harry Potter, and had me meet him at the theater.  It was November 23, and I remember that it was FREEZING cold outside.  The theater was also FREEZING cold too.  I had to pull my jacket over me to stay warm during the movie.  After the movie, as we are collecting our things to leave, he took my jacket off of my lap and helped me into it - so sweet!  We then walked over to California Pizza Kitchen for dinner.  District remarked during the walk that he was going to try and hold my hand in the movie, but it was so cold that he couldn't.  I think he was sitting on his hands the whole time.  It was funny.  So, we get to the restaurant and have a nice dinner and conversation.  As we finished up (he paid), we stepped outside and were talking for a few minutes.  As we were talking, this man who was standing on the street turned around and said to District, "I recognize that laugh..."  Turns out it was a co-worker of his who was waiting for a ride from some other co-worker of theirs.  District introduced me and we talked for a few minutes.  The cold was really getting to all of us, and I mentioned that because it was so cold and late, that I was going to take a cab home rather than the bus.  District hailed a cab for me.  He helped me into the cab, and I turned around to give him a hug goodbye, and I planted a little kiss on his lips - no tongue or anything, but a nice little kiss.  It was funny, as I pulled away, he looked dumbfounded, shocked, and like he couldn't really make sense of what just happened.  I thanked him for dinner and the movie and said I'd talk to him later.  I got in the cab, and off I went.  I texted him when I got home, and he replied that he made the train with 1 minute to spare.  I commented that it was good that he made it and didn't have to wait another hour for the next train.  He replied that he was glad he made it too, and then sent another text with, "you looked absolutely beautiful tonight. And every time I've seen you."  I replied, "Thank you! That is so sweet & nice to hear!"

He called me about 10 minutes later and gave me some backstory on the guy from the street and the co-worker he was waiting for.  Turns out the guy had a huge crush on the co-worker, and she constantly strings him along.  Sad.  Anyways, District decided not to rain on the co-worker's parade, and walked back to the office to get his stuff, and then walked to CalTrain to get home.

We continued chatting, texting, and emailing throughout November.  For Thanksgiving, I went to my Brother's house and was away from Thursday through Saturday.  District texted me a few times here and there over the weekend, and then on Saturday, he sent, "Good afternooooooon! I hope you had lots of sleep and are well rested. Not to be demanding or anything but hurry up and get home so I can see you sooooooon!"  I replied and we made plans for Sunday.  We spoke that night when I got home, and then again on Sunday.  We met that afternoon and had dinner, then went to see a movie.  Dinner was at the Daily Grill (he paid), and then we were going to walk to the movie theater.  As we were exiting the restaurant, he asked permission to hold my hand.  It was so sweet.  Of course I allowed him to, and we held hands on our walk to the theater.  As we were taking the escalator up to the theater, he asked if he could ask me a question, but that it might make me uncomfortable.  I told him he should just ask away.  So, we're on the escalator, and he said something like, "Last week when I put you in the cab, did you mean to kiss me?  Was it intentional?  It took me totally off guard and I didn't know what to make of it."  I said, "Yes, it was intentional."  I my mind I was thinking - how can a kiss be unintentional?  I didn't slip and catch my fall with his mouth...  He said, "Oh, ok.  In that case, I need to give you a proper kiss right now."  Right at that point, we were at the top of the escalator, and people were all around.  I said, "Right now?  There are all kinds of people around."  He said, "I don't care."  And then he kissed me right there with everyone to see.  I was thinking, well, ok.  I like this.  So, we kissed, then went to the movie.  After the movie, we walked to the metro station.  I was getting on in 1 direction, him in the other.  As my train arrived, he grabbed me and planted another kiss on my lips, and asked me to text him when I got home.  As I'm about a block from my place, my phone rings, and it was District.  Apparently, he missed the last CalTrain home and was stranded in SF.  It was Sunday evening around 11pm-ish.  He said he would try to call a friend or sleep at the office.  I said that I'd be happy to drive him home (I didn't really want to do it, but I would have), or he could stay with me.  I made it clear that it was sleeping that we'd do, and no funny business (i.e. sex).  He seemed nervous about it.  I said, just get a cab and come over and I texted him my address.  He responded, "Omw... I just want you to know this is a huge step for. I hope this means we'll get married soon.  What would my mother say?"  I responded, "Me too. Big step. Well, sometimes you have to take big risks to reap big rewards... let's not think about what the parents will say."  So, he got here.  Nervous.  We sat on the couch, he asked permission to put his arm around me, of course I gave it.  Then it was bed time.  I loaned him a t-shirt and some boxers, and we got into bed.  We made out a little, cuddled a little, and then went to sleep.  Man, does District snore.  I did not sleep at all.  Of course, I had to get up on Monday morning and work (granted I work from home, but I was still working).  He stayed in bed.  Jealous.  It was cute - I was working in the livingroom, and he texted me "you work too much."  It was funny.  I had a lull in my day, so around noon, we went to lunch at a place in my 'hood, and I walked him to the street car stop so he could get home.  It was a nice sleepover except for the fact that I didn't sleep.  I'm the world's lightest sleeper (really, the world's - you can look in Guinness Book of World Records).  Absolutely cannot sleep when a person is snoring at 10,000 decibels.  No can do.

That week, we had a pretty cute text exchange where we established that we "liked" each other.  He texted, "Wanna shoot for a possible sleep over at you place tomorrow? (yes, I'm inviting myself over)"  I said, "Sure! I would really like that! You could bring what you need for Thursday, except you don't need a toothbrush because you already have one here :-)"  He responded, "Hahaha ok. Sounds like a plan. So I guess this means you like me, huh? Or do you need to try some other things out before you decide? Just remember: you break it you buy it. ;)"  I responded, "Yes, I like you!  Same for you - you break it, you buy it, and you will have to contend with my sister.  I guess this means you like me too?"  He replied, "Only if I can to try before I buy. I like to squeeze the goods you know! Just kidding. Yes, District likes you. Or District + You. Heh."  We exchanged a few witty, innuendo-filled texts, and then the next day arrived, and he came over after work.  We went to grab some dinner, then came back to my place, and watched a little TV, and then one thing led to another, and yes, we sealed the deal.  Twice.  During the 2nd sealing of the deal, we had a conversation (random, yes) where we decided we were in a "committed, monogamous relationship."  So, that was that - I had a committed monogamous relationship after a sum total of 4 dates - woo hoo!

I saw District again a few days after that.  We met for lunch, went to look at an apartment downtown for him (he was trying to move back to SF), and then came back to my place and sealed the deal some more.  He had to scoot on home because I was entertaining some girlfriends that night and it was girls only.  We talked over the next few days, and the following week, it's now December 10, I picked him up from work and took him to the apartment he was going to rent so he could sign the lease, get the keys, and have a late lunch with me.  It was during this time that he got VERY busy with work.  He was a web developer for a non-profit, and they were doing some software release and it wasn't going well.  He was working a lot and exhausted.  So, I pick him up, we get to the apartment, he signs the lease, we go have lunch.  We went back to the apartment so he could look at it a little more before he went home.  We kind of made out a little while we were there, and things got a little heated.  I started to pull off his coat and shirt, and he stopped me saying he had to get home and get back to work.  I was slightly annoyed, but whatever, so I stopped.  Then we went back into the kitchen to get our things to leave, and he starts making out with me again.  Then, he started pulling my clothes off and we ended up sealing the deal.  It was kind of comical.  We got dressed, and I drove him to ore CalTrain so he could go home and work some more.  He even fell asleep in the car ride over to CalTrain.  That was the last time I actually saw District.

We spoke, texted, and IMed over the next few weeks.  He tried to make plans with me several times, but each time the plans were foiled because of his work.  I was getting annoyed, but I understood.  I get very busy at work too, but it just sucked.  I was leaving for Southern California for Christmas and we were trying to get together before I left.  It didn't work out.  I was at a dinner party with friends the day before I left, and District called me and we spoke for about 20 mins.  He said that he didn't think it was a good idea to have breakfast in the morning because he'd only be thinking about all of the work he had to do that day, and that it wouldn't be fair to me.  So, he flaked.  He said "I'm just too busy for this."  I got alarmed, and needed him to clarify what "this" was - the committed monogamous relationship, or breakfast the next morning.  He said breakfast, not the relationship.  It put me somewhat at ease for the moment.  We talked again that night when I got home, then a few times while I was in Southern California.  He called me each day for the first 3 days, then I called him each day the next 2 days.  Then I didn't hear from again while I was away, much to my chagrin.  I texted him the day I was flying home to see if he wanted to get together that night for smooches and drinks.  No response.  I called him as I was driving home from the airport, and got his VM.  No response, no call back.  At that point, I was a little pissed.

The next morning - December 29th - he texted me "Hey, sorry I missed ya last night. I forgot my phone when I went to the office. Will you be around for a talk this morning? I'll have a break around 11:30am."  Right then I thought - ok - he's supposed to be on vacation, why is his phone at the office.  I also thought - his cell is the ONLY phone he has, there's no way he left it at the office.  And what does "talk" mean?  A talk or a TALK???  I responded that I would be available.  So about 11:45am, he calls and basically says he's too busy for this, he needs to focus on his career, and he's done with our committed monogamous relationship.  We talked for about 20 minutes, and he just kept saying over and over that he was too busy, but that nothing had changed, but that he was too busy...  He said, "I know this is a lot to digest in the few minutes that we've been talking.  If you want to talk in a few days, I can call you."  I said, "If you feel like you have time to talk and you want to call, I might be around."  And then I hung up.  I was pretty upset that he ended our 2-month relationship so abruptly, and also pissed.  I went out with friends that night, and called a friend with whom I had benefits, and tried to make the most out of a kind of crappy situation.  I never heard from District again.  I sent him an email about a week later asking him to help me better understand what happened - did he meet someone, did something change, etc. - and he didn't respond.  I kind of thought he would because he seemed like a pretty stand-up guy, but guess I was wrong about that.

Districts have boundaries, and I guess somehow we got out of bounds.  I'm happy that I did go out of bounds with this one because I met Molecule about a month later and I'm still having fun with Science!!!!!

Moral of the story - sometimes guys suck.  (And for you male readers out there, sometimes girls suck too).  And, having some perspective now, when one door closes, many more doors may close, but one might just open up and be spectacular!  I guess that's the hopeless romantic in me coming out.

Even more on-line dating etiquette: part 3

So, I've written a few times about my thoughts and ideas on on-line dating etiquette (click here for part 1 and click here for part 2).  It's amazing to me at what some people consider an actual dating profile.  One word answers and bullshit information that doesn't give anyone any sense of who the person is does not a profile make.  If you are paying for an on-line dating service, why not make the most of it?

And profile pictures, don't even get me started.  I pulled this gem off of a profile a while back.  I was quite stymied.

Seriously.  This was the guy's ONLY picture on his profile.  So, what guy is it?  The blurry guy?  The partially obstructed guy next to the blurry guy?  Or the miniscule guy behind the partially obstructed guy next to the blurry guy?  Better yet, my money is on the guy who took this masterpiece.  Yep, he's so good you can't even see him.

Another profile picture gripe is using a picture that is so not current.  I saw one a long time ago that was so obviously from the mid-1980s - super short too tight shorts, a polo shirt, and a mullet.  Eeeew.  I mean, please guys (and girls).  Pictures should illustrate what you actually look like in this decade, preferably in the current year.  Please stop trying to live in the past.  We can tell when an old picture is scanned.

In my opinion, another photo no-no is using pictures of you with a person of the opposite sex.  You are hopefully on these web-sites to meet someone of the opposite sex.  Don't pose with one in your profile pictures.  Even if it is your "sister," "cousin," etc.  Kind of a turn off.  We can also tell when you crop out other girls / guys from your pictures.

Something else that irks me about profile pics is when people post pictures of their pets.  I think it is great that you have a 4-legged companion.  But, we're here to meet you, not your dog, cat, horse, fish, rabbit, etc.

Be honest.  Post a real picture of YOU.  It will become very clear very quickly if we ever meet in person that the person in your picture isn't you, or isn't you right now.

Regarding the actual profile text...  Yes, each site is slightly different in set-up, but bottom line, you need to provide information about you that hopefully is honest, interesting, funny, and eye catching so that other people want to get to know more about you.  Writing profiles can sometimes be challenging and difficult, but it doesn't have to be.  Ask your friends for help.  Ask your family members for help.  Ask someone for help.  Don't just write one word.  Or don't write nothing.  Please. 

My sister, Sugar Coat, is a genius at spicing up dating profiles.  A while back she gave mine the one over.  She didn't write it for me, but took what I already wrote and spiced it up a little, rejuvenated it, freshened it up.

For example, my answer to "the first thing people notice about me" was "I'm really not sure - you tell me!"  BORING.

My spiced-up answer was, "My round-off back hand-spring triple twisting triple layout… then my smile and my sparkling personality, of course."  SPICY.  And, completely honest.  I did gymnastics for 10 years.  Granted, I can't currently do a round-off back hand-spring triple twisting triple layout, but at one time, I could actually do a round-off back hand-spring back flip.  Can't do it any more, but I could do it at one time.

My answer to "the last book I read and enjoyed" was, "One of my favorite books is Catch 22 - read it a very long time ago, but it resonated with me. Cause & effect / what do you do / how do you react? Quite interesting. Loving Stieg Larsson's Trilogy - Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, Girl Who Played with Fire, and just started Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest. Love Vince Flynn, Michael Connelly, Charlaine Harris, Orson Scott Card. Basically love to read."  All true.  I love to read.  The answer was true to me, but not noteworthy.

My spiced up answer was, "Seriously? How much time do you have? I LOVE reading.   Some favorite authors are Vince Flynn, Michael Connelly, and Kathy Reichs."  SPICY.  Still all true, still "me."  I love to read.  I have at least one book going at any given time, and sometimes two.

Sugarcoat worked some of her spicy magic on a good friend's profile.  My favorite line from the spiced up version is this, "So basically, if you are a quiet homebody who hates sports, we are probably soul mates."  I was literally laughing out loud when I read this.  It really speaks to her personality, and is super funny.  Very much her.

Bottom line, spend a little bit of time on your profile.  Let your personality shine through.  Use actual sentences.  Use spell check.  Ask someone to proof read it for you.  No one is perfect, and we all have the occasional typo here and there.  But, come on, if your profile is littered with errors, it is probably garbage.

Shameless plug time.  For my fellow on-line daters, or prospective on-line daters, if you would like some spicing up of your on-line dating profile, Sugarcoat may be able to help you out...  Sugarcoat is also an excellent photographer.  If you are in the Los Angeles area, and are in need of some AMAZING pictures that actually look like you and are current, drop her a line.  You won't be disappointed.  Send her an email here: spicyprofiles@gmail.com

Until next time, stay classy, stay real, stay you!  You are amazing just the way you are!